The Best Six Months are HERE!!

Woo-hoo! Are you ready for some football?? Yeah, buddy. Either you understand it or you don't. I'm not going to try and convince you that you should or shouldn't like football, I'm just saying it can be a passion for us goobers.

Your Baltimore Ravens are now all in camp and training for this years exciting run to the Super Bowl and your favorite Uncoolest dude in Hollywood is watching avidly from afar. This is the one time of year I really miss living back in my Westminster, MD home. I lived walking distance to the Ravens practice field and would go up there quite a bit. Oh, well.

But a new season is upon us and pretty soon I'll have to remind the wife of the 'Sunday Rules':

1. Jeff gets to watch the Ravens each Sunday. This can be live, this can be TiVo, but it will be watched. (oh, those Sunday's in church when you know the game is happening right that minute...)

2. Jeff requires two hours after any Ravens loss to be grouchy without strings attached.

3. Stay out of the living room during games unless you are with the program.

IN EXCHANGE, Jeff agrees...

a) Once the game is over, I may watch other football at the leisure and pleasure of the wife (she would prefer I spent the rest of the Sunday with the family. "Don't YOU want to spend the day with the family?").

b) No throwing of anything (glasses, bottles, tantrums)

c) Go to church (one playoff exemption)

d) Pre-seaon does not count in the standings, pre-season doesn't count for this.

This day is glorious!

The Firepit of Nothingness

No, I've not decided to write poetry but to comment on my useless backyard... thing.

Being from back east, it is an entirely new concept to have a firepit. This is a place where you sit around a fire. Even though this place I live in is a desert. A fire.

Anyway, maybe we can roast wieners or marshmallows or chestnuts except this firepit does not work. It's not hooked up to the gas line or the valve is broken or something that makes it not work. So in a very limited backyard, with little space and hardly enough room to move I have this big concrete blob that does... nothing. Come visit my firepit of nothingness and write your own poetry.

My Records - Honeydrippers "Volume One"

Dove into the old record collection and pulled out HONEYDRIPPERS "Volume One". This is one of those records that at the time you felt like it was probably cool to buy but didn't really dig it. It was kind of a novelty album and one of the few EP's I ever bought.

Note to the kids: A full blown 'album' or 'record' was also known as an LP (long play). An 'EP' (extended play) meant that it only had a couple of songs on it. Back in the day, you'd get an EP and it would have three or four versions of the same song on it.

This particular EP had five songs: I Get a Thrill, Sea of Love (the big hit off this EP), I Got a Woman, Young Boy Blues, Rockin' at Midnight

The Honeydrippers were even famous because it was half of Led Zeppelin (Robert Plant, Jimmy Page) along with other pretty heavy weight musicians (Jeff Beck notably). The music was all old 50's rock n' roll and was one of the first projects where 'modern' rock n' rollers revisted that old stuff. Again, it was one of those albums you felt like you had to buy though it wasn't all that.

I'm going with zero white man overbites on the WMO jam scale mainly because I'm still bitter that my Rock Band guitar died this week and I'm just not in a rockin' mood.

Time Travel 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 6 "Orlando Magic Champs?"

What happens when Professor Jeffrey Rhodes and his young assistant/favorite nephew Jordan journey back to 1,000,000 BC and once again tinker with fate. What has their meddling wrought this time?

Check out the other 1,000,000 BC adventures HERE

Farrah Fawcett 1947-2009

When I was a kid, she was Farrah Fawcett-Majors, the wife of Lee Majors, aka 'The Six Million Dollar Man'. My brother and I both had copies of this poster, but I was too embarrassed to post mine up, opting instead to cover my walls with Star Trek posters (Uncool starts early).

Oh, well... Every generation had a pin-up girl for when the the boys first realize they like girls. For us 70's punks, it was Farrah Fawcett-Majors!

Stuff I Keep - Pt. 2 - Goofy Plastic Caps

As I've stated many times before, if I'm alone these many years hence when I pass from this planet, the executors of my estate are going to find so much illogical crud in my house. My latest obsession: these plastic caps on the end of shipping tubes. I've been working on a project where I've gotten a lot of poster sized paper sent to me, so it has been sent to me in those cool shipping tubes. Being a super-goober of Uncool proportions, I just can't throw away the shipping tubes and plastic caps, I MUST KEEP THEM!

I am proud to say, that the shipping tubes themselves have been re-purposed nicely. A goodly portion of them became toy bazooka guns for the kids (used, abused, thrown away). I also used a bunch of them to organize the kids' hockey sticks (see below). I was pretty proud of that one.

However, that leaves these goofy plastic caps. What to do with them? Game pieces for some future board game me and the boys will invent one Saturday night? Perhaps they can be the buttons or knobs of some robot costume this Halloween? Or the baubles of some necklace my youngest will make for his mothers' Christmas present?

I'm not sure either. I just know I have a hard time throwing away something that is perfectly good that can be used for something perfectly logical if I can only figure out what that may be.

So I hope that whomever goes through my final belongings and stumbles across a bag of plastic caps will find a good home for these highly useful... things.

Mad Magazine Monday - Subscription

One of the reasons I'm inordinately attached to my old Mad Magazines is because it was one of my first purchases using my own money. The more I thought about, the more I realized that a magazine subscription is one more thing showing my Uncool Hollywood age problem.

Modern tykes just don't think about or get the magnitude of a subscription. Today's kiddies have desire to see something, they go onto the internet. They want stats on a athlete, internet. Picture of rock star, internet. Preview of next month's Wolverine, internet. The internet killed baseball cards, stamp collecting, and newspapers.

When I was a youngster, you wanted information, you had to buy it at a news stand. Hobby magazines, sports magazines, business magazines, everything came from a magazine. When you are a kid, comic books were the only thing beyond cartoons. And of course, my beloved Mad Magazines.

It just so happened that my love of Mad Magazines coincided with my getting one of my first jobs as a paperboy (yikes, talk about aging yourself). Bottom line, I had dough in my pocket. Disposable, kid-income. My first purchase, a subscription to Mad Magazine. I no longer had to run up to the Woolworths (yikes, I'm aging myself again) or the Read's Drugstore (aging myself) in my dad's new Model-A Ford (just kidding) to see if a new Mad Magazine was ripe for purchase. I simply plucked down my $9.00 for 15 issues, mailed the cash (I don't remember doing it, but it had to have been cash), begged my mom for a stamp and an envelope and mailed it away to 485 MADison Avenue, New York, NY 10022.

Magically, ten weeks later, my first Mad Magazine showed up. They were protected by this plain brown paper (much like a grocery bag - aging myself) and were stickered shut. The coolest thing is seeing your name on the mailing label: Jeff Rhodes, 8926 Parlo Road, Balto MD 21236.

Wow. I'm a man.

TV Show - Through Line

What I've Decided Already:

Show Title: BEEFERS
Show Log line: All in one day, a young Philly kid fails out of school, gets disowned by family, dumped by his fiance, and runs a gambling debt beyond hope. Solution: Con your way into a job at the cruddiest steakhouse in all of Dallas and wait for the coast to clear.

Through Line - The through line is a longer explanation of what the story is about, the universe of show, story arcs and themes. This is you explanation of the show if someone were to sit you down and ask for some more details.

I'm trying to set up the story so that the main character is a fish out of water in a place he doesn't necessarily want to be but he has to stay. All that stuff in the log line about getting dumped and failing out do not have to be shown (and in fact will probably come out of the log line in the next draft) but I am trying to set-up the desperate nature of his plight. I like it when conflict comes about that forces a character through circumstance or changes to face something they would normally walk away from. They way to do that and make it somewhat funny (I believe) is to take this main guy and screw him into a set-up that he isn't comfortable with but must deal with anyway.

For the purpose of this posting, I am going to name the character Johnny Doe...

Johnny gets the job as the junior assistant manager at the Beefers Steakhouse in suburban Dallas by lying through his teeth about his restaurant qualifications. Not that the job required much in terms of restaurant qualifications, it seemed the hiring manager was more concerned about whether or not Johnny could "work Thursday night". Beefers is a small chain steak restaurant with about a dozen locations throughout Texas boasting an obvious western theme. The franchise nature of the restaurant means that most of the thought process has gone out of this business and its location makes it a nearly indestructable moneymaker despite the incompetence of everyone involved. It's one of those restaurants where you have a tray, you order your beef, load up on salad, grab pudding cup, and wait for your steak to be cooked.

Johnny's job is to run the later shifts when most of the older managers have gone home. That means he's in charge of the herd of waitresses, the doofus dishwasher, the conniving cook and the old franchise owner and his wife.

Johnny doesn't want to be there. His personal situation has forced him into a tight spot where he needs to work, he needs to lay low, so he needs to do what he can to keep the job. But it is out of no personal interest in the restaurant business, the frachise business, or any management aspirations that he is strapping on a horrible tie and going to work. His waitresses are a combination of old, old, old (been there forever), young, young, young, (want to be there less than Johnny), none of which listen to a word he says. His lead cook has tons of secrets of his own, the day cook is nearly psychotic, the weekend cook is an insane Gordon Ramsey wannabe. The cook is young, burned-out high school stoner with a maleable brain and questionable judgement.

The crux of the conflict is that Johnny has no desire to stay, but is trying to make it work anyway. His earnestness is only to ensure he keeps his job. He was in college, he had dreams, he wants a lot out of life. However, the longer he stays at Beefers, the more settled he gets, and the more he comes to somewhat enjoy his new gig.

Secondary conflicts are Johnny's northeastern roots. He isn't southern, he isn't Texan, and he certainly isn't down with the southern drawl. He's fast when everyone else is more deliberate. They give him crud and he doesn't even realize it.

Secondary conflict: The gamblers and the people from his past keep popping up to mess with his new life in Beefers.

Perhaps a relationship with one of the waitresses that starts out somewhat as a conquest and begins to develop into a relationship. This could be another tie to the restaurant that Johnny develops.

It's North vs. South, Cool vs. Uncool, Snotty vs. Grounded...

I'll have to think on this more tonight. Please email any suggestions.

TOMORROW: A first draft of the characters.

Ventura Blvd. - Home to... Everything

Ventura Blvd. is the main thoroughfare that shoots through the south end of the San Fernando Valley. It is somewhat famous in a sense in that it has been the backdrop for tons of movies and as one of the homes to the custom car culture. To me, it has an even more unique distinction.

(above) The chinese FOOT massage joint.

The one thing I think is really cool about Manhattan is that you are never far away from anything you could possibly want. From where ever you are in Manhattan you are a five minute walk from anything you may possibly want (chocolate eclair, paper clips, hot dog, antique chair). Ventura Blvd. is much the same way. All you have to do is drive and up and down this magnificent street and you are bound to find what you may seek.

(above) the "Carnival"

Any and every possible business is represented somewhere on Ventura Blvd. Everything from electronics to sports to food is on this street. I once needed a new inner tube for my bike and googled three bike stores within a five minute car ride of my house... all on Ventura Blvd.

(above) One of the two local bowling alleys. This one
has a very fancy restaurant and is expensive.

With that in mind, I took a little bike ride up Ventura Blvd recently to get a feel for some of the businesses nearby. I've already talked about the overabundance of weed shops and nail salons. Add to that, a bowling alley, a diner, a place where all the illegal alien dudes wait for work, a chinese foot massage place (not chinese massage, chinese FOOT massage), three skateboard shops, restaurants (Mexican, Italian, Thai, Indian, Morroccan, & Jack in the Box-ian), a beer making store, a store with beer, a cheese making shop, a wig shop, a carnival (yes, a carnival) and a website (yes, a website).

(above) the local "web site"

My Records - Robert Palmer "Riptide"

(Above) Robert Palmer "Riptide", three
white man overbites on the WMO jam scale.

Not sure if this album is considered any good critically, but it is definitely in the White Man Overbite hall of fame. Led by one of the most original and then imitated videos of all time, this album became a must-buy for us 80's goobers.

There were three singles off of this album that seemed to elicit the overbite more than most: 'Hyperactive', 'Addicted to Love', and 'I Didn't Mean to Turn You On'.

Like much of my record collection, he's dead.

Time Travel 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 1 "The Kid"

Welcome to episode #1 of Time Travel 1,000,000 BC. We at Rhodes Boys Productions (a division of Rhodes Media Group, LLC & Monsanto) have worked for many hours and a couple of minutes to bring you episode 1 entitled "The Kid".

BLAZER! Comic Book

Me and the boys have put together some comic books over the years. With digital photography and comic book programs on the MAC, it is pretty easy to do. Here's a couple of pages from Issue #1 of BLAZER!

My Records - Scandal featuring Patty Smyth "Warrior"

I bought this record sometime during college and paid full-price for it. I must have totally bought into the corporate line because I'm at a loss as to why I would have bought it. Remember, Jeff had a two-hit minimum before he would purchase a 'record' and this clearly has only one "The Warrior". Maybe it was the catchy hook or the tre chic music video that convinced me there would be more to it, but alas no.

A couple of things in retrospect:

1. This is the first album I can recall purchasing that had the 'featuring...' thing going on. Today, it's '...featuring Kanye West' this, '...featuring Lil Wayne' that, 'featuring this' is standard practice these days but this was one of the first I remember. It has the smell of "I'm Patty Smyth, I don't know who these people are who you stuck me with but the last thing I'm going to do is be part of some group called SCANDAL" etc., etc.

2. There is a really cool singer named Patti Smith who is a different person, even though Patty Smyth seems just fine as well.

3. On the back cover, there is a picture of the guitar dude, the bass dude, and the other guitar dude. There is no picture of the drummer dude. Did he miss the shoot date and they just kept it blank? Was he being punished? Was he ugly?

4. Also on the back cover, the words: 'Also on Cassette'. You don't see that written much anymore.

I jammed on "The Warrior", enough for two White Man overbites on the WM scale. I will never listen to this record again in my life.

Coolest Kids in Hollywood

I may be the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood, but the same can't be said for the ol' progeny. My youngest son snuck out of his room one night but was so tired he never made it back to his bed before falling asleep in the middle of the floor. Of course, when I first saw this sight I was a little frightened. After I saw he was breathing, I grabbed the camera. Sweet dreams, young man.

My Records - Yes "90125"

This is one of those albums I liked a little more than I probably should have. This is Yes' first pop album after being essentially one of the British progressive rock groups (ala King Crimson, ELP, etc.). I would have never bought this album if it was that. I am Uncool now and I was Uncool back then, so I bought this album 'for the hits!'

'Owner of a Lonely Heart' is probably the biggest hit off of this turntable classic and I of course found my head bobbing along as the record skipped and popped its way through the side.

It of course features a cover which back then was very hip and forward and now looks like something my oldest son would whip up on the computer for his homework. I always digged the fact that the album title came from the product code and not a Beverly Hills zip code.

I going with three white man overbites (WMO's) with my heart even though my head tells me it should be 2 or 2 1/2. What can I say? Invent your own ratings scale...

The Busboy #1

Issue #1 of Jeff's comic book 'The Busboy'. The Busboy along with his sidekick the Dishwasher, patrol the mean streets of Little Sicily fighting the evil Zan and his henchwoman the Merry Miss!

Something I did in high school to amuse myself and my friends. My friends, my brother and I worked at Velleggia's Restaurant in Little Italy, Baltimore when we were in high school. Many hijinx ensued. This comic book was a sort of an ode to our senior year adventures. Not so Uncool to have made it but probably Uncool that I pull it out and read it every once in a while!

Issue #2 was 90% complete, I sketched out an issue #3 and have a 12 issue arc completely written. One of these days, I'll find a comic book artist to help me finish!

Stay-cation Frozen Tundra

It must have been at least 50 degrees in that frozen backyard tent last night!

Accidental Actor - Fast Tmes at Ridgemont High

It's funny how Jeff ends up in all these classic movies. "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", shot when Jeff was in high school.

Despite my many attempts, I have still not gotten into IMDB for this or any of my many roles. The fight continues...

My Records - Missing Persons "Spring Session M"

This record was one of my first 'dangerous forays' into punk. Now, let's be clear. Missing Persons is anything but punk. They are some kind of new wave, eclectic something or other but had punk-ish hair and mullets and they wore eye shadow, and the lead singer Dale Bozzio had this quirky/punky singing style. I knew that even back then, but punk was just a little bit too much for my sensitive ears back in the day. So I went new wave.

It's very interesting how good music stands the test of time. For example, I wasn't all that interested in the Sex Pistols, or the Clash, or the Ramones, or any of those 'subversive' type of groups but the music is so listenable now its scary. The stuff really holds up. Unfortunately, all I have to show for it is Missing Persons.

As for the album, it actually had three tracks that had some legs: "Destination Unknown", "Walking in L.A." and "Words". Anyone of these songs is bound to rear its head on your local 'Jack' station, so they must of have charted to some level. Throwing it on the 'ol turntable, I have to admit that I started bobbing my Uncool head a little bit. Whatever deal they cut with devil must have worked because I was digging it.

They redeemed themselves enough to me to earn 1 1/2 white man overbites on the jam scale. If they were only on Rock Band, I could see my hips beginning to gyrate...

Staycation Saturday

We spent a hard day roughing it at the backyard stay-cation campsite. The weather has looked rough all day but so far held off from raining. We are confident the stay-cation will be able to proceed

Took a bike ride with the boys on the orange busline 'trail' and went pretty far. Considering all the other 'hikers' on the trail, we rode several miles before heading back to camp. Once there, we started prepping for dinner. The plan is to cook hotdogs on the fire pit.

We even got an unexpected visit to the campsite from Ma.