The Old Game Boy

While my kids were complaining that their Nintendo DS's did not internet access and the graphics weren't up to their exact specifications, I was able to pull out my old Game Boy. That's right, believe it or not, I still have my old Game Boy from when I was a younger feller. I was trying to impress upon the kids that in the old days, we would play with simpler, more wholesome video games. We'd play honestly and for reasonable amounts of times. We did things in moderation.

I really liked that old Game Boy but I quite frankly only played one game: Tetris.

It being a Russian game, I was always under the impression that the since the old Soviet Union couldn't get us with the nuclear option, they shipped over a bunch of Tetris games and got the population hooked. Then all they had to do was march into the country unopposed and enslave us in a communist regime.

So I put some batteries in to see if the Tetris game still worked and....

(fifteen hours later)

What was I saying?

Play-Doh Perfume

I was remarking to my sons teacher how much I loved the smell of Play-Doh. She handed me this bottle of Play-Doh perfume and said, "Here, it's kind of fun but I'm never going to wear it." So she handed me a bottle of Play-Doh perfume. It smells just like Play-Doh. I'm never going to wear it either, but... I can't throw it away either. It smells just like Play-Doh, how can you throw that away?

My Records - Honeydrippers "Volume One"

Dove into the old record collection and pulled out HONEYDRIPPERS "Volume One". This is one of those records that at the time you felt like it was probably cool to buy but didn't really dig it. It was kind of a novelty album and one of the few EP's I ever bought.

Note to the kids: A full blown 'album' or 'record' was also known as an LP (long play). An 'EP' (extended play) meant that it only had a couple of songs on it. Back in the day, you'd get an EP and it would have three or four versions of the same song on it.

This particular EP had five songs: I Get a Thrill, Sea of Love (the big hit off this EP), I Got a Woman, Young Boy Blues, Rockin' at Midnight

The Honeydrippers were even famous because it was half of Led Zeppelin (Robert Plant, Jimmy Page) along with other pretty heavy weight musicians (Jeff Beck notably). The music was all old 50's rock n' roll and was one of the first projects where 'modern' rock n' rollers revisted that old stuff. Again, it was one of those albums you felt like you had to buy though it wasn't all that.

I'm going with zero white man overbites on the WMO jam scale mainly because I'm still bitter that my Rock Band guitar died this week and I'm just not in a rockin' mood.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 "The Twinkie Tree"

Every small boy's dream come true. The legendary Twinkie Tree. If only life were so easy...

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

Fixing the Sprinkler

(Above) The infamous sprinkler head. Will it hold?

One of the advantages of renting a place is you don't have to fix stuff all the time. Something breaks, you call the landlord. Something is creaky, you call the landlord. Something needs to be replaced, you call the landlord. Some people like to fix things and repair things and tinker in the garage. I am not one of those people. I am unhandy with cars, I repair things out of necessity and survival. I am glad for those who are handy, I am proud to share a planet with the handy, I am just not one of you. One of the joys of moving to California is that I haven't had to cut the grass, I haven't had to shovel any snow, and I haven't had to crawl on a roof to repair a leak.

Despite this small pleasure, I've learned that sometimes it is best to not agitate the landlord. So I find that I still end up fixing stuff for the most part and just leave the ol' landlord be.

The problem is that I when I moved to California five years ago, I didn't bring all of my tools. As a homeowner back in Maryland, I had acquired a manly amount of tools and could fix things pretty well. I wasn't the handiest of men, but my step dad had every tool under the sun and I could generally get things fixed. When I moved, I didn't have enough space on the moving truck for every last piece of metal I had collected over the years, so I brought what I thought I might need. Why is that problem? Example:

A) I run the car over a sprinkler head near the driveway.

B) I'm from back east, so I'm not used to sprinkler heads everywhere.

C) Water starts gushing out.

D) I don't have a shovel to dig out the pipe, so I use a plastic salad spoon.

E) I had to buy the proper piping, special glue, and a new sprinkler head and am a little short 'o cash this month and wasn't too keen on purchasing a bunch of specialized sprinkler repair tools.

F) I'm not a plumber.

My Records - Steve Winwood "Back In the High Life"

When I bought Steve Winwood "Back in the High Life" in college, Steve Winwood was already 20 years into a career so he seemed old to me at the time. He was from 'the sixties'. At the time, this seemed like a mature and sophisticated buy because of his age and because he had been in such iconic groups as Blind Faith and performed with all those blues guys like Bo Diddley and Muddy Waters. But his style was, even though rockin', not really hard crunching 'white man overbite' kind of music. It is very good, and very strong, but I can't imagine it on Guitar Hero. Now, if they came out with a 'Keyboard Hero' he'd probably be the man!

It's strange because one would think this music would be more popular in a 'Jack Radio' kind of way but you don't hear Steve Winwood much these days. I listened to this album and I thought it was very strong. There are two really big hits on here "Higher Love" and "Back In the Highlife Again" for sure (which means it passed the Jeff '2 hit' criteria for purchase).


I remember a couple of other tracks that I really dug but am not so sure they were big hits "My Love's Leavin", "Wake Me Up on Judgement Day", "Take It As It Comes", and "Freedom Overspill".

It's not really the over-bite-ingest album I own but I really like it so I'm going to have to give it 2 White Man Overbites on the WMO jam scale. So there.

By the way, in lots of ways Steve Winwood is the epitome of the White Man Overbite. As a teen sensation in England, his voice was often compared to Ray Charles. So there, again.

Helpful Quotes

I found two quotes in my Success Joggers cards that I thought were pretty nice. The first one, "Write the ten things you'd like to be remembered for... it helps you focus on the right things." This is especially helpful when we get all caught up in doing stuff like earning money and chores and lose sight of the big picture.

The second one is related, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there". I always thought it was my grandfather who first said this quote but apparently it is from the Koran. Not sure who ripped off who.

It's all about focus!

Now if I can only get the kids to focus their aim when going to the bathroom then life would be perfect.

Pre-Teen Boys Bathroom

When I was a kid, I never had the luxury of my own bathroom so I cannot honestly say I would have been any different. But the facts are facts. My four boys have the most ridiculous bathroom in the history of bathrooms. I've cleaned it. My wife has cleaned it a lot more. I have supervised the boys cleaning their bathroom. My wife has supervised even more than me. We've helped them clean it and we've cleaned it ourselves but that room just will not stay non-disgusting. These are the core problems:

1. Their aim is horrible. I know, I know, every woman who has ever lived with a man says the same thing but there is something incredibly wrong with their aim. When I was a kid, I learned pretty quickly to listen for that tell-tale sound that told you that your aim was true. They can't be hearing that sound. Maybe they are so used to the sound of liquid on tile flooring that they assume they are hitting the water. They keep the light on in the bathroom all night (they claim it is not a nightlight) so I know it has nothing to do with darkness. Think 'bathroom on the turnpike' and multiply it by 14.

(Above) Empty towel racks about the infamous 'Flush Me'
sign that is never, ever heeded.

2. They refuse to hang-up towels. My biggest pet peave. They go out of their way to NOT hang-up towels. I counted today. There are 27 different acceptable places to hang-up towels in that small bathroom. 27. If my english major math doesn't fail me, that is 9 places per user. I've asked nicely. I've threatened. I've cajoled. I've joked. I've screamed bloody murder. I've punished. I've demonstrated. I've offered rewards. I've converted every reachable free space into a hook. Help.


3. They are stinky kids. Kids are like wild animals. They clean themselves just enough to not be hunted by other animals but keep themselves dirty enough to keep the flies and ticks off of themselves. I suppose it is their nature.

Eventually, I will stumble upon a technique that will work to my satisfaction. Until that day...

Father's Day Strategy

As one gets older, the pleasures of life become much simpler. When I was a kid, I'd watch my Dad or my uncles take weekend naps and I'd be flabbergasted at the utter waste of time. I'd be like, 'they have money and power, why are they sleeping?'. As a kid, you can't wait to have a job and your own place so you could buy every toy you ever wanted. Then, once you are old enough to get that job and that place, you no longer really want those toys and you have to start buying crud you don't necessarily want like garden hoses, mulch, and wood putty.

The years roll on and I find myself saying words I never thought I'd say as a kid, "Just get me some new underwear for Christmas. New underwear would be fabulous". The sad part is, I really think new underwear is fabulous.

Which brings us to Father's Day. Father's always have stuff to do. There's always cars to wash and stuff to fix, and kids to spend time with, and wives to paint rooms for, everything is never really 'done'. Naps are desired but there's just no way to take them guilt free when there is so much to do. That's why there's two days a year when naps aren't just allowed, they are expected: birthday & Father's day.

Dad's like Father's Day because they get to sleep (note: a friend of mine, a young father, recently told me 'I used to think you were crazy talking about those Father's Day naps. Now that I have a kid, I know exactly what you were talking about.'). The kids like Father's Day because if I am sleeping, I am not yelling at them. Wives like Father's Day because if I am sleeping, I am not yelling at the kids.

So as part of the festivities, I get to sleep when I want, where I want and for as long as I want. The boys will make sure I have a fresh diet soda, they make sure the fan is plugged in and working, and my wife keeps the youngest from jumping on my head while I'm asleep. Ahhhhhhhh....

Then, I'll open my gift and put on a fresh, crisp pair of tighty-whitey underwear. Perfection.

Yard Sale Find of the Week!

Being the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood means that I don't do a lot of shopping at the trendy Melrose Avenue boutiques, Rodeo Drive or even the valet enshrined local malls. Jeff likes to hit the open road and troll the local yard sales.

I've talked quite a bit in the past about yard sales, but recent weekends have been chock full of yard sales here in the neighborhood. Ask an ye shall receive, I've been complaining lately about how all of my DVD's don't fit properly in my Ikea wall unit and could sure use another to completely hold everything. Voila! $5 bucks later, my DVD's are off the floor and in proper daddy order.

I'm thinking about painting to match but don't need to get too fancy!

Homemade Laundry Detergent

My bucket of homemade laundry detergent (above).
(Below) The consistency of pudding, the smell of roses.

The ingredients (above) for my homemade laundry detergent.

A semi-frequent topic of the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood is my love/hate relationship with laundry and my laundry Room. Being a cheap man and always concerned I am being ripped off, I decided to investigate that whole racket known as laundry detergent. Sure, you need soap to clean your things, even the ancient Assyrians knew that (my pre-teen boys could give a pretty decent argument against the use of soap, but that is another post entirely). But I've never been convinced that the stuff has to be that expensive. It's just soap. To clean clothes. C'mon!

So being the goober that I am, I went on a quest to find out how to make my own laundry detergent, how hard could it be?

I found a recipe HERE that I've been using ever since. I found another recipe that looks a little better but I haven't been sure whether or not I want to use my food processor for soap. The recipe I chose is really, really, easy to make and takes only about 20 minutes so that's the one I've been using.

The jury is still out on how good it cleans. My wife isn't all that happy with the results, particularly on white clothes. Everything smells peachy, but the whites aren't very white. I've been using bleach with the whites, which kind of seems old school to me, but bleach none-the-less.

Now, as I've read this post, I feel like I've definitely gone over some type of edge in terms of Uncoolness. I'm making my own laundry detergent. I'm testing it. I've got supplies and recipes and a spouse willing to give it a shot. I'm like the old men in the rocking chair arguing over motor oil.

I am a Hollywood hipster, I am a Hollywood hipster... chant with me!

Woodland Hills - Glaucoma Capital of the World?

(above) Two of the five weed shops near my house.

I recently took a tour of my nearby neighborhood on the ol' street cruiser bicycle. One of my goals was to scope out the local businesses for prospects for my sons for when they get old enough to try and land that first part-time job. When I was in high school, I was a happy and hardworking busboy at Velleggia's Restaurant in Little Italy and it sure paid for after school fun.

However, I was completely distressed to learn that a two minute bicycle ride from my house had me driving past not one... not two... not three... not four... but five weed shops! I never quite understood the whole medical marijuana thing and the legalities of what goes on in those places. While I certainly don't begrudge anyone their lifestyle and choices, it kind of brings a chuckle (especially if you ride by those places two or three times) when they have very medical looking signs, some in neon, with newspaper covering the glass and parking in the back.

While Ventura Blvd has about every possible store in every possible category, it just seemed odd that there were so many all in one little section. Woodland Hills indeed must be the glaucoma capital of the world.

(above) One of the six nail salons near my house.

As far as my kids and their part-time jobs go, I guess they'll have to try one of the not one... not two... not three... not four... not five... but six finger nail salons within three minutes of the house. Sheesh.

IMDB Scheme #47 - Reality Show

(Above) The reality show crew setting up to tape
me & the family eating Sunday dinner.

I am determined now more than ever to get into IMDB. My latest scheme is to get onto a reality show. Unfortunately, I picked the Uncoolest of the categories and decided to do a weight loss kind of thing entitled "I'm Fat Again". There are a couple of problems with this.

1. I'm not all that fat anymore. I used to be quite fat. I took care of it in a drastic way. I'm still in a pretty good place. I had to convince them I was fat enough to be considered 'fat again'.

2. It's probably not raising my profile in the most positive way. If you buy into the basic premise, I'm 'fat' and 'again'. And if there is one thing I've learned, there is little room for the porky in Hollywood. Hence if you believe I'm fat, that's bad. If you believe I'm not, you're probably wondering what I'm doing there in the first place.

Either way, I'm at least hoping to gain my coveted IMDB entry so that I can add in my uncredited role in the major motion picture ATL. Sheez, this is the long way around to get this done...

Anyway, "I'm Fat Again" premieres tomorrow night at 8p eastern/5p pacific on Discovery Health. And if you have HD, you can view my chubby belly in fabulous HD on DHC-HD.

My Records - Starship "Nuclear Furniture"

I probably speak for many when I lament the old Jefferson Airplane and say, "Oh, what happened to ye?" Answer: Jefferson Starship. Nuclear Furniture.

Did they owe an album? Were they short of dough? Did the drugs do that much damage? I give it 1/2 of a White Man Overbite on the WMO scale because one tooth went over a tiny sliver of lip on "Layin It On the Line". The rest was very difficult...

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2

In my never ending series on the wonders and beauty of Twinkies, I have decided to post some recipes that use Twinkies as ingredients. Yes, there are recipes that include Twinkies as ingredients. No, they have absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Yes, it is possible to completely clog your arteries in one Twinkie sitting.

Recipe #1 - Deep Fried Twinkies
Ingredients

# 6 Twinkies
# Popsicle sticks
# 4 cups vegetable oil
# Flour for dusting
# 1 cup milk
# 2 tablespoons vinegar
# 1 Tablespoon oil
# 1 cup flour
# 1 teaspoon baking powder
# 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions

1. Chill or freeze Twinkies for several hours or overnight.

2. Heat 4 cups vegetable oil in deep fryer to about 375 degrees.

3. Mix together milk, vinegar and oil.

4. In another bowl, blend flour, baking powder and salt.

5. Whisk wet ingredients into dry and continue mixing until smooth. Refrigerate while oil heats.

6. Push stick into Twinkie lengthwise, leaving about 2 inches to use as a handle, dust with flour and dip into the batter. Rotate Twinkie until batter covers entire cake.

7. Place carefully in hot oil. The Twinkie will float, so hold it under with a utensil to ensure even browning. It should turn golden in 3 to 4 minutes. Depending on the size of your deep fryer, you might be able to fry only one at a time, two at the most.

8. Remove Twinkie to paper towel and let drain. Remove stick and allow Twinkie to sit for about 5 minutes before serving.

Makes 6.


Recipe #2 - Twinkie Sushi

SERVES 2 -3 (change servings and units)
Ingredients

* 3 Hostess Twinkies
* assorted dried fruits
* assorted fruity decorative candies
* 2 green fruit leather
* dried mango (looks like pickled ginger)

Directions

1. Slice Twinkies into pieces about an inch tall.
2. Slice fruit rollups in strips to be long enough and wide enough to wrap around the Twinkie pieces.
3. Place dried fruits and candies into the cream filling.
4. Place Twinkie rolls on a plate or in a Bento box.
5. Garnish with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger if you wish.
6. Serve with chopsticks.

Quotes of the Infamous - O.J. Simpson

Going through my old stack of 'Success Joggers' and I found something interesting. 'Success Joggers' are business card sized papers with different quotes on them. The thought is that everyday, you go to the next card and get a nugget of wisdom to get your day started.

My wife got a stack of these from her old job at MCI and I go through them from time-to-time.

Found one from O.J. Simpson, obviously pre-1994 and very interesting...

Jeff's Spaceship Design

When I was geeky Uncool kid (many years before I was the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood) I designed and created the blueprints for a spaceship I honestly believed would work if I only had the money to construct it. Still don't have enough dough, but I'm holding onto those blueprints just in case!

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1

There is quite simply little that can compare to the classic Twinkie. The golden sponge cake, the creamy filling... it was a treat of my youth and it is still around today. Being extremely Uncool and not content to just buy Twinkies, I decided to make Friday May 15, 2009, "Jeff Loves Twinkies Day".

In honor of said day, I decided to make Twinkies from scratch and found this helpful recipe HERE on the internet. Hopefully, this is really a recipe for Twinkies and not some kind of explosive I am making:

Ingredients:

* Supplies:
* 1 round spice bottle, the size of a Twinkie
* 12 (12 x 14-inches each) pieces non-stick aluminum foil
* Pastry bag
* Toothpick
* Vegetable oil spray

* Cake:
* 16-ounce box golden pound cake mix
* 4 egg whites, beaten until stiff
* 2/3 cup water

* Filling:
* 1/3 cup vegetable shortening
* 2 teaspoons butter, at room temperature
* 1 cup powdered sugar
* 1/4 cup granulated white sugar
* 1/3 cup evaporated milk
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2 drops lemon extract

Preparation:
Faux twinkie cakes: Fold each piece of foil in half with the nonstick side out. Then fold in half again. Roll foil pieces around the spice bottle to form a tube. Fold down edges to seal, leaving one end of the tube open to be filled with the batter. Remove the spice bottle. Spray the insides with vegetable oil and set each tube open-end-up in a muffin tray.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

Beat cake mix, whipped egg whites, and water on medium speed until completely blended, about 2 minutes. Carefully fill the foil tubes, leaving 3/4-inch headspace. Bake about 30 minutes until golden and toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cakes cool, then remove foil. Use a toothpick to make 3 holes along the length of each cake. Wiggle the toothpick around the center to make room for the filling, taking care not to poke through to the other side.

Filling: Cream shortening and butter together in a medium bowl. With mixer running on medium speed, add powdered sugar and granulated sugar, a little at a time, until smooth. Add evaporated milk, vanilla, and lemon extract. Continue mixing until fluffy.

Spoon filling into a pastry bag with a No. 5 tip. Inject filling into each of the 3 holes in each faux twinkie cake and place hole-side-down on a serving platter or store in a covered container.

Yield: 12 faux twinkie cakes

I will report success or failure as soon as I come out of my sugar coma.

Riddle of the Ages!

As part of our comic books me and the boys would put together, we needed page fillers (like ads).  Here is one of my favorites:  William's Riddle of the Ages!

Going to see the Star Trek Movie

Star Trek movie week reaches its conclusion tonight as me and the wife hit the AMC Promenade here in Woodland Hills to see the brand new Star Trek movie. We've decided to make a somewhat date night but we miscalculated youth sports and may not be able to.

In typical Uncool fashion, I have also tracked down a coupon so that we can get a free Coke with our popcorn.

It's been a fun week in anticipation, much like how NFL football works. It's not always just the game that is fun, but the talking about it and looking forward to it. I'm lucky Ms. Uncool Hollywood likes Star Trek as well so we will certainly enjoy the flick. Babysitting and kid watching is taken care of, ready to hit the road.

Thank you for being patient with my whole Star Trek week thing. We return to strictly Uncool Hollywood stuff beginning tomorrow.