Jeff's New Guitar Game Controller

As part of the Christmas wrap-up, I have some really cool things I received as gifts. Time to start showing off the wares...

Without a doubt, my sexiest and probably most Uncool present to receive was a new guitar/game controller for my various games. My old Rock Band guitar died last summer and that created a problem. Mainly, we could no longer play Rock Band very well with just drums and a microphone. Hence, my "career" was over just as it was getting pretty good.

Then a series of miracles happened. First our old Guitar Hero 2 game, which until this time had been damaged beyond all repair, suddenly started working again. The family referred to this happy event as the 'Christmas Miracle' and the two weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with me and the boys a rockin'! Then on Christmas Eve, Santa awoke me from my egg nog induced slumber and handed me my new ax.

"Here you go my son," said Santa. "You must rock!"

It's a thing of beauty:

*Size and weight comparable to a real guitar
*Cordless
*Special adapter for use with Rock Band AND Guitar Hero on Playstation 2 & Playstation 3

Another Christmas miracle. Now time to rock...

Jeff's Uncool Predictions for 2010

Every year beginning with this one, I have issued an annual list of predictions for the coming year.

Prediction #1 - I will NOT watch American Idol

Prediction #2 - I will NOT watch 'The Oscars', 'The Emmy's', 'People's Choice Award', 'MTV Music Awards', 'MTV Movie Awards', 'BET Awards', 'The Tony Awards', 'Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards', 'The ESPY's', etc. There's always a chance, so I never say never, but my record has been pretty strong the past five or six years at avoiding all of this.

Prediction #3 - I will turn up on television someplace this year. I have one thing shot that I'm pretty sure will air and there's a good chance I'll be on but I'm thinking this might another banner year.

Prediction #4 - My ice maker in the freezer will continue to only make one batch per day until March when it will stop even doing that.

Prediction #5 - I will forget I made any of these predictions by next week.

Jeff's Hickory Farms Gift Box

My father is a creature of habit and one of his habits is to send me and my brother a Hickory Farms gift box every Christmas. I must say, I am a sucker for the Hickory Farms gift box. As a kid, when we went to the mall, I'd sneak by the Hickory Farms booth about a hundred times to scarf-up their free samples of summer sausage they'd have laid out on a tray. When I got older, I was too cheap to buy it for myself but my dad started buying them for us and having them delivered. Nowadays, it isn't a Christmas without the ol' H.F. hitting the doorstep the week before Christmas.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... (burp, burning taste, yummy)

Christmas Peanut Butter Fudge

With the Christmas Season hard upon us, I decided this year to make a little fudge for around the house. Growing up, my grandmother always had old coffee cans (decorated with felt and Christmas themes) full of fudge, cookies, buckeyes and candies. I found a recipe in my old handy-dandy Better Homes & Gardens cookbook and set to work.

Ingredients: Sugar, peanut butter (chunky if you want the fudge nutty), marshmallow creme, butter and evaporated milk.

Not surprisingly, there are massive amounts of sugar in this recipe. And you start with 4 cups of sugar, a cup of butter and a can of evaporated milk in a buttered saucepan. Heat on medium (I stir most of the time because that's what I saw my grandmother doing).

Here's the tricky part: The syrupy mixture needs to be heated until it reaches 234 degrees (no more than 240). That's right, 234. Not 233 or 232. 234. This is called 'softball stage' and I think I figured out how to do it without the thermometer but I wasn't willing to risk ruining $47 dollars worth of sugar to find out. Once it is 234, you remove from heat and mix in the peanut butter and marshmallow creme. It's really quite easy if you have $47 worth of sugar and a candy thermometer.

When all ingredients have finally been mixed thoroughly, pour the fudge into a buttered 13 x 9 baking dish. I sprinkled some chopped nuts on top and pressed them in slightly for a nutty top. You could add nuts to the fudge itself but I had just gone ahead and used crunchy peanut butter and that did the trick.

Cool completely, then cut. I used a sharp knife dipped in water for a cleaner cut. I also took some of the fudge, balled-it-up, dipped it melted chocolate for a crude but effective buckeye. Lay neatly inside of a tin on top of wax paper, add a bow to the top and you are ready to serve.


I can't eat any of it but it smells delightful and the boys are sucking them down. Merry Christmas!

Television - Uncool Year in Review

True Blood (above). The stupidest show on television.

Much like that curmudgeon with the shorts and black socks I've become, I like to watch what I like to watch on TV and I've stopped trying to impress anyone with my taste. I've divided my lists accordingly, so here goes...

SHOWS EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO LIKE BUT I CAN'T REALLY STAND
These are shows that I've seen or watch because my wife watches. I don't really like these shows but I can stomach it for the sake of my loved ones:

True Blood - What the heck is it with vampires? I don't completely understand why we need forty seven versions of the vampire thing going on right now. I so wanted to like this show, but its stupid. Everybody has horrible accents, the vampire stuff is stupid, it's not particularly funny, it's not particularly scary, and it's stupid. Besides all that, I'm fine with it.

Law & Order: (Fill in the blank) God bless Dick Wolf for creating 3,492 episodes of television. He's got to be a billionaire a couple of times over by now. After about episode 2,500, I was pretty much done.

Sons of Anarchy (above) the greatest show on television.

SHOWS EVERYONE ELSE LIKES THAT I LIKE ALSO
This is the list of shows I'd say I liked if I were at a cool guy party and I didn't want to lie and I knew it would be safe to say so. Plus, I really like them.

Sons of Anarchy - As per usual, I'm suckered into hoping the bad guys win. This time it is dirt bag bikers who run guns. Not that bikers are necessarily bad, only when they run guns.

Dexter - I'll be honest, this is getting close to my 'I'm not digging this anymore list' but it is turning around. I haven't seen the finale yet (satellite issues) but I heard it was epic so don't tell me.

Modern Family - Not sure how long I'll dig this show but right now I'm cracking up everytime it comes on.

The Tudors - It helps that he only had six wives, because it is starting to get a little repetitious. Knowing that the final season is coming up gives me a little more hope. Either way, I've really enjoyed the 'cool guy Henry VIII'.

Mad Men - Everybody seems to dig this show and I'm sure I agree for all the same reasons.

Hell's Kitchen (above) the greatest show on television.

SHOWS I USED TO LIKE BUT NOW PRETTY MUCH DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYMORE
Heroes - Stupid. First season was killer. What happened? Like an idiot, I watched every episode this season hoping beyond hope. Hope dashed.

Entourage - Going through the motions.

24 - 24 x stupid. The whole premise is old. First season was hot. Then I fell asleep at some point and didn't really feel like turning it back on. What does that say?

Project Runway - I'm surprised about this, but I suddenly lost interest. Even my old pal Tim Gunn seemed to be phoning it in a bit.

SHOWS I LIKE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I'M A GOOBER
Reality game shows: Survivor, Amazing Race, Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef - If there is a show where someone could be eliminated week-to-week, there is a good chance I'll like the show. I am a student of Survivor, a hopeful contestant with one of my sons on Amazing Race, and I've been to the actual Hell's Kitchen during service. This kind of show is in my wheelhouse.

Food network: Chopped, Good Eats - I like stupid cooking shows, what can I say?

American Idol (above) the stupidest show on television.

SHOWS I'VE NEVER WATCH ONE MINUTE OF AND NEVER WILL
I don't let the fact that I've never seen any of these shows stop me from judging them as complete failures. They are stupid simply because I decided they were.

American Idol - Stupid
Dancing with the Stars - Stupid
Grey's Anatomy - Dumb.
Lost - Stupid

Guilty Pleasures: Jeff's Uncool Movie List - Vanity Movie Edition

Like a lot of people, I have movies I like that aren't generally well thought of - movies that were pretty much panned (or even outright reviled) but I seem to like them anyway. As I went through my list, I realized I was a big fan of vanity movies. You know the ones... a big star gets a lot of power and is able to get a personal pet project greenlit and made simply on the strength of their name. Heck, they may have even written the movie... and directed in it... and starred in it... Why do I like these movies? I don't particularly know, but here is Jeff's list of guilty pleasures - vanity movies edition:

Costner bringing home the mail in The Postman (above).

The Postman (1997) - Kevin Costner's post apocalyptic story of a drifter inspiring a desperate people by... delivering their mail. Very sappy, very heavy handed and very, very long. But as soon as that little girl starts singing, "Oh beautiful for spacious skies..." my heart lept a beat (right after my nephew and I got a giggle). Costner goes for all the anti-hero cliches and even manages to convince Tom Petty to play... himself. Wow.

That Thing You Do! (1996) - Tom Hanks wrote and directed this tale of the fictional 60's group 'The Wonders'. For some reason, I've watched it about 647 times. Every time it comes on TV I watch it. It's like the heroin of movies. I see it on the channel guide and I feel the need to click on it. Every time, I scream at the screen, "Just do the song in Spanish you moron, don't ruin it for the other guys!"

Look at all the stars in this flippin' movie.
It would $100 million just for the salaries if
this were made today. How could anyone resist
The Quick and the Dead?

The Quick and the Dead (1995) - This was the cowboy movie with Sharon Stone. I love this movie even though it seems to be universally reviled. I has like twelve big actors in this movies: Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Keith David, Lance Henriksen, Gary Sinise, Tobin Bell, Pat Hingle... This is another one I can't go past when it shows up on the channel guide.

Hudson Hawk (1991) - Nobody seems to like this movie. Nobody. But Bruce Willis was able to get it made. Bruce Willis did a lot of the writing on this. This was Bruce Willis' movie. I think I liked it because I was always under the impression it was more comedy than action. If I could explain it, I would explain it. It's stupid, I know. But when James Coburn said, "We blow up space shuttles for breakfast," I immediately shot my diet coke right out my nose. I wish I could explain it.

Shadow Ranch Football Ghost

(Above)  My son playing flag football.  

Notice the mysterious figure in the window 

of the building in the rear.  Scaaaaaaaary.

Took this picture of my son playing football at Shadow Ranch Park here in Woodland Hills when we discovered a picture of a ghost in the window. Creepy...

Boulevard of Broken Chairs

(Above) The chair graveyard.

The Rhodes family is big in many ways. Oh sure, having a wife, four boys, a sister, and a couple of nephews hanging around the house makes it a big family. But I'm also talking weight. My boys are growing and eating and playing sports and eating some more and quite frankly they have little concept of the importance of not leaning back in their chairs.

As a consequence, I have a growing graveyard of broken chairs. Currently, I have six completely broken chairs awaiting repair. I have several 'in service' chairs I would classify as 'endangered'. I was given specific and detailed instructions from my step-father on how to repair the chairs and have in fact successfully repaired two chairs. The problem is that a 'proper' repair takes all day to do and three days of drying & curing and I haven't really stepped up to do it.

But with Thanksgiving approaching and more bodies on the way, it may be time to get out the glue and clamps and suck it up. Please don't take as nagging when a kindly man that looks a lot like me screams, "Stop leaning back in that chair!" It may not save your life but give that man three days of his life back!

My Dirty Glasses

I'm not quite sure why or how, but every time I turn around my glasses are dirty. I never remember touching them or fiddling with them or brushing against them, but somehow they get dirty. I recently got a new pair of glasses and my last pair were so scratched up that I could hardly see out of them. And since I'm horribly cheap, no matter how bad they would get, I would refuse to replace them. So I turned-over a new leaf and decided to really take care of this new pair.

The kind gentleman at the optometrist office suggested I use these ever present microfiber clothes to clean the glasses instead of my shirt tail so I asked for an extra couple of sheets. Before I made it to the care leaving the doctor I already needed to clean them. So I decided, I'll leave one of the clothes here in the car.



Pretty soon, I had microfiber clothes strategically placed everywhere in my life I may need them:

1. Two at my desk, one on each side of the table.

2. One in the drawer of the table next to my favorite TV-watching seat.

3. One in the center console of the car.

4. One on my bedside table for reading.

5. One in my backpack for traveling.

It was after typing this list that I realized (once again) I'm becoming more and more like those crazy old men with their crazy coffee cans full of nails and screws and piles of coupons. Sheez...

Mattel Electronic Football - The Height of Gaming Technology

When this came out it was the apex of electronic gaming. My brother had snagged one of these Mattel Electronic Football games for Christmas and it soon afforded us hours and hours of thumb numbing joy. Like may football-type games (see electric football here), it is more window dressing than an actual simulation of playing football.

Basically there were three rows by which you could move your 'man' forward. You had to wait for the 'defense' to get out of the way and then ran down the open row before you were 'tackled'. There were two speeds "Pro 1" and "Pro 2", the first was impossibly easy and the second was impossibly hard. Only fools ever 'kicked' and it had some memorable if not simple electronic beeps sfx (especially upon turning the ball over on downs).

Surprisingly, I still don't have this somewhere in my packrat collection. I believe I eBayed it several years ago for a small fortune ($18 rings a bell).

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 14 - Good Design is Universal

Twinkies as the basis for good design. Just common sense.


Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 13 Cloning Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 12 Twinkie Book
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 Grilled Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

The Most Complicated Toilet in Existence

My toilet started experiencing technical difficulties several weeks ago. The problem: proper flushing. It was the weirdest issue. You'd flush it once and nothing would happen. You'd have to wait for it to fill-up, then flush it again for it to work properly. This toilet was never normal. It was one of those toilet that when you flushed, it was so powerful and fast and quick that you knew it wasn't a normal set-up. I was afraid that if anything were to be 'left behind' during a flush cycle, there would be major medical problems.

After weeks of hemming and hawing, I decided to try and fix the toilet. I opened it up and found this. No water. No flapper. No big ball I could adjust. I found something that looked to be an Apollo era rocket engine pump. It is called the Flushmate and here is what I found out:





That's right, my toilet comes with technical charts, graphs, studies, data, theories, and upgrades. In other words, it is going to be very expensive to fix.

I was able to track down the proper "cylinder mechanism" at Home Depot for a mere $60 (even the lady at the checkout said, "Wow, $60 dollars for that?"). I installed the cylinder mechanism using the fifteen-step procedure I was able to locate on the internet. I turned on the water, repressurized the main tank, balanced the ph, adjusted the plunger spring apparatus, re-initialized the matter/anti-matter chamber, rebooted the software, calibrated the exhaust manifold and recharged the main tank.

It still doesn't work right. I found if I hold my finger over against the threads where the cylinder meets the tank, I can get it to recharge after two or three semi-flushes. All to flush a simple toilet.

Happy Birthday Nicholas!

Born three years ago today. Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of when we met him and brought him home from the hospital! The most perfect, rottenest, smelliest, cutest kid you'll ever see.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 13 "Cloning Twinkies"

How to make a Twinkie from scratch. Vital knowledge...

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 12 Twinkie Book
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 Grilled Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Jack Purcell Commercial

Uncool Cooking Audition - The Lost Tapes

I've sent in my audition video for Next Food Network Star and fully expect to never hear anything back... ever. Technically, I'm still in the running but am having my doubts.

As part of the process, we are to send in a 3-minute audition tape to give the judges a look at our on-camera skills and our personality. The rules were pretty clear: no music, no fancy editing, no tricks. They basically want the camera to stay on you the whole time for this demo. If this were a real piece, I would have wanted cut-a-ways, etc., but that is not what they wanted. There is no music and it is pretty dry. Plus, I would have mic'd myself if this were real but didn't want it to look 'too' professional (they didn't want professional).

My first demo was really, really long and I tried to edit it down to three minutes without trickery but it looked a little choppy to me. I finally said the heck with it, re-set up the camera and shot another demo using a simpler recipe that I could finish in three minutes. I rehearsed, I had a stop watch on the counter and practiced a couple of times. This was the second or third take.

I finally decided to send in the first video (even though it was a little long) because I thought it showed my personality much better, it was a little clearer about my food knowledge, and I had better eye contact with the camera. For this second one, I was so concerned about the three minutes that I'm looking down the whole time. Plus the food I made was pretty gross.

Once my rejection from Food Network becomes official, I'll post the other video.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 12 "The Twinkie Squad"

My favorite book growing up.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 Grilled Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Elderly bank robber strikes in San Diego County again

The Mall Walker Gang strikes again! Oxygen tank and all...

Elderly bank robber strikes in San Diego County again

Uncool Hollywood Report 10 - October 9, 2009

Jack Purcell Video Review Leather Whites

Teaching on the internet today is very exhausting. Staring at my idea wall while I jabber with a headset on.

Hollywood Handbook - "The Prince" by Machiavelli

I was talking with a Hollywood honcho friend of mine who suggested I read Machiavelli's "The Prince". Since I am most keenly interested in taking over Hollywood, I decided I'd keep my eye out for the book. Being exceedingly cheap, I decided not to buy the book from the bookstore (taking over Hollywood would have to wait for a sale) but lucked upon it at a local yard sale where I picked it up for a mere 20 cents. Apparently, it didn't help the person who was selling it.

After carefully reading the book, be warned, I now have the knowledge to take over Hollywood. Here's what I learned:

1. It's useful to build a fortress or castle but only if you have the love of the people.

2. I should live in my capitol city if I wish to attain the love of the people.

3. If I attack another city, make sure it doesn't have the protection of the church.

I realized I was approaching this all the wrong way. I was under the impression that I'd need to sell a script or get some kind of lucky break, but Machiavelli has convinced my otherwise. Applying what I learned, I've devised a three-pronged strategy for taking over Hollywood:

Strategy #1 - Raise an army through false promises, threats, and bribery. Deploy them in a line stretching from Santa Monica Blvd, up La Brea, ending at the base of the Hollywood sign. Since Hollywood is under the protection of no church, I should be safe.

Strategy #2 - It is better to be feared than loved, so I will be mean to everyone and demand tribute even when it isn't due. But by actually living in the Capitol Records building, I will share in their grief and attain their love.

Strategy #3 - I will build a fort on Sunset near Doheny (escape route through Beverly Hills).

Twenty cents down the drain...

Hollywood Gigs - Shopping with Coins!

Times are lean these days in the 'wood. If you don't have a regular gig to see you through the tough times, it's getting harder and harder to live the Hollywood dream. I'm lucky that I have a regular gig right now but there's always pros and cons to the regular gig.

The problem with the regular gig is it's not quite enough. Don't get me wrong, it's great and I'm blessed and very lucky and thankful to have my regular gig, but the economy is such that my regular gig gets me about 80% there. Which brings me to one of my favorite topics: shopping with coins!

Sometimes it gets to the point right before pay-day that you need that one more gallon-o-milk to feed masses (usually on a Thursday). Remember, I have four boys (two man-child's, one big boy, one bottomless toddler), two nephews, nine neighbors, and some dude I've never seen before rolling through here consuming food and destroying property. That's when I break out the coins.

That's right, I've gone to the grocery store with a cup full of coins, head held high, to pick-up that loaf of bread, peanut butter and/or spaghetti sauce to make until Friday. The big decision arrives when its time to pay. You have three choices:

a) Go through the regular line and stand their uncomfortably while the cashier counts $40 worth of nickles.

b) Go through the self-serve line and feed $40 worth of nickles into the coin slot.

c) Drop your coins into the coin counter machine, lose a $3 fee and only buy $37 worth of groceries.

Pride usually prevents option A. The grocery store workers her in SoCal are a miserable lot. If its not too crowded, I go with B. Usually, I chicken-out and go with C.

Hollywood Football Shuffle

So I was asked, do you have time to meet me for quick bite to eat to discuss the script and I'm like, "Time?"

I'm in that exact time-frame where all of my kids are playing sports and none of the seem to have anything at the same time or same place. Currently, I have four Rhodes boys in organized football plus a toddler. Son #2 has football at least four times per week and usually five. Son #1 has flag football twice a week and Son #3 and Nephew also pull down twice a week.

Wednesday is the trickiest day:

1. Jeff takes son #1 to practice at Park Alpha. Leaves house at 3:55p for a 4:15p drop off. Return to house.

2. Pick-up son #2, son #3, nephew, toddler and wife at home. Return to Park Alpha, pick-up son #1 at 5:20p.

3. Drive to Park Beta, drop off son #2 at 5:40p.

4. Drive to Park Gamma, drop off son #3, nephew and wife by 6:00p.

5. Drive home to drop off son #1 and toddler.

6. Rest for 20 minutes and leave by 6:40p.

7. Drive to Park Gamma, pick-up son #3, nephew and wife at 7:00p. Return home by 7:20p.

8. Leave by 7:30p to pick-up son #2 at Park Beta at 8:00pm.

9. Return home by 8:30p and eat dinner.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 "Twinkie Dogs"

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the TWINKIE DOG.

Two fried twinkies, wedged together upside down to form the bun with a kosher all-beef frank topped with mustard and powdered sugar.  I can feel my heart seizing up already.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 11 Grilled Twinkies
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 10 "Twinkie Movie"
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 9 - Are You Ready For Some Football?
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 8 - The Road to Heaven
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 7 - Twinkie Factory
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 - The Twinkie Tree
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Jack Purcell Video Review Black Canvas

Jeff's Major Matt Mason Toys

Believe it or not, I do NOT have my collection of Major Matt Mason toys from when I was a kid. But I saw recently a note in Variety about Tom Hanks in a new MMM movie and it brought me back. Far and away, Major Matt Mason was my favorite toy when I was a kid. I was somewhat of a space geek back then (hard to believe, isn't it?) and this toy was right in my wheelhouse.

Looking back on it, my parents completely spoiled me on these toys. I had the space station, lunar trac, space sled, jet propulsion pack, space crawler, star seeker, uni-tred space hauler, space ship case, the bad aliens, the good aliens, and I'm sure a bunch of things I'm forgetting. Hours of joy in the basement at 1233 Limit Avenue in Baltimore City.

The main drawback was that they were rubber over wire and the wire broke if you bent a leg or arm too much. They had somewhat of a limited shelf life and would become useless if played with too much. I played with them too much.

You Know You Live in Hollywood when...

Jeff wonders (above) "Why is there green screen in my house?
Who was mysteriously chroma-keying when I wasn't looking?"

I made couple of mental notes recently about stuff that would probably only happen around here. I finally realized, this is definitely a unique town to be raising kids.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You find a bunch of green screen material in your house and you don't know where it came from.

You know you live in Hollywood when... One of the football dad's is on a show. A real show.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You see that Verizon guy up the street from your house.

You know you live in Hollywood when... Your kids tell you they really want to direct.

You know you live in Hollywood when... The neighbor kids are in IMDB and you're not!

You know you live in Hollywood when... Erik Estrada is shooting a pilot next door. And you don't care.

You know you live in Hollywood when... They announce at the youth football game, 'An Agoura welcome to Sylvester Stallone' and you don't bother to look around to see if its true.

You know you live in Hollywood when... There are at least seven HD cameras rolling during the school assembly (including a jib).

You know you live in Hollywood when... At least four times, someone hands us a card saying, "Your kids should screen test."

You know you live in Hollywood when... Gone are the snow days, hello to the fire days.

My Records - Chiliwack "My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone)"

One of my favorite one hit wonders from my record buying days is Chiliwack. Much like 'My Sharonna', it probably was not ultimately the best song to ever come down the pike, but it placed me in a specific place in time.

This song was really huge for about five minutes but it coincided exactly when I first got my drivers license and had that first burst of freedom. Alas, not on Guitar Hero...

Cheap Entertainment - The Tent

I love my tent. I've used it dozens and dozens of times even though I've only had it officially 'camping' once. We camped once in the church side lawn. Most of the time, we've set it up right in the back yard.

Labor Day weekend was another such occasion to erect "Ol' Trusty" and we've using it ever since. Two sleepovers, one birthday, a couple of Saturday nights, and the thing is still giving. The best $100 bucks I ever spent at WalMart. I'll pull the fire pit over close and we'll roast marshmallow's just like real campers.

Interestingly enough, I've developed a reputation around church as a camping expert. I tried to explain that I've only been a couple of times but they do not hear me. Apparently, my tent was the biggest and that made me an expert. As long as the great outdoors is no more than fifteen feet from my back patio door, I'm good.

I'll pull it down soon. We'll most likely re-erect the tent around the X-mas holiday when the kids are off for a couple of weeks at winter break. Another couple of weeks of glory!

Improper Use of a Piano

So we are able to snag a piano for the the living room. Nothing like a little music tinkling through the house or the strains of one of the boys struggling through Mozart or the sounds a new player making their first chords.... No.

The piano has long since become a big wooden piece of space that has totally taken up a huge chunk of living room that serves no useful purpose. Learning to play: no interest. The only one who has shown even the slightest interest is my 2-year old (who actually sounds like he's making a crude form of music - see below) but rest could care less. Until recently...

Now, the piano serves as a base of operations for the toy army brigade. Rocket launchers and helicopters sit where brilliant sheet music should be residing. Instead of sweet Christmas carols, I hear the BANG, WHAM, BOOM of simulated kid army play.

"Please, Father. Get us a piano. We'll learn to play. We'll practice everyday." Yeah, right. Tell it to your commander at military school...

"Rat Vision" - The Toy Cloak

A pile of toys (above) that have been sitting for a week.
They are currently cloaked and will not be disturbed
by the boys until I move to put them away.

I was once watching a documentary about rats. Apparently, rats won't touch anything that has been put out after dark. Not food, not anything. It's like it doesn't exist, they can't even see it. So if you want to catch rats, you have to make sure you put the trap out before dark. It's called Rat Vision.

My kids have a form of rat vision and it has to do with their toys. If a toy sits for longer than twenty four hours in any one place, no matter where it is, it becomes invisible to the kid. They don't see it. They'll step over it, step around it, all the time unconsciously avoiding it. If you were to ask them where they toy was, they wouldn't know. They would be powerless to find the toy because it has disappeared to another kid dimension. A cloak of invisibility shrouds the toy. A virtual toy cloak exists around toys on the floor.

Now, being a parent, I of course see the toys and grow more furious. I ask the kids to clean up their toys. With all honesty and candor, they try to pick up the toys but they don't see them. They can't pick them up because they don't exist in their minds anymore. They'll say, "Look Dad, my room is clean" and I'll be looking at a room full of toys all over the floor. It's amazing.

The only way to remove the cloak is to move the toys. Even a slight move brings them back into vision. A toy will sit on the floor for a week, I'll move it to a shelf, and my son will pull it back down immediately. "Oh, there it is," he'll say further infuriating me. The rats can now see the cheese. Especially if I 'clean-up' an area and put the toys in a neat configuration on the shelf, they become new and fresh and ripe for the rug.

I spoke with my wife about this and apparently I have the same cloak around all the crud in my garage (but that's another post)...

My Records - The Knack "My Sharona"

One of those goofy tunes that was pretty cool back in the day. If you know both notes, you can play it on your very own gee-tar.

The Nerf Arsenal of Freedom

My sons requested a gun rack for a couple of their Nerf guns. We couldn't stop with a simple gun rack, we had to trick out the whole closet so it looked like the arsenal of some kind of spongey assassin. Now whenever they get the urge to do a little (perfectly safe) human hunting they head to the back of their secretly hidden weapons closet and choose the proper implement. The biggest problem is keeping their 2 year old brother out of there before he 'wrecks it'.

It's always fun to watch their friends come over and salivate when they see the Nerf Arsenal of Freedom. Not that I get any joy out of any of this...