Hollywood Football Shuffle

So I was asked, do you have time to meet me for quick bite to eat to discuss the script and I'm like, "Time?"

I'm in that exact time-frame where all of my kids are playing sports and none of the seem to have anything at the same time or same place. Currently, I have four Rhodes boys in organized football plus a toddler. Son #2 has football at least four times per week and usually five. Son #1 has flag football twice a week and Son #3 and Nephew also pull down twice a week.

Wednesday is the trickiest day:

1. Jeff takes son #1 to practice at Park Alpha. Leaves house at 3:55p for a 4:15p drop off. Return to house.

2. Pick-up son #2, son #3, nephew, toddler and wife at home. Return to Park Alpha, pick-up son #1 at 5:20p.

3. Drive to Park Beta, drop off son #2 at 5:40p.

4. Drive to Park Gamma, drop off son #3, nephew and wife by 6:00p.

5. Drive home to drop off son #1 and toddler.

6. Rest for 20 minutes and leave by 6:40p.

7. Drive to Park Gamma, pick-up son #3, nephew and wife at 7:00p. Return home by 7:20p.

8. Leave by 7:30p to pick-up son #2 at Park Beta at 8:00pm.

9. Return home by 8:30p and eat dinner.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 "Twinkie Dogs"

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the TWINKIE DOG.

Two fried twinkies, wedged together upside down to form the bun with a kosher all-beef frank topped with mustard and powdered sugar.  I can feel my heart seizing up already.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 Grilled Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Jack Purcell Video Review Black Canvas

Jeff's Major Matt Mason Toys

Believe it or not, I do NOT have my collection of Major Matt Mason toys from when I was a kid. But I saw recently a note in Variety about Tom Hanks in a new MMM movie and it brought me back. Far and away, Major Matt Mason was my favorite toy when I was a kid. I was somewhat of a space geek back then (hard to believe, isn't it?) and this toy was right in my wheelhouse.

Looking back on it, my parents completely spoiled me on these toys. I had the space station, lunar trac, space sled, jet propulsion pack, space crawler, star seeker, uni-tred space hauler, space ship case, the bad aliens, the good aliens, and I'm sure a bunch of things I'm forgetting. Hours of joy in the basement at 1233 Limit Avenue in Baltimore City.

The main drawback was that they were rubber over wire and the wire broke if you bent a leg or arm too much. They had somewhat of a limited shelf life and would become useless if played with too much. I played with them too much.

You Know You Live in Hollywood when...

Jeff wonders (above) "Why is there green screen in my house?
Who was mysteriously chroma-keying when I wasn't looking?"

I made couple of mental notes recently about stuff that would probably only happen around here. I finally realized, this is definitely a unique town to be raising kids.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You find a bunch of green screen material in your house and you don't know where it came from.

You know you live in Hollywood when... One of the football dad's is on a show. A real show.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You see that Verizon guy up the street from your house.

You know you live in Hollywood when... Your kids tell you they really want to direct.

You know you live in Hollywood when... The neighbor kids are in IMDB and you're not!

You know you live in Hollywood when... Erik Estrada is shooting a pilot next door. And you don't care.

You know you live in Hollywood when... They announce at the youth football game, 'An Agoura welcome to Sylvester Stallone' and you don't bother to look around to see if its true.

You know you live in Hollywood when... There are at least seven HD cameras rolling during the school assembly (including a jib).

You know you live in Hollywood when... At least four times, someone hands us a card saying, "Your kids should screen test."

You know you live in Hollywood when... Gone are the snow days, hello to the fire days.

My Records - Chiliwack "My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone)"

One of my favorite one hit wonders from my record buying days is Chiliwack. Much like 'My Sharonna', it probably was not ultimately the best song to ever come down the pike, but it placed me in a specific place in time.

This song was really huge for about five minutes but it coincided exactly when I first got my drivers license and had that first burst of freedom. Alas, not on Guitar Hero...

Cheap Entertainment - The Tent

I love my tent. I've used it dozens and dozens of times even though I've only had it officially 'camping' once. We camped once in the church side lawn. Most of the time, we've set it up right in the back yard.

Labor Day weekend was another such occasion to erect "Ol' Trusty" and we've using it ever since. Two sleepovers, one birthday, a couple of Saturday nights, and the thing is still giving. The best $100 bucks I ever spent at WalMart. I'll pull the fire pit over close and we'll roast marshmallow's just like real campers.

Interestingly enough, I've developed a reputation around church as a camping expert. I tried to explain that I've only been a couple of times but they do not hear me. Apparently, my tent was the biggest and that made me an expert. As long as the great outdoors is no more than fifteen feet from my back patio door, I'm good.

I'll pull it down soon. We'll most likely re-erect the tent around the X-mas holiday when the kids are off for a couple of weeks at winter break. Another couple of weeks of glory!

Improper Use of a Piano

So we are able to snag a piano for the the living room. Nothing like a little music tinkling through the house or the strains of one of the boys struggling through Mozart or the sounds a new player making their first chords.... No.

The piano has long since become a big wooden piece of space that has totally taken up a huge chunk of living room that serves no useful purpose. Learning to play: no interest. The only one who has shown even the slightest interest is my 2-year old (who actually sounds like he's making a crude form of music - see below) but rest could care less. Until recently...

Now, the piano serves as a base of operations for the toy army brigade. Rocket launchers and helicopters sit where brilliant sheet music should be residing. Instead of sweet Christmas carols, I hear the BANG, WHAM, BOOM of simulated kid army play.

"Please, Father. Get us a piano. We'll learn to play. We'll practice everyday." Yeah, right. Tell it to your commander at military school...

"Rat Vision" - The Toy Cloak

A pile of toys (above) that have been sitting for a week.
They are currently cloaked and will not be disturbed
by the boys until I move to put them away.

I was once watching a documentary about rats. Apparently, rats won't touch anything that has been put out after dark. Not food, not anything. It's like it doesn't exist, they can't even see it. So if you want to catch rats, you have to make sure you put the trap out before dark. It's called Rat Vision.

My kids have a form of rat vision and it has to do with their toys. If a toy sits for longer than twenty four hours in any one place, no matter where it is, it becomes invisible to the kid. They don't see it. They'll step over it, step around it, all the time unconsciously avoiding it. If you were to ask them where they toy was, they wouldn't know. They would be powerless to find the toy because it has disappeared to another kid dimension. A cloak of invisibility shrouds the toy. A virtual toy cloak exists around toys on the floor.

Now, being a parent, I of course see the toys and grow more furious. I ask the kids to clean up their toys. With all honesty and candor, they try to pick up the toys but they don't see them. They can't pick them up because they don't exist in their minds anymore. They'll say, "Look Dad, my room is clean" and I'll be looking at a room full of toys all over the floor. It's amazing.

The only way to remove the cloak is to move the toys. Even a slight move brings them back into vision. A toy will sit on the floor for a week, I'll move it to a shelf, and my son will pull it back down immediately. "Oh, there it is," he'll say further infuriating me. The rats can now see the cheese. Especially if I 'clean-up' an area and put the toys in a neat configuration on the shelf, they become new and fresh and ripe for the rug.

I spoke with my wife about this and apparently I have the same cloak around all the crud in my garage (but that's another post)...

My Records - The Knack "My Sharona"

One of those goofy tunes that was pretty cool back in the day. If you know both notes, you can play it on your very own gee-tar.

The Nerf Arsenal of Freedom

My sons requested a gun rack for a couple of their Nerf guns. We couldn't stop with a simple gun rack, we had to trick out the whole closet so it looked like the arsenal of some kind of spongey assassin. Now whenever they get the urge to do a little (perfectly safe) human hunting they head to the back of their secretly hidden weapons closet and choose the proper implement. The biggest problem is keeping their 2 year old brother out of there before he 'wrecks it'.

It's always fun to watch their friends come over and salivate when they see the Nerf Arsenal of Freedom. Not that I get any joy out of any of this...

Now THAT is Comedy

So I go up to my son and say, "make a funny face." On cue, I get the classic 'pull the cheeks out' pose and he holds it while I snap the picture. Niiiiiiiice.

Of course it was THE funniest thing I had seen in about two weeks and couldn't stop laughing for the longest time. He's got a million of these faces so I'm going to try and capture a whole gallery of his Kid Comedy Revue. Excellent work, son #4

Uncool Hollywood Report 9 - Purcell Alert! September 12, 2009

Jeff's Desert Mirage - The Ice Cream Truck Incident

So I go to this music video shoot way out in the California desert. I was told, "it's only a couple of hours away." The desert we went to was pushing five hours away. It was far. Then things get strange...

Mind you, I had two of my boys with me so I was not drinking or doing anything I shouldn't have been doing. First off, as we drive down this desert dirt road, we pass a yard sale. There was no house, no yard, no grass, no driveway, no signs leading to this place, just a small car and an old lady with a table and a bunch of stuff on the ground and a big sign that said 'Yard Sale'. As we passed, I say, "Hey boys, what's a yard sale doing here?' We start to freak out.

As we get further out into the desert, we find the set. We sit around and watch for bit. We run around all over the place because it's nothing but a big desert and there's not much to do. We grow bored. Just about when we are leaving, we hear that familiar tinkle-tinkle music that lets you know an ice cream truck is coming. An ice cream truck? In the desert? There's enough business to be had driving all the way out to the desert to sell ice cream to lost souls and yard sale patrons? Me and the boys were wondering if we had arrived in the Twilight Zone.

Picture above is proof of the tale...

Happy Anniversary Victoria!

Two of my favorite pictures of Victoria. (Above) Our trip
to Las Vegas about five years ago taken at the 'Rat Pack'
show. (Below) Thirteen years ago with son #1 on baptism
day back in Baltimore.

Happy Anniversary to my perfect wife Victoria!

Fifteen years ago we had everyone gather at my mom & stepdad's farm so we could get married in a field overlooking a pond. Four boys and a half-a-country later, we're still going strong, healthy, and taking on the world.

I can't imagine life without her and I'm so glad to have a great partner in this crazy adventure.

I love you, Vic... and happy anniversary!

Uncool Hollywood Report 8 - Fashion Alert! September 8, 2009

Jeff's Annual Labor Day Sunburn

As my wife lathered-up my neck & back and all of the kids with sunscreen, she so kindly asked me, "Would you like me to do your legs and feet?"

"No!" I huffed. "I'll do it when I get to the beach. I won't forget"

Four hours later, my legs are baked and I'm screaming all night in pain. Happy Labor Day!

Happy Birthday Number 3 Son!

Son #3 recently had his 9th birthday. I was threatening and threatening that we were going to skip this year and give him two birthday's next year but I'm not completely sure he believed me. Anyway, he went with his cousin, mother and aunt to Knott's Berry Farm and had a blast. Happy Birthday Michael!

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 "Grilled Twinkies"

Happy Labor Day Weekend from your pal Jeffrey Rhodes. Unless you are traveling, you are probably going to be firing up the grill and cooking for family and friends. Let suggest a favorite Rhodes treat, grilled twinkies. They are actually quite easy to prepare. Remove from package and put straight onto the grill, no marinating, no pre-prep. A couple of twinkie grilling hints:

1. Cook over indirect grill heat. You are just looking to heat them up, caramelize a crust on the outside and add some grill marks. If you put them right over top of the coals you'll burn the outside before the inside is hot enough.

2. Use a clean grill. No sense mixing your twinkie with barbeque sauce (that's a future post).

3. Cook on its side to keep the filling from dripping out. Enjoy and happy holiday!


Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Life of a Football Parent

(Above) Jeff between naps at football practice getting in a little reading.

I've really been enjoying attending football practice this year. In seasons past, the practice was so boring I could hardly stand it and made sure to not spend too much time there. This year, the coaches are pretty good and make sure to scream and holler and all-around entertain me. But even this year there are times when it can get a little boring out on the gridiron. I've found that I'm actually catching up a great deal on my reading, writing and arithmetic.

Uncool Hollywood Report 7 - September 2, 2009

Video Game Wires/Discs/Crud - Trip Bait

I always swore I wouldn't get a bunch of video game crud. In fact, I forbid any video games from ever entering my home for many years. The family worked me over for a long time and I finally gave in on one small concession: I allowed a used, yard sale Nintendo to brought in. I should have known better.

Like crack, that became the gateway electronic device. Somehow, someway, I turned around or closed my eyes or blinked or something and when I re-focused, my home was full of video games, wires, discs, cartridges, controllers, cables, empty cases, disks without cases, directions, books about games, chips, memory cards, accessories, and remotes.
Heaven forbid I need to walk through the living room in the middle of the night to get a drink of water from the kitchen. It is not unusual to end up in a heap on the floor, tangled in cords with a WII on my head. I'm not even sure how we got all these things. I know we didn't pay retail for most of this stuff, but despite my anger, I don't through it through the window.

It is however the only reliable pre-teen/teenager babysitter. If I need 30 minutes of peace, I authorize game play and take my nap. The problem kicks-in when trying to remove them from the games. I am reminded of that scene in Alien when the sucker creature attaches to the face of the human and how they tried to remove it...

At least the kids are getting good exercise as they learn values, teamwork and hand-eye coordination.