Traveling across country in coach

(Above) Jeff's legs jammed into position for his cross-country flight.

You know you aren't a style-guy when you fly across country in coach. I usually fly Northwest because I have tons 'o points there and can sometimes snag an upgrade. But of course, being the cheapest dude in Hollywood, I got a "deal" on United and flew that instead. No priority. No nothin'.

Then, since I was visiting my Mom back east, she loaded up my bag with extra underwear and shoes for my return trip making my suitcase overweight by nine pounds. Again, being cheap, I didn't want to pay the extra $125 so I had to take out nine pounds of underwear and stow them in my carry-on and coat pockets.

Side Note: I don't understand this weight in the suitcase thing. It's not like I took stuff out of my suitcase and threw them away... I just put them in my carry-on and shifted the weight from the cargo hold, to the passenger cabin. In effect, their policy does nothing but make their customers more uncomfortable and/or irritable. End side note.

Then, it was so crowded that the fly attendant yanked my backpack out of the overhead and shoved it under my seat. Heaven forbid I complain or I'd get a little 'Homeland Security 101' in the back room of O'Hare. So I had to lodge my legs into a one position and pray I could get to sleep. No dice.

I Can't See

One of the issues that contributes to my Uncoolness is clearly my age. I'm "too old" to have any semblance of coolness here in Hollywood. And nothing brings that more to light than the fact that I can't see very well.

Because I can't afford to buy my now-needed bifocals (Walmart is just too flippin' steep), I'm constantly raising and lowering my glasses as I try to text while driving. This ever-present raising and lowering of the glasses is a clear signal that I'm going blind.

The other thing that the constant raising and lowering does is to draw attention to the actual glasses. I just can't seem to pull the trigger (when I can afford to do so) on a pair of 'cool-guy' Buddy Holly specs. My wife begs me to get something with some style and I just can't do it. I always feel like an idiot when I try them on at the mall and end up buying the grandfather specials instead.

Diet Soda Addiction - Recycling

It's kind of cool in Hollywood to drink too much diet soda. We've all heard stories about so-and-so and so-and-so who have a five can a day habit or some nonsense.

Then, at some point, it gets ridiculous. It is uncool in Hollywood to drink MASSIVE amounts of diet soda. Probably even a touch ridiculous... yikes! Look at that pile of cans in the recycle bin.

I spend more money on the California aluminum can deposits than I do on gas for my car! Then, because it is the "right thing to do" (plus, I need that money back), I go to my local Ralph's grocery store and stand in line at the recycle trailer (when it bothers to open, which ends up being every third Thursday).

And then the process of trying to get that money back at the recycling center is a journey through four of the rings of hell as you navigate long lines, surly attendants, and gang of homeless dudes all begging for your cans.

All of which is probably the good Lords way of saying, "Stop drinking so much stinking diet soda." Touche.

Jack Purcell's - The Uncoolest Sneaker in Hollywood

I really like Jack Purcell sneakers. That is your first indication that they probably aren't a very cool sneaker to be rockin'. First off, if you are going to veer from the cool-guy Nike/Adidas/fly-guy sneakers, most of us mid-forties white guys go for the Chuck Taylor. I don't really like those. I go for the Jack Purcell.

Issue #1 - They get really dirty, really fast. Not even the cool-guy dirty, just dirty.

Issue #2 - Jack Purcell. He was a badminton player. From Canada. In the 1930's. His claim to fame was the championships he won and the fact that badminton wasn't an Olympic sport when he was good so he always had a chip on his shoulder about not getting to go to the Olympics. Did I mention he was a badminton player? Badminton.

None of this has stopped me from buying dozens and dozens of pairs. Fortunately, since Jack Purcell's are such a niche market, the prices are reasonably low. Another uncool fact is that I am one of the cheapest dudes in Hollywood as well...

Goldfish crackers

Pepperidge Farm makes one of the only forms of legal crack known to man. Goldfish crackers. Imitation crackers aren't even close. Something about Goldfish. Eat one, and the rest of the gallon package is not far behind.

Question: How can you eat an entire gallon of Goldfish crackers?
Answer: One handful at a time.

Fat isn't very cool in Hollywood.

Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

There is something so yummy-liciously spectacular about Twinkies. Oh sure, they are made from lard, sugars, and a mix of chemicals that in other applications could be used in the making of space shuttle heat tiles... but man, you've got to love the golden cake and creamy filling.

Hint: During promotional periods when they sell Twinkies in the promotional three-pack (as opposed to the traditional two-pack), the fine folks at Hostess insert a little extra cream into the filling.

Home Urinal

As a Dude and the father of four small boys, the home urinal is looked on with envy. I know what I want for Christmas.

Pizza

Not much to say other than this is the food that the Lord himself created for us humble men.

There are two kinds of pizza in the world: real pizza and bowling alley pizza. Real pizza is the kind that they make by hand and run through an oven. I'll even count Domino's and Papa Johns as 'real pizza' even though I prefer hand tossed and baked on a non-conveyor belt oven.

Bowling alley pizza usually starts out as frozen and the crust is really hard.

The sad part is, I really like both kinds. It's all a matter of expectations. Once I'm comfortable with the kind of pizza I'm expecting, I adjust expectations and enjoy it for what it is.

Motorized Recliner Chair

After a massive session of television and eating, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of a chair. That is usually not a problem unless you have to go to the bathroom. The motorized recliner chair raises up and dumps you on your feet. The only potential issue is if your legs have fallen asleep and you fall down to the ground.

My mom has one of these at her house that my grandfather uses when he watches TV. I make a point when I'm visiting to beat him to the chair before he can sit down. He's too kind of a man to ask me to get out and I pretend not to notice he wants to sit there. Man, I love that chair.