The Nightstand

It has been said 'look at a man's nightstand and you know that man'. I'm not sure what that means or if I'm comfortable with that assessment because I took a look at my nightstand and the mix of stuff is a little unsettling.

1) Two glasses, one with a smidge of beer left in it. I don't remember actually deciding that I wouldn't mind having one final beer as I watched the History Channel but that special on the Mayan ruins must have been a partay!

2) TV remote - Goes without saying. Tube in bed is the only way to go to sleep at night.

3) "Book of Virtues" by William Bennett - Not sure how 'Book of Virtues' and an empty Miller Light can comfortably exist on the same nightstand, but facts are facts.

4) Nail polish - My wifes (I swear).

5) Flashlight - One of my earthquake preparations. Except for the fact that the kids sneak in and use it constantly and I'm reasonably sure it is out of power.

6) Clock - Alarm broken. But no alarm doesn't matter since I don't sleep anymore despite many beers, "Book of Virtues" and History Channel all working their magic at once.

Happy Birthday Jeff

(Above) Jeff at 11:59pm, March 4, 2009. Looking okay,
perhaps a touch worried. (Below) Jeff at 12:01am,
March 5, 2009. Uh-oh. Better hurry up!

Once again, time is eroding away in the Hollywood journey. As a 45 year old man, I'm swimming in a young man's game without my water wings. Fortunately, I still have my health ("what's that popping noise coming from my knee?").

I love you Victoria, William, Jack, Michael and Nick and thanks for my bike!

Cheers to you all, and here's to another great year in paradise...

Man Wing - The Plan

Media room (above). The heart of the Man Wing.

MAN WING - (n) A place at home where dudes hang out and could survive for decades if nuclear war struck.

As it is all but certain that my millions are on the way, it is time to start putting together the elements of the Super House, specifically, the Man Wing.

As the father of four boys who are growing into the manly aspects of manhood, I want to be able to spend quality with them in the absolute pursuit of amusing ourselves aimlessly. My hope and dream is to construct an entire wing of the estate soley for the amusement of the Rhodes males. I fully expect that it will take a staff of eight to run this facility. It will have walls of manly oak, and manly brass, and books "leather bound." With that in mind, here is the wish list for the Man Wing:

Bar basement/garage/pub - It is very important in a manly home to have a basement/garage bar-pub type of area that be used for entertaining during parties and to drown my sorrows when things are rotten.

The bar (above). Easy to sop up the messes, comfortable, full of TV's.

I realize this bar area isn't quite the height of manliness, so I've decided to install a full-blown, fully functioning, full-staffed brewery on site to maintain a constant supply of 'Rhodes Boys Pale Ale' fresh and chilled and ready to go. Now take that...

Rhodes family brewery.

Pool Table - In order to hone bar skills, it is necessary to have a full sized slate-top pool table with the Rhodes family crest embroidered in the middle. This will require me to invent the Rhodes family crest, but suffice it to know that there will be a Twinkie on the shield. Plus, during blow-outs where kids are allowed, the pool table is a kid magnet.

Dart Corner - For the sophisticated partay. Steel tip darts in the little plastic cases. Rhodes Family crest on the feathers.

Private bowling alley. Need I say more.

Bowling Alley - Requires specialized equipment, gear, architecture, and shoes. Takes up an ungodly amount of precious square footage. You are definitely the man if you can pull off the bowling alley in your house. An array of balls, shoes, and shirts to choose from.

No crappy sand pits for the Rhodes family. Horseshoe heaven.

Horse Shoe Pit - The picnics best friend and an excellent way to kill 2 hours at a boring barbeque.

Badminton court - In honor of Jack Purcell (Canadian Badminton King and Shoe Baron), must be regulation, full of gadgets and totally frivolous. Bleachers are essential. There should be a changing hut with regulations whites for all players.

Gym - Never to be used, but to be admired at parties and gatherings "Yeah, I spent 50g's on this room and only used the treadmill once"

TV on the Internet

I love the internet. Especially when those 275 channels I get on the satellite just aren't quite enough.

That's why I've been watching a lot of my favorite shows right off of the internet. I first learned of the joys of the internet TV experience when I recently had an issue with the satellite company and I was without their services for a period of time (bill? what bill?). After a little fancy maneuvering and wiring involving my sons Playstation 3, I was able to wire the big TV up to the old internet.

Now I'm not talking iTunes, where you actually purchase the shows. There are some alternatives where there are entire episodes for free. My favorite is Hulu. I discovered Hulu through Yahoo and have been pleasantly surprised to be enjoying some first run shows (Battlestar Galactica, The Office, Hell's Kitchen, 24, 30 Rock) and tons of classic favorites (Lost in Space, Speed Racer, What's Happening, Party of Five, Charlies Angels).

Now that the satellite is back and humming, I still find myself going through there to watch some of my old favorites as a kid. I'm still waiting for those old episodes of the SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN to pop on there.

Praise you Hulu!

Rock Band Man

I love Rock Band/Guitar Hero type games. My number 2 son begged me for Guitar Hero a couple of years ago for his birthday and cheapo Jeff begrudingly bought the thing. Twenty three minutes after my son opened the box, I strummed my first fake guitar chord. There has been no looking back.

My lower lip now has a callous where my white man overbite has nearly chewed my face off. Everything Uncool about this picture is so, so true and I don't care.

I've got an array of guitars that I choose from and a strict 'no kids allowed' rule when I'm rocking. I've also got a lead on how to make a real guitar into a controller so I'm hunting hard at the yard sales for a piece-of-crud electric guitar that I can convert into my Ulta-Axe. You may be thinking, 'this is very, very Uncool.' You would be right.

My Records - Eddie Money "Eddie Money"

(Above) Eddie Money "Eddie Money" - Debut album
warrants 3 1/2 'White Man Overbites' on the jam scale.

Good 'ol Eduardo Dinero... I probably like this record more than I should (typical of the Uncool). My friend Phillip Walker and I used to listen to this album quite a bit down in my basement lair as we plotted our teenage schemes. There were two big hits off of it "Baby Hold On" and "Two Tickets to Paradise". One of the first records I listened to where I liked the song before I heard it on the radio. I felt so musically hip or something.

Phillip and I had a whole series of fake lyrics for "Two Tickets to Paradise" that were something along the lines of... I've got, two chicken delights! Wont you, pass the plate to me tonight... etc.

Because of the good memories, I'm going with 3 1/2 white man overbites on the jam scale. The music was basic enough that it actually ages pretty well in my opinion.

Movie Debut - ATL - The Accidental Actor

Jeff (left) delivering the famous "Congratulations" line
to actor Albert 'Albe' Daniels (center) in the feature "ATL".


I'm not really an actor, but I have a habit of turning up in things from time to time. This is my first 'big role' in the Warner Bros. feature "ATL". Two things about this 'role'. I was cast because they needed somebody who looked like a corporate lackey and they hadn't cast the role yet. I so happened to be standing next to director Chris Robinson when a producer ran over and said, "We still don't anybody cast for that corporate lackey thing."

Chris pointed at me and said, "What about him?" So I was cast. I got free food (well, I was getting free food anyway), they ironed my khakis and the next day I was in the movie.

I had one line consisting of only one word ("Congratulations"), so I was pretty comfortable with the acting part. I was more concerned with getting my cash-ola and my credit! You see, when you are trying to make your way in Hollywood, one of the rights of passage is getting your name into the Internet Movie Database. It's not that hard to get into there which makes it even more frustrating that I'm not. But I figured, major motion picture, speaking part, piece of cake.

First off, I was a touch disappointed that I had a speaking part in a major motion picture and was only able to get a check for $86 (That's $100 less taxes). But hey, I'm in a major motion picture so at least I get a credit. I go to the premiere of the movie, no credit! No credit, no IMDB. Sheez, what does a hard working Uncool cat have to do to get onto IMDB? Apparently, a speaking part in a major motion picture isn't quite enough.

So I file a grievance with SAG to get some kind of recognition. Grievance, denied. I contact IMDB, credit denied.

However, $85 check cleared. Plus, I seemed to have become popular at the family reunions with some of my nieces and nephews who are somewhat impressed with an uncle who has a speaking part in a major motion picture. Nice...