The Best Six Months are HERE!!

Woo-hoo! Are you ready for some football?? Yeah, buddy. Either you understand it or you don't. I'm not going to try and convince you that you should or shouldn't like football, I'm just saying it can be a passion for us goobers.

Your Baltimore Ravens are now all in camp and training for this years exciting run to the Super Bowl and your favorite Uncoolest dude in Hollywood is watching avidly from afar. This is the one time of year I really miss living back in my Westminster, MD home. I lived walking distance to the Ravens practice field and would go up there quite a bit. Oh, well.

But a new season is upon us and pretty soon I'll have to remind the wife of the 'Sunday Rules':

1. Jeff gets to watch the Ravens each Sunday. This can be live, this can be TiVo, but it will be watched. (oh, those Sunday's in church when you know the game is happening right that minute...)

2. Jeff requires two hours after any Ravens loss to be grouchy without strings attached.

3. Stay out of the living room during games unless you are with the program.

IN EXCHANGE, Jeff agrees...

a) Once the game is over, I may watch other football at the leisure and pleasure of the wife (she would prefer I spent the rest of the Sunday with the family. "Don't YOU want to spend the day with the family?").

b) No throwing of anything (glasses, bottles, tantrums)

c) Go to church (one playoff exemption)

d) Pre-seaon does not count in the standings, pre-season doesn't count for this.

This day is glorious!

Laundry Detergent Recipe

More than a few people have asked about how I make my own laundry detergent so I decided to break it down for you. First off, I'm cheap. The fact that I'm making laundry detergent is even kind of a line I'm not sure I'm comfortable I've crossed, but crossed it I have. Fortunately, it is not all that hard to do and the results actually work. So for you cheapies out there or just plain curious, here we go...

Ingredients: The bulk of your ingredients are available in grocery stores or box-store type joints. You need to buy BORAX 20 MULE TEAM which I got at WalMart. This is one of those things you did not realize was sold everywhere until you buy it at least once then notice it everywhere. I really like the old school design of the box. Second, you need to buy a box of WASHING SODA, Arm and Hammer seems to be the only brand of this that I've ever seen. Picked up my box at the grocery store. Third, you need to buy a bar of regular soap, I bought IVORY because it was the cheapest. Note about your bar soap: that will ultimately be the smell and color of your detergent, so choose your bar soap with that in mind.

Equipment: You need a clean 5-gallon bucket which I bought at Home Depot, a cheese grater, and something to stir with.

Instructions:
1) Grate the BAR SOAP.

Note: I had to swat a few hands as two of my boys nearly choked on what they thought was "pizza cheese".


2) Combine two cups of the WASHING POWDER (above)...

3) With two cups of the BORAX 20 MULE TEAM (below).


4) Add powders to the bucket and mix together.


5) Bring a quart of water to a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer and start stirring in the grated soap. You need to add the soap a little bit at a time in order to avoid clumping.


6) Add all of the soap and stir until the entire mixture is melted. Be patient and allow it all to melt together.


7) Add this soap mixture to the powder mixture and stir.
8) Top off everything with two more gallons of water and stir again.


9) Cover the bucket with the lid and you'll some gooey, gelatinous laundry detergent in a couple of hours. I usually let it sit overnight to be safe.

Just stir and use. You can add 10-15 drops of your favorite scent (like what you'd use to make candles) for that evergreen or tangerine or lilac smell to your clothing. Welcome to the world of the cheap...

RIP: Jeff's Rock Band Guitar

Note: Before reading this post, please press 'play' on the video below. Light a candle.

With the passing of so many famous celebrities recently, I'm concerned that one passing will go unnoticed. My Rock Band Fender Stratocaster guitar broke irreparably over the weekend. It was two years old.

My guitar appeared innocently enough underneath the Christmas tree in late 2007 and it's been a dream ever since. The kids were forbidden from ever plucking its imaginary strings and it quickly became an extension of my very own body. It wasn't long before that guitar KNEW which note had to be played and we formed a rockin' partnership.

Our most memorable session had to be in August of '08 when I pulled a rockin' allnighter to try and get through Metallica's "Enter Sandman". The guitar wouldn't let me quit. I conquered. The night she finally failed, we were working through Deep Purple's 'Highway Star' and she just couldn't make it through the solo. The constant rockin' destroyed the plucking bar. She was gone.

Through parties, through earthquakes, my guitar survived, thrived, and provided hours of rockin' enjoyment. Adieu, my friend. Adieu.

(Now to start pricing out the replacement!)

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes

I've already identified the next gift I would like to receive at either Christmas/birthday/Father's Day, and that is the Twinkie making kit (above). It comes with the cake molds and the injector tools. This is all actually very doable with standard cooking gear, but the kit would be very nice indeed.

I've located some more interesting Twinkie recipes that I thought would be very vital to share. Twinkies are indeed the food of the Gods.

Nothing quite says 'Howdy-Do' quite like a Twinkie burrito (above). Good for anytime of day or as a late-night snack, the Twinkie burrito is a southwest favorite. Not for the faint of heart, I found another in the popular 'Twinkie-Henge" series, this one using bacon as the mortar (below). Beware, anyone in poor health or with any number of conditions may wish to avoid this particular variation. Not quite sure what kind of stew this is sitting-in but it looks quite foul... and oh, so delicious!


Oh sure, take a fancy picture and put strawberry's next to it, but you can't hide the fact that this our old favorite Twinkie pancakes (above). Not quite sure what this is called (other than yummy), but stick a series of cookies into a Twinkie and you end up with a bouquet of delight.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

My Records - Steve Winwood "Back In the High Life"

When I bought Steve Winwood "Back in the High Life" in college, Steve Winwood was already 20 years into a career so he seemed old to me at the time. He was from 'the sixties'. At the time, this seemed like a mature and sophisticated buy because of his age and because he had been in such iconic groups as Blind Faith and performed with all those blues guys like Bo Diddley and Muddy Waters. But his style was, even though rockin', not really hard crunching 'white man overbite' kind of music. It is very good, and very strong, but I can't imagine it on Guitar Hero. Now, if they came out with a 'Keyboard Hero' he'd probably be the man!

It's strange because one would think this music would be more popular in a 'Jack Radio' kind of way but you don't hear Steve Winwood much these days. I listened to this album and I thought it was very strong. There are two really big hits on here "Higher Love" and "Back In the Highlife Again" for sure (which means it passed the Jeff '2 hit' criteria for purchase).


I remember a couple of other tracks that I really dug but am not so sure they were big hits "My Love's Leavin", "Wake Me Up on Judgement Day", "Take It As It Comes", and "Freedom Overspill".

It's not really the over-bite-ingest album I own but I really like it so I'm going to have to give it 2 White Man Overbites on the WMO jam scale. So there.

By the way, in lots of ways Steve Winwood is the epitome of the White Man Overbite. As a teen sensation in England, his voice was often compared to Ray Charles. So there, again.

Time Travel 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 4 "Switcheroo"

Professor Jeffrey Rhodes and his young assistant/favorite nephew return to 1,000,000 BC to tempt fate and explore. But what happens this time to our present reality? WIll the professor be able to handle the most bizarre and all-encompassing change yet? And will anybody watch this clip?

Helpful Quotes

I found two quotes in my Success Joggers cards that I thought were pretty nice. The first one, "Write the ten things you'd like to be remembered for... it helps you focus on the right things." This is especially helpful when we get all caught up in doing stuff like earning money and chores and lose sight of the big picture.

The second one is related, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there". I always thought it was my grandfather who first said this quote but apparently it is from the Koran. Not sure who ripped off who.

It's all about focus!

Now if I can only get the kids to focus their aim when going to the bathroom then life would be perfect.

My Records - Hall and Oates "H20"

Happy Father's Day! Before I drift off for my traditional Father's Day Nap, I pulled out some old records and stumbled across Hall and Oates "H20". I've always had a theory about Hall and Oates that they had cut a deal with the devil to become famous. They'd always have like one or two monster hits on their albums, and the rest would be horrendous. It was like the devil gave them enough to get them famous, but let them write the rest of the songs on their own.

This was early 80's so it's about when they were really hitting their stride. They were famous by this time, tall moused hair, and in full devil mode. As usual, there were a couple of hits and the rest is really rough to listen to. "Maneater" and "One on One" and possibly "Family Man" were all written by Lucifer himself. They are catchy and the hooks stick in your brain like super glue. The rest is of the album... well, you know... nice try fellas.

As far as white man overbite scale goes, though these songs are catchy (at least those penned by you know who), they don't really elicit the WMO. But I can't deny their catchiness, so I am forced to award one white man overbite on the WMO jam scale. Being a Christian man, I feel it is my duty to now burn this album and forever banish it from the human record.

Desk Shot

Every tech-movie has a geeky guy in his mom's basement with a bank of computers so they can 'hack' into the defense network (in about 12 seconds) and do some plot driven action.

It is in full Uncool humbleness that I look at my desk and go, uh-oh, I may be be just like them. I'm out in in my garage for many more hours than I'd care to admit. I have not one but two computers running and I feel that isn't nearly enough. I have wires and cables strung throughout. I have the ability to ramp-up to a full-blown in-house network pretty fast. I've got editing software and green screen fabric lying around, I've got a bunch of cameras and a pile of scripts. My nephew came over and we shot more goofy YouTube clip footage.

I noticed that there's a certain group of people in our field (editors, night crew, telecine folks) who become so attached to their gear because of the nature of their jobs that they get a certain look in their eyes. A certain disconnection with the ol' world-a-rama.

I've been looking at these screens too much! Time to interact with other humans...

...and I'll get to that as soon as I check my email, update the blog and check on a little research.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

My bucket of homemade laundry detergent (above).
(Below) The consistency of pudding, the smell of roses.

The ingredients (above) for my homemade laundry detergent.

A semi-frequent topic of the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood is my love/hate relationship with laundry and my laundry Room. Being a cheap man and always concerned I am being ripped off, I decided to investigate that whole racket known as laundry detergent. Sure, you need soap to clean your things, even the ancient Assyrians knew that (my pre-teen boys could give a pretty decent argument against the use of soap, but that is another post entirely). But I've never been convinced that the stuff has to be that expensive. It's just soap. To clean clothes. C'mon!

So being the goober that I am, I went on a quest to find out how to make my own laundry detergent, how hard could it be?

I found a recipe HERE that I've been using ever since. I found another recipe that looks a little better but I haven't been sure whether or not I want to use my food processor for soap. The recipe I chose is really, really, easy to make and takes only about 20 minutes so that's the one I've been using.

The jury is still out on how good it cleans. My wife isn't all that happy with the results, particularly on white clothes. Everything smells peachy, but the whites aren't very white. I've been using bleach with the whites, which kind of seems old school to me, but bleach none-the-less.

Now, as I've read this post, I feel like I've definitely gone over some type of edge in terms of Uncoolness. I'm making my own laundry detergent. I'm testing it. I've got supplies and recipes and a spouse willing to give it a shot. I'm like the old men in the rocking chair arguing over motor oil.

I am a Hollywood hipster, I am a Hollywood hipster... chant with me!

My Records - Prince "1999"

In honor of my brother Tim's birthday (soon to be one of coolest dudes in Hollywood), I am posting one my old records that clearly is not Uncool, Prince "1999". Back in the day, this was my brothers record. I would not have plunked down the $6.99 plus tax that he plunked down because I saw no future in it. I was trying track down the latest Chiliwack album while he and his pals had it correct all along.

I remember when Tim and my friends Larry & Brian (not sure who else may have gone) bought tickets to see Prince with The Time and Vanity 6 down at the Baltimore Civic Center. I was, of course, horrified at spending my hard earned busboy money on such folly and immediately passed. They on the other hand have been telling the story of that concert for the past twenty five years.

What's not to like? A bunch of out and out classics like '1999', 'Little Red Corvette', 'Delirious', 'Lady Cab Driver', and 'All the Critics Love U in New York'. It was a double album. It was an album. Prince wrote with that crazy shorthand that everybody now uses to text. The cover had a penis (tee hee) right there in the middle!

The cover also looked like it was drawn on notebook paper between third and fourth period with magic markers and magazine clippings and is still very cool.

No white man overbites on this album, it is beyond my puny scale.

A friend of mine met Prince recently and had dinner at his house. Once again, I miss out on the Prince show and the twenty five years of a good story!

TV Show - Future Episodes

Now that we have a TITLE, a LOG LINE, a THROUGH LINE, some CHARACTERS, for my proposed TV show about a steakhouse called Beefer's, let's sketch out some potential episodes.

Note: this is horribly first draft. Some ideas...

"The Showdown" - Herman is new to the job and already trouble is brewing when old loan sharks get wind of Herman's new job and demand payment. The interest is going to be paid by free dinners EVERY night. Hilarity ensues

"Mr. Simon's Finger" - When Mr. Simon loses his finger in the french fryer, the restaurant goes crazy trying find it before a customer stumbles upon it. Hilarity ensues.

"The Vegetarians" - Jack Beanstalk and his Veggie Warriors take the restaurant over, hold the staff hostage and make vegetarian demands upon the world. Hilarity ensues.

"The Grapes of Wrath" - A fruit truck arrives with a very persistent salesman with an offer everyone at the restaurant is afraid to refuse. Hilarity ensues

"The Salad Bar Affair" - The salad bar takes up an ungodly portion of the restaurant. Half of the items on there are unidentifiable expect for the names (that make no hint at what kind of food it is). When a new batch with new names arrives on the corporate truck, does it go on the salad bar or is it a new cleaning product?

TV Show - Characters

We've talked TITLE, we've talked LOG LINE, we've talked THROUGH LINE, now it is time to talk characters:

Beefers - Character Descriptions

Herman Halibut - An assistant manager at Beefer's Restaurant (who isn't very good at managing). He has the ability to succeed but is directionless and lethargic. To this point in life, he has been told what to do and what to think; he makes a complete break from all the forces that have been doing this to him. Instead of freeing him, the lack of direction leaves him lost. "Beefers" is the beginning of the road in his journey to become a complete and whole person.

Freddie - A cook at Beefer's Restaurant. He's worked at Beefer's for five years so he knows the ropes. He's dishonest but likeable. He's the instigator who starts trouble and watches from the sidelines as his schemes cause havoc. By virtue of his seniority and ability, he's been given the job of running the kitchen and is somewhat of a supervisor. He should have become a manager or some other higher position long ago but chose to stay back. In essence, he's the king of the restaurant.

Mr. Bob - Manager and franchise owner of Beefer's. The success of his restaurant has less to do with his competence than with hthe fact that the franchise has a can't lose formula. In fact, he has become so far removed frmo how to run the place, he doesn't even count the money at the end of the night. He primary job is keeping people employed. Evertytime somebody is hire, the staff either drvies them crazy or drives them out. Consequently, Mr. Bob has perfected the technique of getting aqt least one more night out of somebody who is clearly ready to quit.

Mr. Simon - Daytime cook at Beefer's. This crusty old man has worked at the restaurant longer than anyone. He's seen them all come, and he's seen them all go. he befriends no one. He discourages any contact with himself other than official work duties. Any other contact is bound to be met with a sharp tongue or an ever sharper knife.

Zip - Dishwasher at Beefer's. A young high school student who works nights at the restaurant. He's the lowest man on the totem pole, so he takes the most crap. He's not very bright and tends to laugh and giggle all the time. Unwise in the ways of the workd, he sees nohting wrong at laughing in your face about your problems. Yet his unforgiving honesty and untainted soul makes him the wisest person working there. His snippets of truth are the most revealing.

TOMORROW: Future episodes

TV Show - Log Line - Concept

The log line is a quick, one sentence summary of your new tv show. If you were in an elevator and you had about ten seconds to convey the idea, that is your log line:

"A mob boss by day, a suburban dad by night. Still not sure which is more dangerous" - The Sopranos.
"A team of high tech forensics experts solve the most heinous crimes in the worlds flashiest town" - CSI

You get the idea. The log line is what the show is about at the highest level, as short as possible and as descriptive as possible. Let's review what we know so far:

• The show takes place in a steak house
• The title of the show is going to be one of the following: Beef, Beefers, Beef Eaters, The Boiled & the Burned, Cuts, Meat, Meat Cleaver Fever, Steak, Steakhouse

Decision #1: For the time being, I'm going to call the show BEEFERS (as in that's the name of the restaurant). Obviously, subject to change at a later date, but Beefers it is for now.

College aged kid, recent graduate or drop-out. Or maybe a younger twenties guy, moved out west or down south for college (fish out of water), dropped out or failed out and really has no place to go. Or doesn't want to go home and pretends to be in college. He gets work at the steakhouse because his tuition check is gone or he's trying to pay it back and he somehow needs the money. He bluffs his way into a junior management position or some kind of shift leader or something with a little authority so that he interacts with lots of people in the restaurant and can either cause or be forced to resolve conflict. The restaurant should be fairly nice with an array of characters who are somewhat dysfunctional in a people sense. It is only supposed to be a temporary gig but he is cut-off from his money (and really has no other place to go) so he needs to work until he 'gets his crap together'.

(Not bad! All off the top of head, ol' stream o' conscious like)

Log line ideas:

1. A young man loses his college scholarship, gets kicked out of the house, and gets dumped by his girl. Solution: get a job at the non-tastyous steakhouse in all of Atlanta.
2. A young Phillly kid fails out of school, gets disowned by family, and dumped by his fiance. Solution: Con your way into a job at the cruddiest steakhouse in all of Dallas.
3. In one fateful night, a kid from Queens catches his girl with another guy, screws himself out of his college scholarship, and nearly burns down the entire University (under investigation). There's only thing to do: lay low for a few months at the nastyiest steakhouse in Memphis.
4. What happens in the kitchen of your local steakhouse, stays in the kitchen of your local steakhouse.

I'll have to think on it some more. Any suggestions?

TOMORROW: The through line. Detailed explanation of the setting, story arcs, and universe of the show.

My Records - Styx "Cornerstone"

Spinning through the old record collection and I picked up Styx "Cornerstone". This is one of those albums that in the big scheme of things only has one hit song that has stood the test of time "Babe". However, I can't stand "Babe". I couldn't stand "Babe" back then. In fact, I bought the Styx greatest hits a few years back and "Babe" is the only one I consistently skip. I'm not a "Babe" man. The other song on this album of that ilk is "First Time", but since it doesn't turn up on greatest hits or anywhere it is far less annoying.

I've always liked this album for the other less popular songs. "Lights", "Why Me", "Boat on a River" always fairly rocked for me which is why despite "Babe" and "First Time", I'm giving Styx "Cornerstone" 3 white man overbites on the WMO jam scale.

Woodland Hills - Lots of Trees

I may be the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood, but I actually live in the 'burbs (of course). A very nice place they call Woodland Hills. Home to the rich and famous (kinda and kinda).

There are lots of trees in Woodland Hills. I suppose that's part of the reasoning behind the name. I've read some history about it and apparently some dude planted lots of trees. But sheez, they're everywhere.

They even have trees in the middle of the street. There's this behemoth (pictured above) that they built the road around. There's a restaurant down the street with a tree growing right out of the manager's office.

So if you dig trees, I suppose Woodland Hills may be your place.

Plus, if you like rivers made of concrete running criss-cross through the neighborhood, you'd be in double-heaven (below).

Mixtape - GORnR

I found this Uncool mixtape I made for a party 25 years ago in college. I would say 'enjoy' but you probably wouldn't:

Side A
'Pressure' - Billy Joel
'Rage in the Cage' - J. Geils Band
'Turning Japanese' - Vapors
'Don't You Want Me' - Human League
'Flame Flower' - J. Geils Band
'Rock Lobster' - B-52's
Planet Claire - B-52's

Side B
'Where Were You' - Journey
'Hang Fire' - Rolling Stones
'The Spirit of Radio' - Rush
'Stop This Game' - Cheap Trick
'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' - Chicago
'Any Way You Want It' - Journey
'Satisfaction' - DEVO

Jeff's Spaceship Design

When I was geeky Uncool kid (many years before I was the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood) I designed and created the blueprints for a spaceship I honestly believed would work if I only had the money to construct it. Still don't have enough dough, but I'm holding onto those blueprints just in case!

My Records - Cars "Candy-O"

Two things to note right off the top: this is actually my wife's record and this record is actually kind of cool.

The reason I decided to take a look at this album was because I had a tape of it that I listened to constantly in college. So in a sense, I felt like I owned it. My roommate from college, a pretty cool cat in his own right by the name of Tim Leffel had all of the Cars albums and I spent the first few weeks of freshman year 'taping' as much as I could. Back in the days of $5.98 records, even if there were multiple tracks you liked on an album, it was decadent to own the album if you had access to it and the ability to tape it. So I erred on the side of cheap, taped the bulk of his collection and jammed for the price of blank tapes.

I had a "Walkman" (a miniature, battery powered cassette tape player with which one listened to their 'mixtapes'. A much bulkier precurser to the iPod) that I would listen to back at college. I loved that "Walkman". Then a teammate from the football team borrowed it, broke it, swore it was broken already, and never paid me back. So I had to listen to my Cars tapes either in the car or on the 'stereo'. I miss that "Walkman".

I digress. With the exception of the disturbingly effeminate pictures on the back, 'Candy-O' rocks my socks. The three tracks I dig the most, 'Let's Go', 'It's All I Can Do', and 'Dangerous Type' alone make it worth 3 white man overbites on the WMO scale.

FIGHT! The Kids' Superhero Shortfilm

This what the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood does for fun when he is able to trick the kids into doing some acting. We created a fight scene for their BLAZER comic book and I was able to edit the stills together to show a quick scene. That's right, we make comic books together (some times). I think it's fun...

...and fun to watch at parties! (Note: Grandma wasn't very pleased with this. Note #2: They aren't really hitting each other, it's all pretend). Sheez.

Enjoy!