Jeff's Cooking Tip #3 - Use Recipes

So you think you're clever. Why read the directions when you can just put together this bike by laying all the pieces on the ground and try and figure it out? Why read the directions when you can just hook-up this new DVD player like the old one? Why read a map when you can just find the place by driving around in circles?

We read directions because there isn't enough space in our brains to hold all the stuff we'd might like to keep up there. For Jeff, one of these things is recipes.

Cooking Tip #3: IF YOU WANT TO COOK BETTER, BUY A COOK BOOK AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS EXACTLY.

Wow. That was hard. It all started for me about ten or so years ago when I was watching 'The Ten Commandments' on television. I said to myself, "You know what I could use right now? A Boston Cream Pie". I looked in the refrigerator, no Boston Cream Pie. I thought to myself, how about I try to make a Boston Cream Pie by the time Moses gets his people freed.

Thus began my journey of cooking self-discovery. When I left home as a young college graduate, my mom gave me one present that I've learned to appreciate more and more over the years: a Better Homes and Garden New Cook Book. This cook book is great. Nothing fancy, just the basics. For example, cole slaw... rice... pancakes... and of course, Boston Cream Pie.

So I pull out the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book at just about the time Moses decides to become a slave and make bricks. I find Boston Cream Pie on page 77 and read the ingredients to make sure I have everything: eggs, sugar, flour, baking powder, salt, oil, milk, vanilla... I'm good there. For the chocolate part I need chocolate squares, butter, confectioners sugar and vanilla... crap, no chocolate squares or confectioners sugar. For the creamy filling I need sugar, flour, salt, milk, egg, butter, and vanilla... I'm good again. So I throw on a coat and run to the store to buy chocolate and confectioners sugar and return just in time to see Moses wandering through the desert with no water.

I start the cake batter but am not sure what "folding" means. I call my mom and luckily she hasn't gone to been yet. "Folding" is a gentle way of getting fluffy egg whites into the batter while retaining the air. Okay. I bake the cake part. So far, so good. I make the cream filling. I thought I was going to mess that up, but it was pretty easy to do. I make the chocolate part, easy to do.

I put the cake together and let it chill a little in the fridge. By the time Moses parted the Red Sea, I was slicing my Boston Cream Pie. As Moses spreads his arms to force the water back, I spread my arms in a gleeful sugary coma.

It looked like Boston Cream Pie. It tasted like Boston Cream Pie.

Don't be a big shot. Buy a cook book. Look up recipes on the internet (one of the four reasons the internet was invented). Follow the recipes exactly. Impress your friends.