Bottom Drawer

Every writer has a 'bottom drawer' where they keep all the crud they've written. Either fortunately or unfortunately I have an entire shelf. In fact, not everything is printed out so a lot of it is still in the computer (probably should print some of that out). My bottom drawer is getting quite big.

It's good because if I ever develop a good level of juice in this town, I'll be 'prolific' for quite a bit because I'll at least have a ton of ideas thought through. It is said that a good writer has gotten a lot of the 'bad' writing out of their system by writing, writing, writing. Man, I hope so, because I've got a ton of stuff here.

A quick look back through...

The Pickle Man - My first feature script about a guy haunted by a strange ghost (the nefarious Dr. Pinnochole).

I used to write a draw comics quite a bit, most of it when I was a kid 'Blue Blazer' and some to this day 'The Busboy'. I also a write and draw an occasional comic strip for the kids entitled 'Bean Heads'.

Mall Santa - My script I wrote about a Santa Claus booth at a mall that I was shopping around until an agent said, 'You know, they're already making a movie called BAD SANTA'. That was the end of that.

I also wrote a series of short stories called 'Santa Claus: An Abridged History' about how the early life of Santa, space aliens, Kings and tax collectors, and Santa's unheralded role during WWII.

I have script called 'Lucky' and one called 'Millionaires Club' which I did in partnership with another feller.

I have TV show treatment ideas, TV show scripts (New York Undercover [remember that?], Star Trek Voyager & Star Trek Deep Space Nine [they used to accept scripts from regular folks])

The repository is endless. Hopefully, there is a gem or two in there when the need arises!

The Firepit of Nothingness

No, I've not decided to write poetry but to comment on my useless backyard... thing.

Being from back east, it is an entirely new concept to have a firepit. This is a place where you sit around a fire. Even though this place I live in is a desert. A fire.

Anyway, maybe we can roast wieners or marshmallows or chestnuts except this firepit does not work. It's not hooked up to the gas line or the valve is broken or something that makes it not work. So in a very limited backyard, with little space and hardly enough room to move I have this big concrete blob that does... nothing. Come visit my firepit of nothingness and write your own poetry.

The Worst Grill Ever

I hate to complain but as a manly man who like to cook meat, my grill is the pits. When I moved to California, I chose to leave my old flat top Aussie grill behind and gave it to my brother. You could control the temperature in different zones, it heated up fast, it had a lot of surface area, it was great.

When I first moved out to Southern California, I lived in a condo so I bought a cheapie table-top gas grill and made do for a few years. When I moved into a house, it was time to once again enter the man club. Ouch.

This grill stinks. It has two temperatures: Fire and off. It does not drain grease. It burns everything to a cinder within seconds. It's like watching Dante's Inferno in the flesh as the grill follows the meat around, burning it where ever it lands. The only workaround is to put all burners on the lowest setting and wait three hours for the burger to stop being red. I'm not sure if it is the heat of the sun or the heat from the grill that is cooking these things.

But now I'm committed and I'm too cheap to get a new grill just yet. But boy, am I pricing them out...

My Records - Van Halen "1984"

Took a spin through the old record collection and pulled out Van Halen's "1984". This in a lot of ways was the height of the old school record ways. Four songs on one side. Four songs on the other side. Lots of fancy pictures in parachute pants. A cool 'bad boy-ish' painting on the front. Done, done and done. Today, it seems like a 'CD' has to have at least a dozen tracks on it before it could be considered a full album. You know Van Halen probably recorded twenty five songs and whittled it down to the best eight. No filler, no crud. Eight good tunes, out to the record store.

Van Halen is always good for the white man overbite. I probably should have gone at least 3 1/2 white man overbites but this is the album that Van Halen went synth so all us old schoolers still have to give a ritualistic swap for the slight. Even though it's great. It's got that rock/synth classic 'Jump', my personal favorite 'Panama' and everybodies' favorite 'Hot For Teacher'

Three white man overbites on the WMO jam scale.

Uncool Hollywood Report - 2

Exclusive! J-Rho Has Water in Ear

In an ongoing bid to keep you intimately informed about the minutae that is Jeffrey Rhodes, I feel it is important to let you know that I have water in my left ear.

I don't particularly like swimming but I got a burr up my butt and went swimming two days in a row. Now I have water in my ear and I can't hear anything (which isn't necessarily bad with a house full of kids and cars that make funny noises I am choosing to ignore).

With a concoction of drops and alcohols, I now look like a seven year old with an ear ache as I run around the house with cotton in my ear.

More information as it becomes available...

Planet of the Apes Stuff

Growing up in the 70's, Planet of the Apes is in my cultural wheelhouse and I love those movies. There was something so creepy about APES! taking over the world and being the highest on the food chain. This was the first movie for me where 'nuclear war destroys everything and society is rebuilt in some strange way' kind of movie and it was very scary for the young lad from B-more.

I caught a bargain on the APES! DVD set and bought all of them for my kids. They are particularly annoyed when I do my Charlton Heston imitation, "Congratulations, Tiger, you made it. You're the last man alive..." and of course, "You maniacs!" These have brought many hours of joy but they do get cheesier and cheesier as the set progresses. I'm still not convinced how the APES! eventually took over, a little weak.

When I was a kid, I'll never forget that little baby ape looking out of its cage going 'Mama... Mama', and me thinking, "Kill it! Kill it now so the apes won't take over!" I was woefully ignorant of the drama I would be denying the world if they had actually killed the baby talking ape.

I even found the original book by Pierre Boulle. A bit different with a nice twist ending. A different twist ending than the movie but a nice twist none-the-less.

As a grown-up, I'm still trying to figure out how the Statue of Liberty got all the way down to Zuma Beach in Malibu but that is a different post I suppose.

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 6 "The Twinkie Tree"

Every small boy's dream come true. The legendary Twinkie Tree. If only life were so easy...

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 5 - Patriotic Twinkie Pie
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 4 - More Recipes
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 3 - Twinkie Art
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2 - Recipes & Cookbook
Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1 - How to Make from Scratch
Twinkies: The Fingers of the Gods

RIP: Jeff's Rock Band Guitar

Note: Before reading this post, please press 'play' on the video below. Light a candle.

With the passing of so many famous celebrities recently, I'm concerned that one passing will go unnoticed. My Rock Band Fender Stratocaster guitar broke irreparably over the weekend. It was two years old.

My guitar appeared innocently enough underneath the Christmas tree in late 2007 and it's been a dream ever since. The kids were forbidden from ever plucking its imaginary strings and it quickly became an extension of my very own body. It wasn't long before that guitar KNEW which note had to be played and we formed a rockin' partnership.

Our most memorable session had to be in August of '08 when I pulled a rockin' allnighter to try and get through Metallica's "Enter Sandman". The guitar wouldn't let me quit. I conquered. The night she finally failed, we were working through Deep Purple's 'Highway Star' and she just couldn't make it through the solo. The constant rockin' destroyed the plucking bar. She was gone.

Through parties, through earthquakes, my guitar survived, thrived, and provided hours of rockin' enjoyment. Adieu, my friend. Adieu.

(Now to start pricing out the replacement!)

Pre-Teen Boys Bathroom

When I was a kid, I never had the luxury of my own bathroom so I cannot honestly say I would have been any different. But the facts are facts. My four boys have the most ridiculous bathroom in the history of bathrooms. I've cleaned it. My wife has cleaned it a lot more. I have supervised the boys cleaning their bathroom. My wife has supervised even more than me. We've helped them clean it and we've cleaned it ourselves but that room just will not stay non-disgusting. These are the core problems:

1. Their aim is horrible. I know, I know, every woman who has ever lived with a man says the same thing but there is something incredibly wrong with their aim. When I was a kid, I learned pretty quickly to listen for that tell-tale sound that told you that your aim was true. They can't be hearing that sound. Maybe they are so used to the sound of liquid on tile flooring that they assume they are hitting the water. They keep the light on in the bathroom all night (they claim it is not a nightlight) so I know it has nothing to do with darkness. Think 'bathroom on the turnpike' and multiply it by 14.

(Above) Empty towel racks about the infamous 'Flush Me'
sign that is never, ever heeded.

2. They refuse to hang-up towels. My biggest pet peave. They go out of their way to NOT hang-up towels. I counted today. There are 27 different acceptable places to hang-up towels in that small bathroom. 27. If my english major math doesn't fail me, that is 9 places per user. I've asked nicely. I've threatened. I've cajoled. I've joked. I've screamed bloody murder. I've punished. I've demonstrated. I've offered rewards. I've converted every reachable free space into a hook. Help.


3. They are stinky kids. Kids are like wild animals. They clean themselves just enough to not be hunted by other animals but keep themselves dirty enough to keep the flies and ticks off of themselves. I suppose it is their nature.

Eventually, I will stumble upon a technique that will work to my satisfaction. Until that day...

You Know You're in Hollywood... the kids edition

You know you live and work in Hollywood when you start yelling at your kids about things your Dad never would have considered yellable offenses:

"Son, get your script straight before you bother me with being in your short film."

"Son, get your dirty stinking paws off of my green screen."

"Son, I thought I told you to use a tripod. What are you? An animal?"

"Son, I don't have time to import your footage into the computer. Do your own assistant editing."

"Son, do I look I have time to do a second take?"

"Son, if you don't like my performance, why don't you try to track down ANOTHER 45 year old man to do this stinking part for free... at this hour."

"Son, I think I can do that line better, give me one more take."

Finally...
"Son, if you are able to pull that budget together, I'm available for work."

Ventura Blvd. - Home to... Everything

Ventura Blvd. is the main thoroughfare that shoots through the south end of the San Fernando Valley. It is somewhat famous in a sense in that it has been the backdrop for tons of movies and as one of the homes to the custom car culture. To me, it has an even more unique distinction.

(above) The chinese FOOT massage joint.

The one thing I think is really cool about Manhattan is that you are never far away from anything you could possibly want. From where ever you are in Manhattan you are a five minute walk from anything you may possibly want (chocolate eclair, paper clips, hot dog, antique chair). Ventura Blvd. is much the same way. All you have to do is drive and up and down this magnificent street and you are bound to find what you may seek.

(above) the "Carnival"

Any and every possible business is represented somewhere on Ventura Blvd. Everything from electronics to sports to food is on this street. I once needed a new inner tube for my bike and googled three bike stores within a five minute car ride of my house... all on Ventura Blvd.

(above) One of the two local bowling alleys. This one
has a very fancy restaurant and is expensive.

With that in mind, I took a little bike ride up Ventura Blvd recently to get a feel for some of the businesses nearby. I've already talked about the overabundance of weed shops and nail salons. Add to that, a bowling alley, a diner, a place where all the illegal alien dudes wait for work, a chinese foot massage place (not chinese massage, chinese FOOT massage), three skateboard shops, restaurants (Mexican, Italian, Thai, Indian, Morroccan, & Jack in the Box-ian), a beer making store, a store with beer, a cheese making shop, a wig shop, a carnival (yes, a carnival) and a website (yes, a website).

(above) the local "web site"

Woodland Hills - Glaucoma Capital of the World?

(above) Two of the five weed shops near my house.

I recently took a tour of my nearby neighborhood on the ol' street cruiser bicycle. One of my goals was to scope out the local businesses for prospects for my sons for when they get old enough to try and land that first part-time job. When I was in high school, I was a happy and hardworking busboy at Velleggia's Restaurant in Little Italy and it sure paid for after school fun.

However, I was completely distressed to learn that a two minute bicycle ride from my house had me driving past not one... not two... not three... not four... but five weed shops! I never quite understood the whole medical marijuana thing and the legalities of what goes on in those places. While I certainly don't begrudge anyone their lifestyle and choices, it kind of brings a chuckle (especially if you ride by those places two or three times) when they have very medical looking signs, some in neon, with newspaper covering the glass and parking in the back.

While Ventura Blvd has about every possible store in every possible category, it just seemed odd that there were so many all in one little section. Woodland Hills indeed must be the glaucoma capital of the world.

(above) One of the six nail salons near my house.

As far as my kids and their part-time jobs go, I guess they'll have to try one of the not one... not two... not three... not four... not five... but six finger nail salons within three minutes of the house. Sheesh.

Child Slave Labor - Car Washing

This little worker (above) is absolutely useless
when it comes hard work. (Below) The rest of them are
little better in terms of quality slave labor.

In Southern California, it hardly ever rains so if you want your car to look any kind of nice you have to wash it a lot. Most people feel a need to take it to one of the nine hundred car washes within three miles of my house, but I just employ a father's best friend: child labor. With four young, strapping men running around this house, stinking the place up, you would think I could just do what my dad did and make them do all the chores I detest.

Child labor is of course a two-edge sword...

Positive: it is free. Negative: they complain the whole time. Positive: They show up on time. Negative: They are slow as molasses. Positive: quality time with their father. Negative: I end up redoing the work anyway. Positive: They get wet. Negative: I get wet.

I just feel like if I'm going to provide food and shelter, they should kick in with some quality, non-complaining labor.

Quotes of the Infamous - O.J. Simpson

Going through my old stack of 'Success Joggers' and I found something interesting. 'Success Joggers' are business card sized papers with different quotes on them. The thought is that everyday, you go to the next card and get a nugget of wisdom to get your day started.

My wife got a stack of these from her old job at MCI and I go through them from time-to-time.

Found one from O.J. Simpson, obviously pre-1994 and very interesting...

Stuff I Keep

I keep so much stuff. In these green, lean, Ikea-saturated times, it is probably best to keep things cleaned-out and recycled. When keeping old papers, there is problems with musty odors and mold spores, not to mention dust mites.

My Mom called me messy. My friends called me a pack rat. My doctor calls it 'unhealthy hording'. For whatever reason, I keep the oddest things:


I keep most of my old movie ticket stubs (above). Whether or not I like the movie or not, I stick the stub in a drawer and forget about it. I found my old stub from the original 'MATRIX' the other day.


I have all of my old ID's. Everything from my high school ID to long expired membership cards to health clubs and movie clubs. I even have my student ID from the Baltimore Orioles. Yikes.



In the "there is absolutely no reason to keep this department", as if the other things had a reason, I still have all of the codes to my old school combination locks. When you bought the lock, the combination was looped through the metal latch on a piece of paper. I put it in a safe place and still have them all.



Last but certainly not least is my collection of old hotel key cards. I can't ever bear to give them back at hotel checkout time, claim to have 'left it in the room' then bring it home and add it to the pile.

Mad Magazine Monday - More Movies

I was leafing through the stack of Mad Magazines and I noticed some more movie covers. These were all movies I first saw when I was much younger and didn't realize I have Mad covers for...

Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid... Bonnie & Clyde... Easy Rider... and Rosemary's Baby


I love my Mad Magazines

Presidential Election 2012 - Hollywood Conundrum

Living and working in the most non-conservative most intolerant city in the world makes it difficult to talk politics. You either go with the flow, say what you think everybody else thinks, be silent or you don't work. The blacklist is alive and well. So how does the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood talk presidential politics? By making my official endorsement for the next presidential election early and fast. My choice:

Nixon/Agnew...

Oh sure, they're dead, but there are tremendous upsides. First, Richard Nixon is from California so I've got the homer crowd covered. Agnew is from Baltimore County, so I've got my home state covered ('You've gone Hollywood, haven't you?'). He's Republican so I've got that covered, but he was really one of the most liberal presidents in a lot of ways so I've got that covered. He's dead, so I've got the "but what about the damage he could do" crowd covered. He's experienced and he's already pardoned, so I've got all the legal stuff covered.

Tricky Dick and Spiro T. for a REAL change!

Riddle of the Ages!

As part of our comic books me and the boys would put together, we needed page fillers (like ads).  Here is one of my favorites:  William's Riddle of the Ages!

Going to see the Star Trek Movie

Star Trek movie week reaches its conclusion tonight as me and the wife hit the AMC Promenade here in Woodland Hills to see the brand new Star Trek movie. We've decided to make a somewhat date night but we miscalculated youth sports and may not be able to.

In typical Uncool fashion, I have also tracked down a coupon so that we can get a free Coke with our popcorn.

It's been a fun week in anticipation, much like how NFL football works. It's not always just the game that is fun, but the talking about it and looking forward to it. I'm lucky Ms. Uncool Hollywood likes Star Trek as well so we will certainly enjoy the flick. Babysitting and kid watching is taken care of, ready to hit the road.

Thank you for being patient with my whole Star Trek week thing. We return to strictly Uncool Hollywood stuff beginning tomorrow.