Sunday, January 31, 2010

2010 Grammy Awards Predictions - Uncool Version

My awards show predictions are uncannily accurate over the years. It seems that I am well intuned to what is going on in the culture at large despite my uncool status. So without further adeiu...

Grammy Prediction #1 - I will NOT watch the Grammy Awards yet again. That keeps my current streak at 45 consecutive Grammy Awards telecasts that I've missed. I wouldn't want to jinx it. Heaven forbid if I actually enjoyed watching it.

Grammy Prediction #2 - During the Grammy Awards, I'll probably watch Star Trek. Going through the original series now that the special efx have been upgraded.

Grammy Prediction #3 - It being Sunday night, I'll probably eat a pretty big dinner.

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Uncool Business Card Flashback - The Radio Debacle



My first post-television job was a year stint in radio as a sales person. It was time for me to finally "make some dough". The problem was that I was the worse sales person to ever strap on a tie. I was absolutely terrified to ask anybody for money and that is one of the worse problems to have when you are a sales person.

Throw in the fact that I was selling for the hip and cool radio station and you've got a recipe for disaster. It was during this stint that I learned the value of anxiety medication.

As horrible as I was, I had made gobs more money than I ever had working at the salt mines known as Fox 45 television. Not sure if that means the TV pay was so bad or that sales is so much better no matter how horrible is hard to say. Let's just say, I learned a lot but wouldn't necessarily want to repeat the experience.

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Friday, January 29, 2010

The Jeff(rey) Rhodes Project - Jeff-ERY Rhodes Debacle


Perhaps they exist, but I have never seen in the history of the planet a person named Jeffrey spell their name Jeff-ERY. I have seen Geoffrey and Godfrey and Jeff and Jeffrey and Jefferson and million other variations but not the dreaded ERY. It is one of those misspellings that when it occurs and you correct someone they give you the ol' shrug and 'whatever'. Whatever?

'What's the difference?' What's the differenece!

To quote a good friend of mine, "One is my name and the other is not!"

Now that I've become friends many Jeffrey Rhodes' around the world, I'm curious to know their take. Interestingly enough, more people get the Jeffrey-part wrong than they get Rhodes-part wrong.

Side note: This is normally the type of blog entry I would just keep to myself but since I've come to realize there are many more Jeffrey Rhodes' than I had ever imagined, I'm running with it.

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Kids Name Cheat Sheet


Being a man and being a dude who has enough trouble with names as it is, it is with candor and sadness that I inform y0u that I have the hardest time in the world remembering the names of all of my friends kids. It is one of lifes little secrets that many guys can never remember the names of his friends kids. It just never comes up.

That's why I came-up with a "Kids Name Cheat Sheet" that I keep in my wallet.

Whenever I run into a kid I should know, I pull out the yellow card from my wallet and check the cheat sheet. I keep the kids, listed by parent, in descending order by age. As long as I get the right family, I'm usually pretty good.

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Shorty & Bobe's Christmas Trees

Jeff the packrat strikes again with a blast from the past... A classic business card from some friends of mine and one their first businesses together. "Shorty & Bobe's"

My friend Tony had been saying for years that he was going to open a Christmas tree lot one day. His dad owned the perfect location and he was going to make a killing.

In the final analysis, I'm sure the amount of time and the amount of freezing was way more than made it worth it because the Christmas tree business was a one year venture. One of the lasting benefits of my packrat skills was unearthing this card. The inside jokes abound:

*Shorty and Bobe were two very funny nicknames
*"Home of the $9.99 Christmas Tree"
*"Free rope with every purchase"
*"Expert Tree Sales"
*The fact that they even had business cards was the most hilarious part

Alas, Shorty & Bobe have moved on to much more lucrative and well-thought business ventures, but it all began with two months sitting around a trash barrel fire at the corner of Belair & Moravia Roads at a place called "Shorty & Bobe's" - Custom Tree Trimming on Premises.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What is on These Tapes?

Here is a small sample of the 947 tapes I have lying around the house with no labels. Throw in the fact that I have a bunch of empty tape boxes and a bunch of tapes without tape boxes.

Clearly, 'one of these' days I will look to see what is on these things. Perhaps I'll catch the birth of one of my sons or finally figure out who really killed Kennedy. Hard to say...

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Monday, January 25, 2010

Saving Money - Child Labor (Customer Service Edition)

(Above) 'May I helb guu.'

I have found that having my children "man" the customer service telephone lines really saves money and cuts back on overall complaints. They are cheap to hire and I don't feel a need to train them. It's good all the way around.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Jeff's Indulgence: Heaven, Here I Come


I was cruising around the renaissance fair at my oldest sons middle school, when one of his friends tapped me on the shoulder. Much to my surprise, his friend was wearing the garb of a Catholic priest and offered to sell me an indulgence. He explained to me that for one low, low price, I could get into heaven.

"Sounds like a bargain to me," says I and I traded some small trinket for my indulgence. Now that the thing is hanging on the wall of my office, I guard it like a fresh lottery ticket. Sure, I go to church every Sunday, pray, ask for forgiveness, etc. But it never hurts to have a little insurance...

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Uncool Music Playlist - Mighty Lemon Drops "Inside Out"


The Mighty Lemon Drops - Inside Out



The Uncool hits keep on rolling.. Live, from Jeff's iPod is the #13 song on his most played list Mighty Lemon Drops "Inside Out". On my iPod I have a live version of the song that I like better than the video above but this was hard enough to find.

Definitely one of those dated 'alternative' songs from back in the day. But to me, this is a nice, concise, pop diddy. Nice simple concept on the video as well...

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Cheapie Diet Soda


I so enjoy drinking diet soda but the stuff can be so darn expensive. As long as it is Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi I'm usually pretty good. But here in California, in addition to the price of the diet soda, you also pay five cents per can. Now, if you are brave enough to fight the mean homeless lady who guards the recycle return joint, you can get that money back. But spending two hours to recoup my $2 is not the best use of my time.

That's why I switched to 2 liters. At only ten cents for the recycle price, you don't hammered so hard on the recycle fee. Currently, Diet Pepsi is selling for 87 cents for a two liter locally. Guess what the Uncoolest and cheapest dude in Hollywood is doing?

So for you diet soda addicts, think 2 liters. It isn't nearly as sexy but it get you there...

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Lemon Tree War - Rhodes' vs. gardeners

It began innocently enough, as most major conflicts do, with a small incident. One day I happened to notice that one of the small trees in front of my house had a lemon growing on it. "Nice," I said. Being cheap, and being a budding chef, I was happy to have a little free and fresh produce growing on the homestead.

"I'll just keep my eye on that little lemon," said Jeff. One day, the lemon was ready to be picked. As I got into the car to take the kids to school I smiled and eyeballed that lemon, "I'm going to pick you when I get home and use you as part of dinner tonight!" I was excited. As I backed the car out of the driveway, I waved to the gardener as he and his crew descended onto the property.

Later that day, when I went to retrieve my little lemon... he was gone! My little lemon I had watched for weeks was gone, gone, gone.

I compared notes with my wife. We were the only people in the neighborhood with an orange tree with no oranges. A lemon tree with no lemons. Oh sure, our grapefruit tree was full of grapefruits but who the heck likes grapefruits? It was pretty obvious that the gardening crew was scarfing our fruit.

My orange tree (above) devoid of anything.
My neighbors' orange tree (below), a mere ten
feet away is teeming with fruit.


It was at this point that the trouble began. We decided to ask the gardeners to stop taking the fruit. Now, in an effort at full-disclosure, our home had been empty for nearly a year prior to us moving in. The same gardeners cared for the place the whole time. It would be perfectly natural to assume that the gardeners helped themselves during that time. Why not? The place was empty, take the fruit.

But we live here now. We want the fruit. So one day, my wife happens to pull up in the car when the gardeners and she called the head gardener-guy over: "Please don't take the fruit anymore, we want it. Thank you."

Apparently, we crossed some gardener etiquette/professional conduct/insult line. The man was aghast. "Never!" he says. "Why would risk everything stealing... grapefruits?"

"Well, we're more interested in the oranges and lemons..."

"Are you accusing us of stealing?" The man was livid. The man was practically spitting in my wife's face. The man was full of disdain.

In my opinion, he was feigning outrage, but the gauntlet was thrown down none-the-less. First, they started messing with our trashcans. They intentionally left the trashcan lid (trashcan lid ONLY) open which in our neighborhood is a big risk. Birds the size of small ponies descend on every open trashcan and create a horrible mess.


Then, the leaf blower-dude made a point to create the biggest pile of leaves and dirt and then proceeded to blow them all in our pool. War!


We struck back with the best weapon we have at our disposal: we stared at them with mean looks and shook our heads in disgust. That will show them!

Oh, by the way. In an incredible coincidence, all of our trees now have fruit growing on them.

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My House - The Ugliest Light Fixtures I've Ever Seen

There are a ton of things I really like about my lovely house here in fabulous Woodland Hills, CA. As the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood, it is my privilege to live in one of the greatest (if not weirdest) places on Earth. The playa who used to live in the house before us had some wild times here at the place. And they were no doubt lit by the ugliest light fixtures I've ever seen in my life.

Not sure if they are faux-Asian, faux-Persian, or just faux-awful. I've been hoping that they would be so ugly that they would actually start to grow on me but I must admit that they are starting to look get worse. I'm not quite sure what the original color was supposed to be but I gather it wasn't the putrid color they are now.
I suppose I could remove them but being the cheapest guy in Hollywood (along with the Uncool-thing) I'd have to buy something to replace them. So here's hoping that three more years will change my outlook...

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Martin Luther King Day

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

I always loved this picture of MLK and Lyndon Johnson. The message this picture gives is that you have two powerful men in deep contemplation and hard work. But if you look closer... it looks like both guys are like, "Man, I'm tired. When is this meeting going to end?" Go ahead, look again!

My favorite MLK quote has to be the classic from the I Have A Dream speech: "I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

August 28, 1963 - Washington, DC

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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Uncool History - Alexander Hamilton

Jeff's Uncool history series continues with a look at Alexander Hamilton...

"Alexander Hamilton" by Ron Chernow.

If you want to have any kind of understanding about the founding of the US and our government, you have to read this book. Alexander Hamilton is the dude on the 10 dollar bill and if you are like me you are probably like 'who the heck is this guy?'

Often times you'll hear people talk about how 'it's impossible to know what the founding fathers were thinking when they framed the Constitution'. That's the biggest load of bunk when you a book like this. It is all very, very clear indeed.

What was cool about this book:

a) Hamilton pretty much invented the government we have today

b) Hamilton pretty much invented the two party system we have today

c) Hamilton was the first US politician to be rocked by a sex scandal

d) Hamilton died in a duel... against the sitting Vice President!

This is another one of those books where we learn what a douche Thomas Jefferson was. I am reasonably confident that I am one of the few people in the blogoshpere to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXANDER HAMILTON. Next time... duck.

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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Ravens vs Indy - Playoffs, baby!

Today is the day of the big playoff game Ravens vs. Indy. I've been chided recently for mentioning the c-word so I will merely refer to "Indy" from here on out. In celebration of this great day and to hopefully pass some good mojo onto the boys in black & purple, I am posting some pics of some of some Ravens gear around the house.

In addition to the "Go Ravens" painted onto the glass of the boys bedroom window, I took some pictures of William & Jack's Ravens themed bedroom. Purple walls... Plenty of gear...

It's such a kid (boy) thing to roughly tear pictures out of a magazine and tape them crudely to the wall. We got a poster (below) from back home that was also quickly and crudely affixed to the wall.

Good luck Ravens! Destroy Indy...




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Friday, January 15, 2010

Christmas Tree Utter Destruction

Being hopelessly cheap, I can't stand buying a Christmas tree and then just throwing it away in early January. Oh sure, the cheapest way to deal with the Christmas tree situation is to buy an artificial tree but I have been most heinously overruled by the wife on that one. But what to do with it?

Firewood. That's right, after the final decoration has been removed, out comes the hand saw. Like a master butcher breaking down cow into choice cuts of meat, I go to work on the branches, trunk and needles of the Christmas tree. This years tree was surprisingly complex in the number of different branches and directions. But after an hour of sawing and chopping, I now have a nice pile of wood I'll at some point burn to my delight.

For the final time this season, Merry Christmas.

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Jeff's Uncool Dressing Influences - The Full Windsor

I wish I could say that I came from the womb with an absolute sense of style and panache but I did not. Since I was naturally a slob from way back (4th grade teacher Mrs. Hoffman, "Jeff, you dress like a slob") it took much advice and cajoling from friends, relatives, colleagues and 4th grade teachers to get me where I am today. Example: the full-Windsor.

As a young lad going to catholic high school, I was required to wear a tie. As a lazy high school kid, I could only tie the ugliest thing that could be considered a knot, the 4-in-hand knot (aka the schoolboy knot). Now, the schoolboy knot is famous because it can be tied quickly, without looking in a mirror, while running to homeroom. As a grown man, however, the schoolboy knot will not do.

As a young producer, my old boss-man Michael Schroeder demanded that his producers dress in shirt and tie so I complied. However, my schoolboy knot was horrific looking. Enter Dennis Winters. Dennis was the chief engineer at WBFF-TV when I was plying my producer trade. I can't remember if I approached him or he approached me but Dennis took an interest in the fact that I couldn't tie a full-Windsor like a real man. "I'll help, he says."

A couple of days later, he comes in with a step-by-step guide. Like the excellent engineer and teacher that is Dennis Winters, he has charts and graphs, mounted on cardboard with a laminated front (see picture above). "Put this next to your mirror and practice everyday," says Dennis. Less than two weeks later, I am tying the best full-Windsor knot this side of Buckingham Palace.

Being the pack-rat that I am, I still have that laminated card proudly displayed in my office. Thank you Dennis Winters for taking the time to help out a young, helpless producer in distress!

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Monopoly Game Collection - Antique Board Games

Being a cheapie, if I'm going to collect something it has to be something I like to play with and it has to be inexpensive. Hence, my joy in collecting Monopoly game sets. I've come across quite a few older games over the years. Through my mom's old antique store, she'd come across old game sets and throw them my way. It seems like every family from way back in the day had a Monopoly set so they are fairly common. Interestingly enough, a new set costs between $10-$15 bucks for a basic set and it is about what you can get for an 'antique' set.

I really like these old sets and marvel at how simple they were. The houses and hotels are still green and red but are made of wood. The Community Chest and Chance cards are the same color but looked typed and don't have pictures. In fact, these older sets don't include the iconic "Rich Uncle Moneybags" character with the top hat and moustache. The money looks pretty much the same from the beginning.


The other big difference between the older versions and the newer ones is the box. Nowadays, there is a large elongated box the includes the board, money and all the pieces. Back in the day, all of the money, tokens, and cards came in a smaller box and the board was separate. The game board itself looks virtually identical to the modern counterpart.


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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bobby the Bobcat

Growing up, we never went into the basement at my grandparents house because we were afraid of the stuffed animals. Our worse enemy was the stuffed bobcat. It wasn't until we were much older that we got the courage to take a closer look. Poised in an aggressive pose, Bobby protects the ol' home office from any potential predators. Incredibly, for being dead seventy years and never going outside, it will get the occasional tick.

Before you give me any grief, I didn't shoot it, and my grandfather shot it many years before I was born so I'm not sure which (if any) laws were broken. I'm just not sure what to do with it and it's kind of sentimental for me now. It certainly freaked the dog out as he tried to ascertain what the threat might be.

As might be expected, he took on the name of "Bobby" and he's been delighting the succeeding generations ever since.


If it makes you feel better, he is being kept company by "Ted" the bear, my stuffed teddy bear head that has been proudly mounted in every bedroom I've lived in since about third grade.

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Jack Purcell Blue Canvas Old School

I found this pair of Jack Purcell's at a vintage sneaker store in Silverlake, CA. These are an old style Jack Purcell Blue Canvas.

Being old school, they are a completely different cut and mold from those currently on the market from Converse. These older models actually feel more like a typical sneaker. Your average Jack Purcell tends to sit flat and feel almost like a moccasin. The sole isn't very thick, so you tend to stand lower and quite frankly have to get used to it.

These old school blues sit higher like a Nike or Adidas so have a different feel to them. They no longer make them this way, but you run into them occasionally if you keep your eye out. I save these and wear them every so often when I'm trying to look casual but have to have a sharpness to my look. In Hollywood, this would be your lower level meetings or a semi-power meal.

I would wear these to a special day at church (Easter/Christmas) but not regular church (don't want to waste the newness). I'm trying to preserve the newness so they only come out every so often. Starting to get a little wear so I need to be careful!

It's at this point that you laugh at the fact that I have rules for when to wear different sneakers.





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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Jeff(rey) Rhodes Project - Pt. 2

Update! As I learn more and more about my fell Jeff Rhodes', I'm doing a census of sorts to figure out all of my alternate realities.

So far, I've become friends with 23 Jeff Rhodes' around the world. It's a pretty diverse group of Jeff Rhodes', the only constant being that they are male and they have some command of the English language. Due to privacy concerns, I cannot in good conscience mention to which Jeff Rhodes I am referring to, though due to the nature of this post, it is safe to assume that their names are indeed Jeff Rhodes:

*Texas Jeff
*Pennsylvania Jeff x 4
*Tennessee Jeff
*UK Jeff
*Virginia Jeff x 2
*Massachusetts Jeff
*California Jeff (besides me)
*Arkansas Jeff
*Arizona Jeff
*New York Jeff
*Ohio Jeff
*Mississippi Jeff
*North Carolina Jeff
*Florida Jeff
*Australia Jeff... "is looking forward to playing cricket today in 41 degree heat."
*Indiana Jeff

*A few I can't tell where they're from...

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Friday, January 8, 2010

The Jeff(rey) Rhodes Project - Pt. 1


Jeff Rhodes (left) enjoying a little time with his pal Jeffrey Rhodes (right).


So I'm traveling time from Seattle to LA and I get out of my meeting early and dash to the airport as fast as I can to try and get an earlier flight. When I swipe my credit card, I notice that the kind folks at Northwest Air had already put me on an earlier flight. Great. I board the plane, grab my seat, and close my eyes. Some dude walks up tells me I'm sitting in his seat. I double check my boarding pass, double check my seat number and politely tell him he's wrong. He goes to the flight attendant. The flight attendant comes back and asks for my boarding pass. I oblige and hand it to her. She compares my boarding pass to his boarding pass, "Which one of you is Jeffrey Rhodes?"

We both raise our hands.

This is the first confirmed meeting I've had with another Jeff Rhodes. I thought it was kind of funny. The other Jeff Rhodes was kind of a jerk. I was hoping to compare Jeff Rhodes notes but no dice.

So it got me thinking about how many Jeff Rhodes' there are out in the world. Who are they and what do they do? So I decided to become friends with as many Jeff Rhodes' as I could find. I've started with Facebook and sent friend requests to 272 different Jeff or Jeffrey Rhodes'.

So far:

One Jeffrey Rhodes is a high school kid from Indiana.
One Jeff Rhodes is from Mississippi
More than a few Jeff Rhodes' seem to be from Ohio
One Jeff Rhodes likes to play games on Facebook
Another Jeff Rhodes doesn't like people who play games.

Further reports to come on the Jeffrey Rhodes universe as I make friends with my found pals...


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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Uncool Music Playlist - Cheap Trick "Surrender"



The Uncool hits keep on rolling... Live, from Jeff's iPod it is the #1 song on his most played list CHEAP TRICK "Surrender".

This is one of my Uncool favorites from Guitar Hero 2.

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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

TV is Superior to Movies - Rome

I'm pretty sure this is going to be the best evidence to date that I am indeed Uncool so here goes... TV is superior to movies example this month: ROME

Without A DOUBT, when done correctly, the best of television is far superior to the best of movies. Period. End of story.

The best novels are better than the best short stories... the best pro is better than the best college... It's all physics.

Think about it. How well can you tell a story if you have 22 hours versus two hours? Sure, the pacing is different and there's more hit-or-miss and there's clearly art going on during a concise two hour flick but... please.

Let's look at characters: In a well made television show, you can develop real characters over time. Changes and arcs are more realistic and believable and true to life. You can show many, many more characters to minimize the use of the dreaded 'composite' character. Your characters can interact more realistically and without having to rely on character who serve contrived story purposes. The stakes for characters are greater because we have more sympathy and investment. More characters are truly dynamic.

Let's look at story: Plot can unravel at different, realistic paces. You can have multiple arcs that are more complex and layered. With a TV show, you can have true epic proportions for even a small story.

An example is one of my favorite shows...

Title: ROME
Episodes: 2 seasons, 22 episodes
Status: Cancelled

How else can you truly tell the epic tale of ancient Rome's transition from republic to empire? How can you possibly tell this story in a two hour slug fest. Like a fine novel unfolding, we see the complex relationship between Julius Caesar and Mark Antony and Augustus Caesar and all of their families, soldiers and enemies.

Too expensive to continue, too quick to die. For an absolute treat on a grand scale, ROME.


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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Best Gift of All: Socks

Nothing pleases a father like getting a new bag of fresh socks for Christmas. As a child, nothing would have repulsed me further than to get any item of clothing for Christmas. The child mind filters out any item of clothing and never quite connects "clothing" with "gift" on any level. As a kid, if I had received $5,000 worth of suits, clothes, shoes and one small toy I would have remembered that Christmas as the one where I got only a small toy.

Fast forward to my manhood. I'm not sure when the switch happened. I'm thinking sometime around the time when I had to buy my own clothes that I started to 'value' getting socks for Christmas. Then somewhere along the line... I started to 'like' getting underwear and socks for Christmas. Now it is one of the highlights of my year.

That whole week after Christmas, there is no bigger smile on my face than when I pull a fresh pair of socks out of that resealable back and put that virgin cotton on my size 12's. Oh, life gets no better. I always said if I won the lottery, one of big extravagances would be that I would wear new underwear and socks every day. I may try to figure out a way to make that happen without the whole lottery thing.

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Sunday, January 3, 2010

Jeff's New Star Trek movie - Blu Ray

This past spring, I got pretty excited about going to see the new Star Trek movie so it is no surprise that I wanted to get the new movie on DVD.

My lovely wife splurged for me and got the whole thing on Blu Ray. Now every blood curdling scream and every beep and blip is in crisp sound. I'm already annoying the entire family by cranking the volume up every time they transport down to the planet. I'm not going to be geek enough to review the movie or the DVD I am geek enough to grasp it close to my chest and scream, "don't touch!"

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Jack Purcell RED Ox


As part of the Christmas wrap-up, I have some really cool things I received as gifts. Time to start showing off the wares...

One of my fancy-pantest gifts came from my well-connected Hollywood pal who know's of my love for the Jack Purcell and happened upon this particular pair of Jack's at the world famous Undefeated sneaker store. These are the Jack Purcell RED. I encourage you to read about RED, the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, which I knew nothing about until I got these sneakers.

Every bit of the packaging, from the top of the box to the tissue paper inside, to the tags, is all tricked-out in the RED logo/branding. I'm kind of a sucker for this kind of complete branding so it was just fun going through all of it.

These will be 'saver' sneakers that I can now have in reserve for an important meeting/occasion/event. I am now well loaded on the 'saver' front. Pictures below...















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