Nerd Bike

I really like my new bicycle which is probably a very big clue to me that I purchased the Uncoolest bike possible. I started riding the thing and the compliments started flying:

"Hey Dad, where's your paper route?"
"Hey Honey, do you need a little basket for the handle bars?"
"Hey Uncle Jeff, do you need me to pick you up a bell?"

Edna Gulch (left) kidnapping Toto. Jeffrey Rhodes (right)
looking cool on his new bike. Yikes.

Yeah, yeah, keep it up. Then I saw a picture of me riding the bike and I began to worry. Have I crossed a line of Uncoolness? I'm riding this thing around the neighborhood ('For exercise, I swear!') and I'm getting even more cross-eyed stares. Then I realized I'm looking a little bit too much like 'The Wizard of Oz's very own Edna Gulch.

Sheez...

Bike Construction

I got a bicycle for my birthday and I couldn't be more pleased. I asked and received exactly what I wanted: city cruiser.

No gears, old school, hard to pedal. Big wide handle bars. Even managed to talk the guy at the sporting goods store down about $50 buckaroos (I'm cheap, you know).

Then came the fun part. It was like Christmas in March (not in a good way). I had to put the thing together...

The bike (above) in the box fresh from the store.

You would think that putting a bicycle together would be pretty straight forward. You would be mistaken. First off, the directions were written in fourteen different languages so despite the fact that in essence there was only 1/2 a page of directions, the entire booklet (including a whole legal section on safety) was about 80 pages.

Jeff (above) attempting to decipher the indecipherable.

Secondly, the book gave me instructions on things to put together that were already together and didn't provide directions on things that were apart. For example, it told me how to put the handle bars together (already together), but didn't bother to instruct me on how to hook it to the bike (I guessed). It showed me how to put a rear fender on the bike that was totally different than the fender in the box. It showed me how to hook the kick-stand to the bike (already hooked on) but nothing about the pedals (which were off). There was also a bag of screws with no directions as to where they went or how they fit into the big scheme of things.

As far as I got putting the bike together (above) before I was hopelessly confused.

I'm hoping to have this put together by the summertime but my hope is fading. Correction, I hope to have it put together properly by summertime. I'm already riding it, it is already rattling & wobbling and I'm pedaling it as fast as I can get it to go. Happy birthday to me!

Blago vs Jeffo

Rod Blagojevich (left) and Jeffrey Rhodes (right).
Separated at birth.

You are probably thinking to yourself how Jeff reminds you of someone but you aren't quite sure why. That's because I look like most everybody. I've got this medium quality to my face and features that if you squinted hard enough, I could be most anybody.

Case in point: disgraced governor Rod Blagojevich. That cheesy smile. That helmet of prep school hair. That salty language. Jeff is the spitting image of Blago.

When I walk the streets of Chicago, I'm either spit upon or handed mysterious envelopes full of cash. Its amazing.

My Records - Night Ranger "Midnight Madness"

Night Ranger 'Midnight Madness' - 2 1/2 White Man Overbites
on the jam scale. I still want to rock in America!

I have two Night Ranger records. I'm not sure why. My rule when I was young and buying 'records' was that I need to know two songs before I will invest my $5.98 for an entire album. I was looking for the two songs and I'm reasonably sure they were "(You Can Still) Rock in America" and the infamous "Sister Christian".

What's not to like here. They have a track name worthy of Spinal Tap leading off the record, with those parenthesis (You Can Still) followed by that insightful declaration 'Rock in America'. Whew. I was worried they weren't going to let us rock anymore.

The cover is a classic. Mullets. Parachute pants. A keyboard player who wears doctor scrubs. And a photo with about four minutes of thought put into it: 'Let's go to the backlot at Universal, grab some props, dress some extras up in different disconnected outfits and see what happens. It is MIDNIGHT MADNESS for heavens sake'.

I know what you are thinking, 'Hey Jeff, if they were so bad, why did you buy two Night Ranger records?' Touche.

Going to the Movies - "Watchmen"

As a member in good standing of the Hollywood community, it is fully expected that you go to movies as a matter of life. Of course, being the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood, I hardly ever go because I have four kids (babysitters are expensive and the word appears to be out in the babysitter community that my kids are maniacs) and tickets are very expensive (I'm cheap). I love DVD's so I buy a lot of those and get my movie fix through my big TV and all the DVD's.

But occasionally, the stars align and I go to the movies. However, the rarity of the event creates a problem. I really, really, really want the movie to be good so there's always pressure to make a good pick. Because of my recent birthday, my young nephew decided to take me to see "Watchmen". So we did.

Went to the fabulous Arclight cinemas in fabulous Sherman Oaks.

"Watchmen" - The Jeff Review - I read the graphic novel a few weeks ago. So I'll quote my nephews opinion of the movie because it is the same as mine: 'After reading the graphic novel, and watching the movie, even though it is the first time I saw the movie, I feel like it was the second time.' I liked it but there were absolutely no surprises. The words were the same. The visuals were the same. The plot was the same (98% the same). I feel like I already saw it.

When I read the graphic novel, I would read a chapter each night before bed. Thus, as I watched the movie, I found myself wanting to go to sleep. I don't think it was boredom, I think it was my body remembering the Watchmen/go-to-sleep trigger. So my head bobbed twelve times. It was almost 3 hours long. If you haven't read the graphic novel, you might not like it. If you've read the graphic novel, you'll like it but it won't necessarily blow you away.

Not sure if that helps... Next review: I'm planning on seeing the new Star Trek movie but there's no guarantee we'll get a babysitter.

Jeff's Tattoo

I don't have a tattoo. I don't want to have a tattoo.

When it was not cool to have a tattoo, I didn't want one. Now that it is cool to have a tattoo, I still don't want one. It has nothing to do with religion or society or friends and family, I just don't have the foggiest idea what I would get. There is absolutely nothing on the planet Earth that I can think of that I would want on my body forever. Maybe I'm not thinking this through enough.

If I commit a crime and go on the lam, I would want no distinguishing marks on me. I don't want any gang trouble.

My wife really wants me to get one so I threaten her that if she insists, I'll get a Star Trek tattoo (that is my clever way of nullifying the cool-guy factor [tattoo] by getting an Uncool tattoo [Star Trek emblem], thus canceling each other out). If I really, really, really had to get a tattoo, I narrowed it down to two possibilities:

a) Anchor - I'd get the classic Popeye anchor drawn cartoon style.

b) "Moth" - In honor of one of my favorite Simpsons episodes, I'd get the same tattoo Bart got at the mall.

But since both are TV references and kind of meant to be a joke, I don't think that is a good enough reason. Plus, they're too expensive.

Cords and Cables

If you are going to be cool in Hollywood, it's important that you embrace change and be willing to try new things. One of my problems with that is I'm a pack-rat. As things change, because of some mental illness and my cheapness, I'm afraid to throw away anything that may be of use in the future. Going through the garage I found boxes and boxes of wires and cables.

(Above) A box of phone cables.

First off, if you ever need to run telephone cables through your house I have you covered. I'm not quite sure how many phones I've owned over the years, but certainly not as many to justify the entire CASE of phone cords I found. There must be at least 30 cords of various length and sizes. I truly believe I have enough cable to network an entire corporation.

(Above) Cable-tv cords and dozens of plugs.

I also found a box full of plugs and cable-TV wires. I can understand the tv cable stuff, but I have nearly a dozen plugs for like computers and monitors, etc. I never had that much gear! I wouldn't have bought them at a yardsale. Where did they come from?

(Above) All of my component connectors.

Finally, I found a whole box of RCA cables. CD player, anyone? DVD player? Satellite system? A super-computer? If you have anything that needs to get plugged-in, I have dozens of the ol' red/white/yellow (and other colors) cables. I even have a router!

Does anybody need all these cables? I still won't throw them away...