Movie Debut - ATL - The Accidental Actor

Jeff (left) delivering the famous "Congratulations" line
to actor Albert 'Albe' Daniels (center) in the feature "ATL".


I'm not really an actor, but I have a habit of turning up in things from time to time. This is my first 'big role' in the Warner Bros. feature "ATL". Two things about this 'role'. I was cast because they needed somebody who looked like a corporate lackey and they hadn't cast the role yet. I so happened to be standing next to director Chris Robinson when a producer ran over and said, "We still don't anybody cast for that corporate lackey thing."

Chris pointed at me and said, "What about him?" So I was cast. I got free food (well, I was getting free food anyway), they ironed my khakis and the next day I was in the movie.

I had one line consisting of only one word ("Congratulations"), so I was pretty comfortable with the acting part. I was more concerned with getting my cash-ola and my credit! You see, when you are trying to make your way in Hollywood, one of the rights of passage is getting your name into the Internet Movie Database. It's not that hard to get into there which makes it even more frustrating that I'm not. But I figured, major motion picture, speaking part, piece of cake.

First off, I was a touch disappointed that I had a speaking part in a major motion picture and was only able to get a check for $86 (That's $100 less taxes). But hey, I'm in a major motion picture so at least I get a credit. I go to the premiere of the movie, no credit! No credit, no IMDB. Sheez, what does a hard working Uncool cat have to do to get onto IMDB? Apparently, a speaking part in a major motion picture isn't quite enough.

So I file a grievance with SAG to get some kind of recognition. Grievance, denied. I contact IMDB, credit denied.

However, $85 check cleared. Plus, I seemed to have become popular at the family reunions with some of my nieces and nephews who are somewhat impressed with an uncle who has a speaking part in a major motion picture. Nice...

Mouse Infestation

I heard a strange sound coming from my garage the other day so I set some traps. This is my haul after only one night! I hate mice. I know I've bought some computers over the years but it seems that there are tons more mice than computers I have ever owned. It made me think that maybe it must be the cold weather or the rain that is forcing these mice into the house. Why do I save all these mouses?

I think there's even more electronic vermin out in the garage so I went to Home Depot and bought some modem - monitor - traps to see what I could catch...

Toys for Big Boys

One of the coolest things about getting older is the chance to finally get some of your own money and stuff. Here in Hollywood, it's even more ridiculous. I live down the street from a Lamborghini dealership. People up the hill from me have some of the craziest media rooms. And a quick drive down PCH and you can see the Hollywood elite living in Malibu splendor. Definitely, Toys for the Big Boys...

However, I haven't hit my Hollywood jackpot, so I have to settle for toys a little more in my price range: Legos.

(Above) Not ashamed to admit that one of Jeff's
favorite toys of all time is still the classic Lego.

I love Legos because you can design that dream home, media room, or castle. Or better yet, make a really cool space ship. The biggest problem with Legos is if your kids catch you playing with them, then they want to play too. Then they copy what I'm doing and think that's okay. Then the two year old starts wrecking everything and laughing. Then when I get mad at the two year old, my wife says, "That's the great thing about Legos, you can rebuild them." Yeah, yeah, yeah...

And now that I'm a grown-up, I can buy as many as I want. But I usually don't. They're too expensive. Sheez...

Star Trek Posters

I'm not really a Star Trek geek, though I love the show. I've never worn a costume or made my own episodes or wrote my own Trek fiction.

But Jeff the kid was a different story. I would buy books, read stories, make models. I built a fake bridge in my basement. I memorized as many ship names and numbers as I could. I would get my dad to quiz me on Trek facts & trivia (much to his horror). I nearly burned down the house when I built a real working bridge science station and had wired lights to blink on the control panel. If there had been an internet back then, I would have totally geeked out.

I recently found some evidence of how geeked I was when I stumbled across an old collection of Star Trek poster book magazines. On one side, it was a series of articles and pictures about the show. On the back was a huge poster.

Needless to say, as a geeky kid, I had my room full of Star Trek posters while my brother (who at the time I thought was hopelessly uncool) had that Farrah Fawcett poster and listened to Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five.

Sheez.

Jeff's Cooking Tip #1 - Buy Food and Cook It

In Hollywood, it is the height of Uncool to make your own food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late dinner, snacks are purchased and consumed at some kind of restaurant, diner, cafe or catering truck. So the fact that I actually cook a meal or two for the family is an outrageous Hollywood sin. And those many thousands of hours of Food Network have honed my skills to the point where I feel I can offer at least some advice on how to make food cooked in my kitchen tastes restaurant-like in some ways.

I'm often pulled to the side by the secret Uncool who are seeking cooking advice and one of the first questions they ask is, "Will I need any special equipment?" Here is my list:

1. Stove. This is a device that produces heat on a flat surface (either by fire or electric coils). Most stoves have knobs or buttons by which you can adjust the heat and "cook" things either fast or slow.

2. Frying pans and pots. These are metal containers of various shapes and sizes within which you "cook" the food. Flatter and wider and shallower versions of these containers are called "pans". Taller and thinner versions are called "pots".

3. Oven. This is a device that looks like a kitchen cabinet but actually produces heat inside of an insulated box. There is a door with a magic window that allows you to watch as food "cooks". The temperature is controlled by a knob and you can actually do what is called "baking" inside of an oven (cakes, pies, turkeys).

4. Refrigerator. Believe it or not, you can use this device for things beyond chilling beer, wine and soda. One tip is to go to that part of the grocery store where you buy the limes and purchase some other items like onions, tomatos, celery, apples, oranges and other various "fruits" and "vegetables". You keep these items in the refrigerator and they will remain edible much longer than when you leave them out on the coffee table. That other door on the refrigerator goes to the "freezer" (it's not just the place where the ice is made). You can keep some foods for a very long in this freezer and buy more food in bulk (which is a cheaper thing to do).

Don't be afraid to prepare your own meals, it will free you!

Bible Study Prep

I go to Bible study class about once a month at the Pastor's house. I've been enjoying it but I find I'm doing more studying now than I have in quite some time. Part of this particular class is memorization of Bible passages, etc.

Currently, I am tasked with learning the names of all the names of the Bible books. It doesn't seem that hard until you look in the table of contents and there are like 725 different chapters, all with old timey names. And lots of those old timey names are really similar: Joshua, Jacob, Jeremiah, Hosea, Jonah, Joel... lots of "j's".

And you need to know them is a certain order. So here I am driving the kids to school and singing this nursery rhyme type song I made up in order to get through it. The kids are staring at me like crazy... partly because I made up a song, and partly because they learned it much faster than me using my own song against me.

Now, tonight I have to regurgitate the names of each of these books while simultaneously not singing the song that I used to teach myself the book names in the first place (don't want to look like a total fool in front of the pastor and the other bible study dudes). Christianity is hard, man.

My Records - Quiet Riot "Metal Health"

(Above)  Three white man overbites for 

Quiet Riot "Metal Health".

Not a totally uncool record. I fell for the corporate line and went with the first hair metal band to get that big boy label backing. At the time, I liked "Cum On Feel the Noize" and "Metal Health". I remember them at the US festival and that kind of sealed it for me.

The rest of the album, I always had a hard time getting through. Back in the days of records, I pretty much bought whole albums.

I never liked buying singles because I wanted to get value for my money and hopefully I would like some of the other tracks. I ended up putting "Cum on Feel the Noize" and "Metal Health" on a mix tape and never listened to the rest of it again.

But I'm giving them their props and going with 3 White Man Overbites on the jam scale.

I think the lead singer is dead.

BONUS - William Rhodes - Hockey Champ

Congratulations to number 1 son William Rhodes as his Capitals squad took the 2008/2009 Encore Squirt Cup Championship over the vaunted Rangers 6 - 2. After a ton of seasons and 3 sons trying, there will finally be a 'Rhodes' name etched into that blasted ugly trophy. Congrats, young man...

Oscar Predictions

I find it absolutely unbelievable that anyone would care (beyond perhaps my children) what I thought about the Oscars on Sunday night. But if you've gotten this far, I will indulge.

These predictions are based upon the same technique I used for Grammy's, the so-called 'Jeff Method'. So here goes:

1. I predict that there is a 92% probability that Jeff will not watch the Oscars on Sunday night.

2. I predict that unless there is a catastrophic TiVO failure, I will be watching thirteen Law & Order SVU's back-to-back during the same amount of time it takes to get through the Oscar telecast.

I'm not totally uninterested in the event that I won't swing by the Kodak theatre this week (time permitting) and eyeball the set-up of the red carpet, etc. For some reason, that part fascinates me. The actual show isn't that fun anymore.

(Above) Jeff's hockey coach plaque... gulp!

One of my favorite awards that I won was this plaque for coaching youth roller hockey. Again, for some goofy reason, when I got it, it made more proud than I would have predicted. I actually got a little lump in the 'ol throat. It made coaching those crazy, insane kids worth it...

Disclaimer: If the stars fall correctly, and there is some strange series of events that finds me nominated for an Oscar or any award for that matter, I will of course change my tune and be the biggest advocate of all awards shows. No purchase necessary.

I Hate Mr. Potato Head

(Above) Mr. Potato Head mocking me, as usual.

I enjoy giving toys to my children, it is one of the pleasures of fatherhood. There is one toy, however, that I have grown to loathe: Mr. Potato Head. Why? Oh sure, it is cute, iconic, full of variety and relatively inexpensive. But...

My kids never play with the thing. Not since that first day when it was half-put-together has it ever been assembled. The pieces are everywhere. In the couch. Under the table. In the bed. For a toy that is never played with, somehow the pieces get everywhere. It is as if Mr. Potato Head wanted to preserve himself so he sneaks around the house at night distributing his body parts in various nooks & crannies so as to never be caught all in one place. It's outrageous the amount of space this toy takes up.

The most annoying thing of all is that each of the pieces has a little plastic spike on the end of it. The spike is ostensibly so that you can stick the various feet/eyes/ears/arms into the potato body, but usually they only ever end up sticking in the bottom of my foot. There's nothing worse that stumbling into the babies bedroom in the middle of the night and impaling my foot in one of Mr. Potato Heads eyeball clusters.

Next yard sale, I swear... next yard sale!

Slippers

I love my slippers. My current pair are a variation on the 50's slippers that dad's used to lounge around in back in the day (wearing their smoking jackets & sipping martini's). I'm not really too keen on how low they are cut in the back because I have to work to keep them on my feet a little bit, but they are quite warm (without being too fuzzy) and I've been able to keep track of them. They also do not smell. Which leads me to today's uselessly uncool post, "What makes for a good slipper?"

1. Easy to find - Slippers are no good if you can't find them. Slippers seem to fall in to one of two categories: those that are constantly lost, and those that like to be worn. Talk to your slippers, let them know that you love them, and they are more likely to be there at the foot of your bed when you are ready to make that early morning trip to let the dog out.

2. Sweet smelling - I've had some really rank smelling slippers in my day. Usually, the 'Robin Hood' style slippers tend to hold mold/mildew/foot funk more than open backs. It certainly helps if your morning toe cheese isn't so bad, but a good pair of slippers ejects the smell out the back while walking.

3. Toasty Warm - Like good socks, good slippers need to be warm on contact. You shouldn't have to wait 4 or 5 minutes to be encased in glorious warmness, it should be pretty instant. That being said, some slippers are so full of insulation power (ala a sleeping bag) that your feet get too hot and sweaty (thus foot funk). A good balance of insulation makes for a more enjoyable wearing.

4. Rubber Sole - A good slipper has enough of a rubber bottom to it that you can comfortably walk outside for short bursts (for example, getting the newspaper out of the driveway). Should have enough support on the bottom so that every pebble isn't an excruciating agony and rubber so that they don't soak up dew or sprinkler water.

A good slipper is one of those intangibles in life that makes for pleasant, uncool living!

BONUS - Jeff on set

(Above) My Volvo wedged in next to a BMW.

(Below) Me trying to look casual as I scam the lunch line.

I arrived on set just in time to eat lunch. Which means, its now time to leave. Uncoolness dictates that I hide in the trailer and avoid all contact with anybody of significance until I'm outta here.

As soon as the crew took off to shoot a car shot on the road, I made my getaway! Goals accomplished: Free lunch, free diet sodas, a little networking, home by 3:00pm. Good day.

(Above) Lunch eaten. Mission accomplished.

Babyseat

One of the coolest things to be spotted with in Hollywood is a babyseat (not). Having four boys, I've seen some horrifying substances on those babyseats. A combination of spilled milk, french fries, snot, pee, apple sauce, popsicles, pickles, fish, orange juice, mud, pie, grease, motor oil, hair gel, poop, ear wax, jelly, saw dust, pepper, toothpaste, spit, dip juice, caramel sauce, spinal fluid, turkey, shaving cream, blood, and steak sauce.

Nothing like rolling up to a high powered meeting at Koi and having the valet have to see and smell and exist with one of these smelly seats. I think if electricity were to be sent through the seat, it would actually come alive and have independent thought and become some kind of car creature.

Seriously.

VHS Tapes

Back before DVD's, there was a cute little thing you could buy called VHS tapes that had movies on them.

Since I was too cheap to buy VHS tapes, I would record movies off of my parents HBO and get three movies per tape. One of my favorite VHS tapes from back then was a mixtape (you could do those with video as well) with STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, THE ROAD WARRIOR, and BLADE RUNNER.

The first tape I ever rented was OUTLAND starring Sean Connery so I could do a paper in college. Coincidentally, I had to rent the VHS player as well. I had a very popular dorm room for one weekend.

I used to make custom tapes for bachelor parties but have not received permission yet from said bachelors, nor has the internet quite seen this kind of content (really). Some of my favorite bachelor party tapes: Salvis - "It Ain't Nothin' but a House Party" and Bobe - "The Space Shuttle".

I'm beginning to wonder if I can still get these tapes to work so I can get them in a digital format. That will be a glorious late night posting...

X-mas Lights Still Shine Bright

Dateline: February 16, 2009

It may actually be time to take the rest of the Christmas decorations down off of the house. As one of the fourteen Christians here in the Hollywood metropolitan area, I realize I have some sort of duty to represent when it comes to decorating the ol' homestead but I fear it is bordering on ridiculous that it is pushing sixty days since Santa come and went and the colored lights are still strung through the bushes.

My excuses ("It's raining" ... "It's cold" ... "It's hot" ... "I've got this thing I'm doing") are starting to wear thin. It's just that it took every ounce of energy to actually put them up in the first place. I got them spaced properly and wired to the Southern California electrical grid in such a way as to be seen from low Earth orbit, it's really a shame to yank them down now.

Besides, if I stall long enough, it will actually be closer to next Christmas than it was from last Christmas so technically, the smart thing to do will be to leave them up. Let me see if the wife will buy that one...

My Records - Huey Lewis & the News "Sports"

Huey Lewis and the News "Sports" - One of those records you felt like you had to get, so I did. Radio friendly and chock full of hits. Not sure this aged very well. He seemed like he was a bar band guy who got lucky and rode it out. At the time, I really dug it.


My score: 2 1/2 white man overbites on the jam scale.

I remember seeing Huey Lewis at the Merriweather Post Pavillion back in Baltimore and he kept coming back out for encore after encore. He just wouldn't stop playing. I suppose that was cool but I was really done and finally just left while he was on his seventh encore playing some obscure blues song. Everybody was like, sheez... stop playing.

Musical Talents

Everyone out here in Hollywood seems to have been in a band back where they came from. As you go through Facebook or whatever, they'll show you pics of their band glory days and their old guitars and pictures of the big show they were in. I on the other hand, was not in a band (I used to make fun of guys IN the band, but that is a different matter).

Then I discovered that crack known as Guitar Hero. It was a gift to my son but quickly became mine. As my collection of axes has grown (different songs require certain instrumentation) I realized how truly geeky it is. At parties, I shove my boys out of the way so I can "impress" their friends with my skills. So now, I can become cool on Facebook like all those other dudes and throw up the pictures of my guitars.

Enjoy...

Pennysaver Item

I'm cheap so I like using the Pennysaver/Clipper-type magazines. But only in Hollywood, does the Pennysaver bust out $15,999 as some kind of bargain for something. Yowzah, this place is freaky...

Who Is... Akon?

A very uncomfortable fact of being 44 years old and a producer of hip-hop music videos is it is very likely that I will not be able to recognize the very artist I am producing by sight.

To mitigate the possibility that I will ask a very stupid question, or even worse, not recognize the artist when I run into him/her, I usually do a little research. This week... Akon.

Jeff (above) looking on the internet to try to figure out who Akon is.

I have developed a check-list to be done before each job:

1) Is that the name of the artist or the name of the group? (Much like when I was a kid and my parents thought the lead singer of Led Zeppelin was a guy named Led). For example, Pretty Ricky is the name of the group, not any of its members. T-Pain is the name of the person.

Is AKON the name of the artist or the name of the group? AKON is his name. Check.

2) How do you pronounce the name? It is not unusual for the spelling of talent's name to be quite different from what one would expect when using expected English grammatical rules. For example, how do you pronounce RZA? I know now.

AKON is pronounced ay-con. Check.

3) What does he or she look like? I Google and image and confirm it with two or three sources. Then I print out a copy and keep it in my pocket. Check.

Akon (above) looking cool.

4) Then I do everything in my power to avoid making any contact with the talent by hiding in the production trailer and sip diet soda and eat Goldfish crackers until I can sneak out and go home and go to bed. Check.

When I was a kid... "Mix Tapes"

This falls under the old "when I was a kid..." category. Well, when I was in high school and college, we would make a thing called "Tapes". In order to save the wear-and-tear on a thing we called "Records", we would record music onto these tapes. If we wanted to get crazy, we'd only take the songs we really liked off of these different "Albums" and combine them all on one tape. We'd call these "Mix Tapes"

Note: For all of you kids under 30, that is where the term "Mix Tape" came from.

Then you'd give your "Mix Tape" goofy names and share them with your friends or play them at gatherings known as "Keggers". You'd play them in a device known as a "Tape Deck" that you would hook up to a "Receiver" that was hooked to these gargantuan pieces of wood & felt known as "Speakers".

I listened to a couple of these "Mix Tapes" and had forgotten about that horrifying ever-present noise known at "Tape Hiss". And heaven forbid you ever left one sitting in the front seat of your car during the summer under the magnifying glass known as a "Wind Shield".

Next week on 'When I was a kid...' An explanation of the difference between the numbers 33, 45, and 78.

Jeff's M.O.

In Hollywood, you have to a M.O. An M.O. is your 'look', your image. Some dudes wear hats. Some dudes wear all Ralph Lauren or Ecko or something. I needed an M.O. if I hoped to fit in. With the help of a team of specialists, I have developed an M.O. that is easy, distinctive, cheap (always important), and most definitely uncool.

M.O. summary:

SHIRT - a polo-style shirt with no logo. Immaculately pressed (even though I usually do not). I have found inexpensive ones at Target for $16 each. At those prices, I rotate a set of shirts for everyday use and keep two or three brand new ones on standby just in case there is an important meeting. Un-tucked.

PANTS - Blue jeans, doesn't matter the brand, just plain ones. Immaculately pressed (even though I usually do not). Nothing fancy, nothing too nerdy.

SHOES - Sneakers, Jack Purcell. I love these things and they give me enough of a distinctive look that they are memorable. Like the shirts, I keep two or three virgin pairs in the box and only use them for important meetings (they go right back in afterwards). I have everyday Jack's to get around town.

With an M.O., you don't have to think about getting dressed in the morning and still have a decent shot at looking somewhat put together.

What's your M.O.?

Tearing Up Ventura Blvd in my Volvo Station Wagon!

The Volvo (Above). Notice the dirt on the sides
and the curious lack of fancy rims.

Having four kids makes it a pretty sure probability that I'm going to be hitting the mean streets of Hollywood in an uncool vehicle. My wife drives the mini-van and I have the Volvo station wagon.

Nothing like rolling up to one our sets, pulling in next to an Escalade and popping out of that clown-car known as the Volvo. Nothing screams, "He's the head dude, the one that must be feared" like a dirty station wagon full of empty diet soda cans.

I love my kids in terms that can't be described, but they are the messiest four boys in the entire San Fernando Valley. The baby seat has a permanent crust of... something... that is a combination of goo and fungus. Not one McDonald's toy has ever actually made it inside my house and are all shoved under the seats. Despite the fact that it never gets below 60 degrees in this part of the country, there are two mismatched gloves and a scarf on the floor.

The mysterious bag of concrete that showed up
in the back of the Volvo one day and never left.

And about 2 1/2 years ago, I bought a bag of concrete that I still haven't gotten out of the back. I think it hardened because now I can't seem to move it.

51st Annual GRAMMY Award Predictions

I really can't stand awards shows. When I was a kid, the Oscars seemed important and fun and something to watch but I never watched much else. The Emmy's weren't all that popular when I was a kid and Country music seemed to have an award show on every two months. I kind of liked the MTV Awards when they first came out but have lost interest since. Now I don't watch any awards shows, not even the Oscars.

As a member of the Hollywood elite, the way it works is that you are to pretend 'not to care' about awards, 'its all about the craft', but deep down really 'care'. I just don't care, period.

Jeff's favorite trophy from Pee Wee's (above).

My favorite award was a trophy I won as a member of the Pee Wee football Dumbarton Sharks. I take that trophy everywhere as a good luck charm. It is small, compact, to the point, easy to carry on airplanes and has survived numerous falls from great heights.

With all of that said, I would like to make my predictions for the 51st Annual Emmy Awards:

Prediction #1... Best Music Video: Erykah Badu "Honey" directed by Mr. Roboto, produced by Megan Gutman (I know these people, so this is the only nomination I am aware of. I don't even know who they are competing against).

Prediction #2... I will NOT watch the Grammy Awards tonight and will only hear about who wins if somebody feels the need to tell me despite the fact that I will say to them "I don't really care to know who won."

Going to Church in Hollywood

Being one of fourteen Christians here in Hollywood, it makes you start thinking about your faith. In terms of Uncoolness, it probably ranks pretty high that I like going to church and don't like when I miss. Really. It certainly is a strange development for me as well because I always really, really, really enjoyed sitting around on Sunday doing a whole lot of nothing (unless you count nursing a hangover as doing something). Football. Wings. Slugging on the couch. Sundays were very relaxing.

But then me and the family started going to church. At first, I didn't seem to mind going, it would be good for the kids. Then, it slowly started becoming okay to go, I got a lot out of the messages. And before you knew it, I liked it. We even met some people there who weren't creepy, and hang out with them on occassion.

And in an even more startling development, I've come to enjoy putting money into the offering plate. Seriously. Whenever things are rotten, I go to church, pray a prayer or two, give some dough to the offering, and something positive happens the next week. Not being one to buck a good thing, I've been doing it ever since and am so far pleased with the results.

Uncool advice #14: Go to church, give them some dough, meet people, TiVO the football and watch it later! Thus, endeth the sermon. Amen.

Fake Logs

Sure, they're environmentally unfriendly. Sure, they are hard on fireplaces. Sure, they don't last very long.

But, man, I simply love fake logs. If you have a fireplace or firepit, there is no better and easier way to get that fire raging and just as quickly get it out.

I recently went home back east for a little bit, and they were burning a wood stove for heat. They were chopping down trees. They were using chain saws. They were splitting the logs. They were piling them on trucks and taking them to the house where they piled them on the side of the house. Then, you had to lug them into the house. Then it was 500 degrees in front of the woodstove, and 40 degrees from ten feet beyond. Then you had to get up in the middle of the night to add logs. Dude, it's the new millennium!

I'm like, sheez... Use the heater and throw some fake logs on the fireplace. They are easy to light and they blaze away. Plus, within an hour or so they are completely disintegrated so you don't have to worry about a fire in the middle of the night. Thank you, fake logs!

Monopoly Game Collection

I really like collecting Monopoly games. I used to play a lot when I was in Junior High with this kid Dennis Burton. We'd play two or three times a day. We were kind of rough on the games and would wear them out pretty quickly. I had asked for a new game set one Christmas and got a delux version. I've been buying them off and on ever since.

The cool thing about Monopoly games is that they run about $10 new. You can also buy really old games at yard sales and antique shops for around $10. I'm cheap. I like cheap collectables.

Also, the game hasn't changed all that much in the 700 years its been around, so its interesting to compare the artwork and game pieces over the years. I'm not that big a fan of the customized versions (ex: 'Simpsons' Monopoly, 'NFL' Monopoly) but I got a version from Germany that was pretty cool.

I also have a box of loose pieces so if you ever need any extra houses, dice, tokens or property deeds, let me know. Man, that's pretty non-awesome.

The Uncoolness is just intoxicating, isn't it?

Jack Purcell's - Part 2

I hinted in an earlier post that I own quite a few pairs of Jack Purcell sneakers. I know they are the not the coolest sneaks around but I just seem to like them. When I was a kid, I would always beg for those. The smiley face on the toe made it hard to duplicate and the parents liked them because they were cheap. The athletic tykes in my neighborhood always seemed to have them and I wanted them too.

When I first started working in television back in Baltimore, a co-worker of mine always wore them. I hadn't seen anyone wear them since I had been a kid. I asked him where he had bought them and he told me they had been discontinued. I asked how he kept them so nice, because they looked practically brand new.

He told me that a relative of his had worked for the shoe manufacturer. Before they went totally out of business, he bought dozens of pairs of the standard blue model so that he would always have a pair. He kept them all in storage. At the time, I thought he was the most bizarre thing I had heard. Now, I've turned into a Jack-head and have my own little piece of Purcell heaven in my closet.

I am now that same goober. Sheez...

Yardsale!

Who doesn't love a yardsale! It's an excellent way to thin out all the crap-o-la in your house and clear some space in the garage.

One of the uncomfortable realities of Hollywood life is that the biz has peaks and valleys. We are in a valley. So we had a yardsale for one of the Uncoolest reasons on the planet: we needed the dough. So we set the alarm for 3:00am, hung some signs around the neighborhood and started pulling out the stuff.

You'd be surprised (at least we were) how many people arrive fully intending to scam and rob you. We lost a ton when a gang of Russian gypsy mobsters arrived and stole half of our books while we weren't looking. Then they somehow talked us into bringing liquor out of our house, then they robbed us of that. Finally, my wife had to practically throw them down the driveway once they spotted her jewelry (which they got some of anyway).

I made a killing selling off my kids toys.

Office in the Garage

The production office for Rhodes Media Group is not as glamorous as you would think. Just behind the tool shelf, next to the spare tire and the luggage are the palatial suites for my production company. Sure, it gets incredibly hot in the summer and extremely cold in the winter, but who can resist the charm of a concrete floor!

The walls look like an African hut because they were salvaged walls from the Alicia Keys "Superwoman" shoot where we had built an African hut on a stage. Instead of throwing out all that nice lumber and straw, I used part of it to build the walls to my office (the other half became my boys' tree house). The other wall is made up of two massive closet doors salvaged from my old condo (I throw away very little). When I need a conference room and the kids are eating at the kitchen table, I am able to open up the garage door and pull out the table and chairs.

I have somehow managed to squeeze all of my various collections of stuff (Mad Magazines, comic books, old videotapes) in that place and still have enough room left to work. Only in Hollywood, baby!

Record Collection

So I'm going through some of my old records and I quickly realize that my taste was pretty wretched. My hope was that I'd go through and say "You know what, they were underrated..." or "nice memories there..."

My brother and his friends listened to PRINCE & THE TIME and all those early hip-hop dudes like SUGAR HILL GANG. Now that's foresight! Not me, though. I laughed and scoffed at them and bought all those STYX and NIGHT RANGER and BOSTON and JOURNEY albums so sure of my superiority. Who the heck is ZEBRA? I really bought LOVERBOY? SCANDAL?

EARTH, WIND AND FIRE? No wait, that's my brothers album.

And the only Beetles album I have is "Chimpunks Sing the Beetles" and that is all scratched up!

Then I listened to them. Oh, my, I'm such a geek. I can feel the white man overbite involuntarily forming as the music blasted through my garage/production office.

Sheez.

Super Sunday Grocery Shopping

Continuing the theme of "I'm cheap", I waited until Super Bowl Sunday to take advantage of some double-down specials. I even actually clipped coupons before I went to the grocery store. When I got there, it was less crowded and the only people there were getting more ice for their par-tay's.

I bought at $102 dollars worth of groceries for $54. Thanks Super Bowl! I love football so this was easily one of the Uncoolest things I've ever done.