Coolest Kids in Hollywood

I may be the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood, but the same can't be said for the ol' progeny. My youngest son snuck out of his room one night but was so tired he never made it back to his bed before falling asleep in the middle of the floor. Of course, when I first saw this sight I was a little frightened. After I saw he was breathing, I grabbed the camera. Sweet dreams, young man.

Washing the Volvo Station Wagon

Tooling around in one of the Uncoolest cars in Hollywood isn't all bad. It is suprisingly roomy (especially hauling stuff), the air conditioning works, and the mileage is pretty good. There aren't any major dents, so it isn't the ugliest car either. It's just pretty Uncool.

That being said, Uncool is no excuse for dirty and I'm not the best at keeping it clean. You'd be surprised how dirty a car will get in a desert climate with little rain and lots of wind. They get cruddy fast. I suppose that's why there are so many car washes here in Southern California. It's not just vanity, they do get really dirty fast.

Yet, I am too cheap to go to car washes on a regular basis. I of course will treat myself every once in a while, but for the most part, if I want it clean, I pull out the hose and do it myself. As a kid, my Dad made me wash the cars and I hated doing it. I vowed as a kid to never make my own kids wash my cars. I do it anyway. I made my boys wash the cars. Fortunately for them, the discovered a way to squirt a car, use soap, rinse the car and it still looks exactly the same as when they started. Its like a magic trick they perform. It's amazing how little cleaning they do, even under supervision. To stop the whining and to keep my vow, I released the boys from car wash duty and I do it myself.

I have a car washing kit. The nice part about the car washing kit is the function that lets you stream soap through the hose. Cuts through that desert dirt quite nicely. With shams, buffers, and the like, the desert dirt has no chance.

The Homework Machine

I really like to play board games, particularly Monopoly. Unfortunately for me, when my boys were younger, it was just too complicated for them. But I still needed an opportunity to beat them to a pulp on a board game and the options were limited.

I didn't like Candyland, because that was all luck. The same with Shoots 'N Ladders. I wanted a simple enough game for the boys, but one where they had to make some kind of decision at some point and it not be all about the dice. I was stumped. So I decided to make my own.

Being a collector of many odd things, I have a habit of buying old board games at yardsales, so I had lots of miscellaneous pieces lying around. I had written a story for the boys called 'The Homework Machine' so I decided to make a game based on the story. In the story, three brothers build a machine to do their homework for them and it starts to run amok. With spies chasing them, they have to get the machine to the White House so it won't fall into enemy hands.

In the game, players have to move around the board collecting all the pieces to their machines. Once they are built, they have to get their piece to the White House.

I built little mock-ups and me and the boys practiced and played until we had the rules worked out. Once the design was settled, I tried to get an artist to help me design. I even offered to pay but I couldn't find anybody to do it (I've had many frustrating experiences with artists who talk about doing art but do very little actual art even when offered money). I ended up putting it together myself and it worked out okay.

The Rhodes family has had many hours of enjoyment playing the only copy of 'The Homework Machine', produced exclusively by the Rhodes Game Company, a division of Rhodes Media Group.

Accidental Actor - Full Metal Jacket

Jeff's uncredited appearance as "Private Doofus" in FULL METAL JACKET.

Still have not gotten my IMDB credit for anything and this is starting to get ridiculous,

My Records - Yes "90125"

This is one of those albums I liked a little more than I probably should have. This is Yes' first pop album after being essentially one of the British progressive rock groups (ala King Crimson, ELP, etc.). I would have never bought this album if it was that. I am Uncool now and I was Uncool back then, so I bought this album 'for the hits!'

'Owner of a Lonely Heart' is probably the biggest hit off of this turntable classic and I of course found my head bobbing along as the record skipped and popped its way through the side.

It of course features a cover which back then was very hip and forward and now looks like something my oldest son would whip up on the computer for his homework. I always digged the fact that the album title came from the product code and not a Beverly Hills zip code.

I going with three white man overbites (WMO's) with my heart even though my head tells me it should be 2 or 2 1/2. What can I say? Invent your own ratings scale...

Plane Painting

Here's a painting of a plane I did as a kid next to the plane I was painting. My first attempt at storyboarding...

Jeff's Cooking Tip #6 - Soup

Welcome back to my continuing series on how to cook. As you well may know, nobody in Hollywood cooks... anything. And many of my Hollywood friends have asked me many questions about cooking such as, "What is that funny thing that shoots fire out of the top?", "How do you get the water to be all bubbly like that?", or my favorite "I thought the kitchen was the place you kept your wine and cereal."

With this in mind, my next lesson involves one of my favorite foods: soup. Homemade soup is one of the yummiest things you could ever make for yourself and it is the dead-dog simplest thing to do.

I make a 'soup base' to which you can add tons-o-stuff to make the soup whatever you want. Watch...

1. Chop up your vegetables. A good soup has a base layer of veggies. The classic combo is onions, carrots and celery. If you are anything like me, you probably didn't care too much for these ingredients in your food but trust me. Chop them up...



2. Get a soup pot and place it on the "stove". Turn on the heat and let get hot. Add some oil and butter in the bottom of the pan and throw in the veggies (note: on this particular day, I used bacon grease to make a "Bacon" soup).





3. PUT SALT AND PEPPER ON THE VEGGIES!!!!! Cook for 4-5 minutes until the veggies are cooked down a bit.


4. Add beans and chicken broth (or chicken stock if you have it) to the pot, about 6 cups.


5. PUT SALT AND PEPPER IN THE LIQUID!!!!!!!

6. Bring to a boil, then turn down the heat and let simmer for 45 minutes to an hour.


Jeff's soup base is finished. You could eat it as is or...

a) Add chicken and noodles...

or b) Add some cream and broccoli...

or c) Add some tomatoes and beans...

or d) Add leftover meat from last nights dinner...

or e) Add rice and potatoes

You get the idea.

Jeff's Cooking Tips Archive:
1. Buy food and cook it.
2. Stand Mixer
3. Use Recipes
4. How to make Pancakes
5. Salt and Pepper... More than just a musical group
6. How to make Soup

The Busboy #1

Issue #1 of Jeff's comic book 'The Busboy'. The Busboy along with his sidekick the Dishwasher, patrol the mean streets of Little Sicily fighting the evil Zan and his henchwoman the Merry Miss!

Something I did in high school to amuse myself and my friends. My friends, my brother and I worked at Velleggia's Restaurant in Little Italy, Baltimore when we were in high school. Many hijinx ensued. This comic book was a sort of an ode to our senior year adventures. Not so Uncool to have made it but probably Uncool that I pull it out and read it every once in a while!

Issue #2 was 90% complete, I sketched out an issue #3 and have a 12 issue arc completely written. One of these days, I'll find a comic book artist to help me finish!

Volvo adventure - Oil Pumper Thingy

One sight you are bound to see here in the Hollywood metropolitan area is all of these oil wells. Being from Maryland, it is not something one is going to see very often - especially in the parking lot of a shopping center or next to the beach.

I was tooling around in my faithful Volvo station wagon, looking for some place to buy a diet soda when I spotted this particular well down near Long Beach in the parking lot of bank. I thought it was kind of unusual so here it is... An oil pumper thingy.

Book Review - "Stuff" by Jeffrey Rhodes

I was playing with my (then) new Mac computer a couple of years ago when I stumbled across a function within iPhoto that allows you to mock-up your pictures and create a book. Plus, for a low, low fee, you can actually order the book and they'll send it to your house. So I spent a week taking lots of pictures of some of the stuff I collect and I created a book. Since there is only one copy in existence, it is currently not available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble. But if ever make it to Woodland Hills, I'll be glad to let you take a look.

The book is divided into sections. The first part is a bunch of pictures of my Monopoly games, the second part is of course my Jack Purcell's. The third section are some pics of my camera collection, and the final part is pictures of my dvd's & books. It actually looks a little nicer than it sounds.

My review:

"I just read 'Stuff' by Jeffrey Rhodes and I must say I mightily impressed with his work. His use of nouns and verbs is exactly how its drawn up in the grammar text books. I'm also impressed by his generous use of pictures to minimize any writing that may have taken place. Highly recommended! (3 1/2 white man overbites on the jam scale)

Free Movies

One of the advantages of living in Los Angeles is the occasional free movie screening that you get invited to. It's great for us cheapo's because you get a first-run, yet to be release film for the price of the gas it takes to drive to the place. These films tend to be 'works in progress' so they are not always in the proper shape, but it is still a nice and cheap and Uncool way to take the wife to the movies without cracking the ol' walleto.

If we can only figure out how to slip out of there before filling out those survey forms, it would be perfection.

Volvo Adventure - Capitol Records

Me and the trusty Volvo station wagon down in Hollywood next to the Capitol Records building.

Mad Magazine Movie Covers

Some movie covers from my highly coveted but Uncool Mad Magazine collection.

Can you name the movies?

My Records - Rush "Moving Pictures"

(Above) Rush "Moving Pictures" earns a rare
four white man overbites on the jam scale.

Now we're talkin', baby! Say what you want about our Canadian brothers to the north, but when they put their mind to it, they know how to elicit the white man overbite (WMO). RUSH "Moving Pictures" has got to be on anyone's top ten WMO list. Just look at these three from side one: 'Tom Sawyer', 'YYZ' (a Guitar Hero classic already), and 'Limelight'. As I've revisited the old record collection, this was the first album that really had me wanting to "make a tape".

Make a tape (v) - What we would do in the old days if someone had a "record" we liked. We'd ask to borrow the "album" and "make a tape". It literally means to record the album onto a cassette tape, write all of the names of the songs on the blank tape cover, draw a cool drawing on the spine of the cassette, then play it real loud in our cars. A cheap way of not buying the album.

Speaking of buying the album, Jeff the cheapo strikes again. Looking at the sticker on the cover, I clearly bought this album used from a "record shop"

Record shop (n) - a store that sold new/used albums, blank tapes, and marijuana supplies.

Notice the GUARANTEED NOT TO SKIP hand-typed label and the $3.49 price. Nice...

I digress. Side two starts off with 'The Camera Eye', an eleven minute opus that is kind of cool in a 'drinking lots of beer in the dorm room' kind of way. But the real jams are on side one and jam they do, earning the highly coveted FOUR OVERBITES on the white man overbite jam scale. 4 WMO's are going to be hard to beat...

"Le Bougre" - 1st Annual Uncool Film Festival

Find more photos like this on Le Bougre

I made a little breakthrough and am now happily editing away on my short film directorial debut "Le Bougre". I'm aiming to have a premiere sometime in May and hope to plan and pull-off the Uncoolest film premiere in the history of Woodland Hills.

Since it is a short film, I was thinking I might make a sort of 1st Annual Uncool Film Festival and make it a partay (short film premieres are kind of boring unless you pair them up some how, and beer always helps).

So if you have any suggestions are submissions for other short, uncool, or whacky short films, please let me know. I can whip-up some letterhead and a quickie website and maybe (just maybe) somebody will pay the entry fee! Just be warned:

1. "Le Bougre" is going to win all of the major prizes.
2. The screening will take place at my palatial Woodland Hills estate.
3. I provide food, chips, cheeses, and pastries, beer and wine, you have to bring any liquors, etc.
4. I have kids, so keep the salty language low.
5. I have a pool, so swimming is allowed (unless I do the 'cool-guy' candle in the pool thing).
6. No playing in the treehouse.

More details coming soon!

Volvo Adventure - That Donut Place

Me and the 'ol Volvo station wagon were out and about when I passed that famous donut place you always see on TV with the giant donut on the roof. So ladies and gentlemen, that famous giant donut place!

Jeff's Cooking Tip #5 - Salt and Pepper

As everyone knows, people here in Hollywood do not know how to cook. Their idea of cooking is going through their binders full of take-out menus and making a few calls. However, since I am cheap and since I like to eat decent food if possible, I have taught myself some cooking tricks over the years. I have had people over to my house who have comments like, "Why is there fire coming out of the top of that thing in your kitchen?" or "I've always wondered what happened back in that room where the food comes out of" or "So french fries really aren't grown in that shape?". So as a continuing service to those who have wondered, here is this weeks cooking tip:

Use salt and pepper.

That's right, one of the easiest and best things you can do to make your food taste better is to use these simple condiments when cooking. For example, something as simple as chicken could be cooked in a pan with oil, salt and pepper and taste absolutely yummy. That same chicken cooked with no spices is horrid and bland.

Beef or chicken: Always throw some salt and pepper on both sides before grilling, stewing or frying.

Soups & Sauces: Most sauces taste putrid unless you put salt in it. Use salt.

Salads: Make your greens pop and delicious with a little S&P.

If you have a hear condition, eat bland food. If you want to make anything, and I mean anything, taste ten times better, use salt and pepper when you cook your food. You'll shocked, glad and amazed.

Dune Books

Begin geek alert...

I so try to fight the geek part of my nature but I just can't seem to ever win. Back in college, I needed a book to read while I went on a beach vacation. I hate swimming so I needed a book to read while I baked in misery in the sun. I picked up DUNE by Frank Herbert because I thought that running my toes through the sand and suffering in the heat while I read about a desert planet full of sand & heat would make the experience a little nicer.

I've been a Dune geek ever since. Like a lot of us Sci-Fi geeks, one of the things I like about Dune is the complete universe that has been created. I'm not going to go into detail on what that universe entails (if you know about it, there's no need for me to explain, if you don't know about it, I could never explain it quickly enough), but suffice it to say that the entire Dune universe is well thought out, constructed, rich with texture, full of memorable characters and very believable in its unbelievable way.

What makes it so cool (in my Uncool opinion) is that once the universe has been set-up, the characters and the action are as good and tight as you'd find anywhere in literature. Much like the Godfather movie, once you 'get' what's going on, then the story itself really leaps out at you and there's so much you can do.

There's six books in the original Frank Herbert series and his son has done some others, but the original six are still the best.

Geek alert over.

Stay-cation Frozen Tundra

It must have been at least 50 degrees in that frozen backyard tent last night!

Laundry Room

So I have this fabulous office in my garage. I love the privacy... I love the fact that it is off the beaten path so I can put all my 'man'/'geek' stuff in here... It's a nice place to create. Me and the wife decided it would be important to carve this little piece 'o heaven out of the corner next to the paint so I took great pains to design it well. Plenty of storage... nice flat surfaces to pin notes and sketches... nice desk... even an air conditioner to keep me cool during heat of the summer.

Here's where I went wrong. I designed the place in the heat of summer, so I took the pains to come up with an air conditioning solution that was economical and efficient and cheap. The problem's began when the summer ended and the California winter kicked-in. Now the California winter is nothing like the east coast stuff I was used to, but quite frankly it was cold enough. How to keep warm until the sun started baking the roof of the garage? Answer: the dryer.

So out of necessity and efficiency, I have become the king of laundry. Where as before, I would certainly do my share of the laundry if need be, I now am a vigorous launderer. As long as that dryer is running, my toes stay toasty. And being cheap, I am not going to simply run the dryer with nothing in it. Separate: whites... darks... colors... use the detergent concentrate to save dough! Keep the dryer vent clear to be more efficient! Dryer sheets? What do those things do?

With four messy boys, the laundry is never ending pile of constant smell and grease, but due to my cold toes, they are never for want of a clean change.

I just hope I don't go back to my old ways once the garage starts to heat up again!

Stay-Cation Tuesday Update - Ghost Stories

(Above) A purported picture of the Fox 45 ghost taken
in the basement promotion office of the TV station in 1993.
The ghost is said to be the spirit of one of the victims
of an 1872 fire that occurred on the site of the station.

Spring break continues and so does our backyard camping trip extravaganza Stay-cation. We slept out once again in the frigid Southern California springtime. The temperatures dipped well into the upper 50's overnight as we huddled together in our back patio tent telling ghost stories.

I regaled the boys with my tale of the Fox 45 Ghost. That's right, when I was a young man, I used to work at a haunted TV station. For years I heard stories about the slamming doors and the rattling chains and the mysterious people wandering the hallways. But I always chalked those stories up to the alcohol and lack of sleep. It was not until I came face-to-face with the Fox 45 Spectre that I did truly believe, for my own eyes and ears would not be deceived.

It began innocently enough. I was working the swing shift in my promotion producer gig, 2p - 10pm. This meant I spent the last 4 hours of my workday either editing in edit bay or writing at my desk down in my basement office with only a few other people left in the building. Being surrounded by lots of TV's and humming equipment meant there was little reason to get creeped out, there was simply too much noise. But that was soon to change.

I had just returned from dinner. My usual meal consisted of two slices of the greasiest pizza on the planet from a joint up the street. The pie tasted delicious, but it was not unusual for the grease and cheese and spices to cause my innards to begin grumbling. So it was nearly 7pm when I retired to the basement bathroom to try and ease my pizza miscomforts. I was using my time on the seat wisely and was putting new cover sheets on the TPS reports when I heard a noise just outside of door. Noise? Who would be making a noise, there's no one else in the building?

Well, almost no one. You see, I worked with a couple of technicians who's work took place on the other side of the building. I had long suspected that these technicians were sneaking down to my promotion office after hours and stealing the logo coffee mugs. In fact, it was one of those technicians who had taken a bite out of an eclair I had accidentally left in the refrigerator one night. Revenge would be mine. I would catch them in the act of stealing from the promotion office!

I quietly and carefully wiped, pulled up my pants, put my ear to the door and listened. The thief was right outside of the door, rooting through the box of mugs. Excellent. I waited until the footsteps came right to the door. Then...

I opened the door! Nobody was there. They must have heard me and ran. So I ran in pursuit. I ran and ran and ran looking under desks, behind doors, under coat racks. No dice. I missed them once again.

I returned to the bathroom to finish my business and once again was deep in my work, putting new cover sheets on the TPS reports. Within minutes, I heard the footsteps return. Again, I wiped, pulled up my khakis and girded for a sprint. I listened at the doorway. This time, they spoke. There must be two of them. I pressed my ear to the door to listen to their words: "Eclair" the voice said, "eclair." Oh, this is personal. I waited patiently for the voice to get closer. I waited. I waited.

Wham! I opened the door... no one there. I sprinted for the steps. There was only one way out of this basement and I could catch them if I hustled. I reached the bottom of the steps and looked up. No one there. Wham!

There were still back in the storage room, digging for mugs (and presumably another one of my eclairs). My back stiff, my face scrinched in anger, I walked briskly back to the storage room to confront the technician. As I turned the corner, I saw... it.

The spectre wore clothes from the 1800's, burned and frayed, hair long, beard matted in knots. He turned, his face a wormie mess, "Eclair!" it said. "Eclair!" it hissed, its horrific breath shooting up my nostrils. Those eyes. Those eyes! He shoved the eclair in his mouth, took a bite and threw the rest to the ground. Before I could react, the ghost evaporated into the solid wall, disappearing as quickly as he appeared.

I again sprinted for the steps, this time in a Scooby-Doo-like dash for safety. I didn't stop running until I was out the front door and standing on street. All I could think of was that I was going to go home for the night and forget about writing and editing. I refuse to work in a haunted office. There was only one problem. My keys to my car were still in the basement, on my desk. Down there. In that basement office. With the Fox 45 ghost. "Noooooooooooooo!"

The End?

Tuna Sub Delight

My wife Victoria can make a mean sandwich. Her peanut butter and jelly sandwich (believe it or not) is a notch above anything I've ever eaten in the category. Her subs are legendary. She has a keen knack for proportions (I can never duplicate it, even with the same ingredients) and they always taste the right amount of good and juicy and hearty without the food shooting everywhere.

Above is a super-yummy tuna sub she made for me and the boys. I married right!

Accidental Actor - Fast Tmes at Ridgemont High

It's funny how Jeff ends up in all these classic movies. "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", shot when Jeff was in high school.

Despite my many attempts, I have still not gotten into IMDB for this or any of my many roles. The fight continues...

My Records - Missing Persons "Spring Session M"

This record was one of my first 'dangerous forays' into punk. Now, let's be clear. Missing Persons is anything but punk. They are some kind of new wave, eclectic something or other but had punk-ish hair and mullets and they wore eye shadow, and the lead singer Dale Bozzio had this quirky/punky singing style. I knew that even back then, but punk was just a little bit too much for my sensitive ears back in the day. So I went new wave.

It's very interesting how good music stands the test of time. For example, I wasn't all that interested in the Sex Pistols, or the Clash, or the Ramones, or any of those 'subversive' type of groups but the music is so listenable now its scary. The stuff really holds up. Unfortunately, all I have to show for it is Missing Persons.

As for the album, it actually had three tracks that had some legs: "Destination Unknown", "Walking in L.A." and "Words". Anyone of these songs is bound to rear its head on your local 'Jack' station, so they must of have charted to some level. Throwing it on the 'ol turntable, I have to admit that I started bobbing my Uncool head a little bit. Whatever deal they cut with devil must have worked because I was digging it.

They redeemed themselves enough to me to earn 1 1/2 white man overbites on the jam scale. If they were only on Rock Band, I could see my hips beginning to gyrate...

Staycation Saturday

We spent a hard day roughing it at the backyard stay-cation campsite. The weather has looked rough all day but so far held off from raining. We are confident the stay-cation will be able to proceed

Took a bike ride with the boys on the orange busline 'trail' and went pretty far. Considering all the other 'hikers' on the trail, we rode several miles before heading back to camp. Once there, we started prepping for dinner. The plan is to cook hotdogs on the fire pit.

We even got an unexpected visit to the campsite from Ma.

Spring Break Camping Trip - Stay-cation

I'm a big fan of the stay-cation. What is a stay-cation? Well, what is a vacation? You go to someplace else, you sleep there, you cook food and eat it or go out to a restaurant, you see stuff, catch a movie or some tv, do some different stuff... a vacation.

Well, a stay-cation is the same thing, except you do it from your own house. No work, no worries of the world, just shut down your mind and have some fun without leaving your own house. For spring break this year, I've decided to take the boys on a camping trip... to the back patio. That's right, we're pitching a tent, rolling out the sleeping bags and blow-up beds, building a fire in the firepit, cooking hotdogs on the fire, roasting marshmellows, and telling scary stories. Heck, we'll even keep our eyes out for wildlife and look at the stars. During the day, we're going to do a little swimming in the cement pond, ride bikes on the trail, go for a hike, and climb a tree.

Plus, being is Southern California, we can still run down to the beach or hit an amusement park with no fuss and no muss.

Advantages: the bathrooms are clean, the food fresh from the fridge, and its cheaper.
Disadvantages: People can still drop by unexpectedly, but if we keep the doors locked and stay out back we may dodge some bullets.

The family stay-cation... don't leave home!

I'll issue occasional reports from the trip as they come in...

Jeff's Cooking Tip #4 - Pancakes

Believe it or not, it is actually possible to acquire pancakes at a place other than Denny's or IHOP. In fact, it is entirely possible to make pancakes at your very home in your very kitchen with several very common ingredients. You would be very surprised to know that you can make pancakes that taste exactly like they do at the restaurant with very little effort and only a little bit of time. This recipe comes from my old Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook.

Two secrets to pancakes:

1. Mixing - Don't overmix the batter. Mix it until just mixed, even if lumpy.
2. Hot skillet - Use a nice hot skillet, well buttered.

Ingredients to pancakes: 1 1/4 cups all purpose flour, 3 teaspoons of baking powder, 1 tablespoon of sugar, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 1 beaten egg, 1 cup of milk, 2 tablespoons of oil.

1. Use a sifter (trust me, use that old thing with the crank, it really helps), add the flour.

2. Add the baking powder (above), and the salt and sugar (below).


3. Beat the egg, add it to the dry ingredients.

4. Add the milk (above) and the oil (below).


5. Mix together until JUST mixed. Overmixing makes them taste tough and funny. Even if lumpy, mix about 10 strokes and be done with it.

6. Butter your skillet, and cook the pancakes in 1/4 cup increments of batter. NOTE: Your first batch of pancakes will look a little yellow and funny (the french have a word for this that eludes me). Every batch after that will look perfect.


7. Cook about 80% on one side (Pareto's Principle). Flip and finish.

8. Perfection.