Uncool Hollywood Report - 1/8/10

Hollywood Handbook - "The Prince" by Machiavelli

I was talking with a Hollywood honcho friend of mine who suggested I read Machiavelli's "The Prince". Since I am most keenly interested in taking over Hollywood, I decided I'd keep my eye out for the book. Being exceedingly cheap, I decided not to buy the book from the bookstore (taking over Hollywood would have to wait for a sale) but lucked upon it at a local yard sale where I picked it up for a mere 20 cents. Apparently, it didn't help the person who was selling it.

After carefully reading the book, be warned, I now have the knowledge to take over Hollywood. Here's what I learned:

1. It's useful to build a fortress or castle but only if you have the love of the people.

2. I should live in my capitol city if I wish to attain the love of the people.

3. If I attack another city, make sure it doesn't have the protection of the church.

I realized I was approaching this all the wrong way. I was under the impression that I'd need to sell a script or get some kind of lucky break, but Machiavelli has convinced my otherwise. Applying what I learned, I've devised a three-pronged strategy for taking over Hollywood:

Strategy #1 - Raise an army through false promises, threats, and bribery. Deploy them in a line stretching from Santa Monica Blvd, up La Brea, ending at the base of the Hollywood sign. Since Hollywood is under the protection of no church, I should be safe.

Strategy #2 - It is better to be feared than loved, so I will be mean to everyone and demand tribute even when it isn't due. But by actually living in the Capitol Records building, I will share in their grief and attain their love.

Strategy #3 - I will build a fort on Sunset near Doheny (escape route through Beverly Hills).

Twenty cents down the drain...

Hollywood Gigs - Shopping with Coins!

Times are lean these days in the 'wood. If you don't have a regular gig to see you through the tough times, it's getting harder and harder to live the Hollywood dream. I'm lucky that I have a regular gig right now but there's always pros and cons to the regular gig.

The problem with the regular gig is it's not quite enough. Don't get me wrong, it's great and I'm blessed and very lucky and thankful to have my regular gig, but the economy is such that my regular gig gets me about 80% there. Which brings me to one of my favorite topics: shopping with coins!

Sometimes it gets to the point right before pay-day that you need that one more gallon-o-milk to feed masses (usually on a Thursday). Remember, I have four boys (two man-child's, one big boy, one bottomless toddler), two nephews, nine neighbors, and some dude I've never seen before rolling through here consuming food and destroying property. That's when I break out the coins.

That's right, I've gone to the grocery store with a cup full of coins, head held high, to pick-up that loaf of bread, peanut butter and/or spaghetti sauce to make until Friday. The big decision arrives when its time to pay. You have three choices:

a) Go through the regular line and stand their uncomfortably while the cashier counts $40 worth of nickles.

b) Go through the self-serve line and feed $40 worth of nickles into the coin slot.

c) Drop your coins into the coin counter machine, lose a $3 fee and only buy $37 worth of groceries.

Pride usually prevents option A. The grocery store workers her in SoCal are a miserable lot. If its not too crowded, I go with B. Usually, I chicken-out and go with C.

Hollywood Football Shuffle

So I was asked, do you have time to meet me for quick bite to eat to discuss the script and I'm like, "Time?"

I'm in that exact time-frame where all of my kids are playing sports and none of the seem to have anything at the same time or same place. Currently, I have four Rhodes boys in organized football plus a toddler. Son #2 has football at least four times per week and usually five. Son #1 has flag football twice a week and Son #3 and Nephew also pull down twice a week.

Wednesday is the trickiest day:

1. Jeff takes son #1 to practice at Park Alpha. Leaves house at 3:55p for a 4:15p drop off. Return to house.

2. Pick-up son #2, son #3, nephew, toddler and wife at home. Return to Park Alpha, pick-up son #1 at 5:20p.

3. Drive to Park Beta, drop off son #2 at 5:40p.

4. Drive to Park Gamma, drop off son #3, nephew and wife by 6:00p.

5. Drive home to drop off son #1 and toddler.

6. Rest for 20 minutes and leave by 6:40p.

7. Drive to Park Gamma, pick-up son #3, nephew and wife at 7:00p. Return home by 7:20p.

8. Leave by 7:30p to pick-up son #2 at Park Beta at 8:00pm.

9. Return home by 8:30p and eat dinner.

You Know You Live in Hollywood when...

Jeff wonders (above) "Why is there green screen in my house?
Who was mysteriously chroma-keying when I wasn't looking?"

I made couple of mental notes recently about stuff that would probably only happen around here. I finally realized, this is definitely a unique town to be raising kids.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You find a bunch of green screen material in your house and you don't know where it came from.

You know you live in Hollywood when... One of the football dad's is on a show. A real show.

You know you live in Hollywood when... You see that Verizon guy up the street from your house.

You know you live in Hollywood when... Your kids tell you they really want to direct.

You know you live in Hollywood when... The neighbor kids are in IMDB and you're not!

You know you live in Hollywood when... Erik Estrada is shooting a pilot next door. And you don't care.

You know you live in Hollywood when... They announce at the youth football game, 'An Agoura welcome to Sylvester Stallone' and you don't bother to look around to see if its true.

You know you live in Hollywood when... There are at least seven HD cameras rolling during the school assembly (including a jib).

You know you live in Hollywood when... At least four times, someone hands us a card saying, "Your kids should screen test."

You know you live in Hollywood when... Gone are the snow days, hello to the fire days.