My Records - Robert Palmer "Riptide"

(Above) Robert Palmer "Riptide", three
white man overbites on the WMO jam scale.

Not sure if this album is considered any good critically, but it is definitely in the White Man Overbite hall of fame. Led by one of the most original and then imitated videos of all time, this album became a must-buy for us 80's goobers.

There were three singles off of this album that seemed to elicit the overbite more than most: 'Hyperactive', 'Addicted to Love', and 'I Didn't Mean to Turn You On'.

Like much of my record collection, he's dead.

How to Build a Low-Tech Web Site

I'm often asked, "How do you build such a sophisticated and technologically advanced web site?". Well, it often comes down to the tools you have available and I have the perfect web building tool: Swiss Army 2.0 for MAC.

You could probably get a better version of each of these tools separately, but with the Swiss Army 2.0 you get a lot of functionality in one piece of hardware. For example, a good web site starts with a nice background. My site is black, so I went to Home Depot, purchased a nice piece of plywood and some black paint. Using the 'saw' function of the Swizz Army 2.0, I was able to cut a piece of wood the size of my computer screen and paint it black.

For the blog entries themselves, I needed something a little more delicate, so I accessed the 'scissors' function and am able to cut-out nearly perfect letters for the text. For the pictures, I use the 'can opener' function to pry images out of my photo albums and tape those to the background above the text. I'm a big believer that a picture is a nice element to have on any blog entry, it makes the text pop.

Finally, when it comes time to post my entry, I use the flat side of the Swizz Army 2.0 and some spare finishing nails to tack my blog entry onto the internet.

By having all of these different tools in one spot, the Swizz Army 2.0 for MAC allows me to quickly and efficiently create a wonderful web site. I don't believe this will work with Windows.

(note: this is an example of what happens when you realize that there is not blog entry ready to go for Saturday and all you have is a picture of a Swiss Army knife and you've been eating too many Doritos with that weird flavored powder on them. Thank you.)

Mixtape - GORnR

I found this Uncool mixtape I made for a party 25 years ago in college. I would say 'enjoy' but you probably wouldn't:

Side A
'Pressure' - Billy Joel
'Rage in the Cage' - J. Geils Band
'Turning Japanese' - Vapors
'Don't You Want Me' - Human League
'Flame Flower' - J. Geils Band
'Rock Lobster' - B-52's
Planet Claire - B-52's

Side B
'Where Were You' - Journey
'Hang Fire' - Rolling Stones
'The Spirit of Radio' - Rush
'Stop This Game' - Cheap Trick
'Hard to Say I'm Sorry' - Chicago
'Any Way You Want It' - Journey
'Satisfaction' - DEVO

Jeff & Vic Get Fit - Premiere Tonight

(Above) Jeff & Vic with Bob Greene.

Tonight is the night for the premiere "I'm Fat Again" on Discovery Health. Vic and I were crazy enough to answer an ad and before you know it, Oprah's trainer Bob Greene is strolling up our driveway with a camera crew.

I never quite felt I was fat enough to be considered 'fat again', but I was selected none-the-less. Victoria and I were taped in glorious HD in tight clothing to look as fat as possible for the camera, then they taped us working out, then they taped us doing goofy workout things, then they taped us getting lectured for eating wrong and not exercising enough.

Then we taped confessionals in our garage where I talked of little else other than my bowel movements, then they taped us some more getting lectured. Then they taped us in a therapy session, then they taped us talking about our therapy session. Then they taped us making a fake dinner, then they taped us having fake dinner conversation.

Premieres tonight at 8pm eastern/5p pacific on Discovery Health.

IMDB Scheme #47 - Reality Show

(Above) The reality show crew setting up to tape
me & the family eating Sunday dinner.

I am determined now more than ever to get into IMDB. My latest scheme is to get onto a reality show. Unfortunately, I picked the Uncoolest of the categories and decided to do a weight loss kind of thing entitled "I'm Fat Again". There are a couple of problems with this.

1. I'm not all that fat anymore. I used to be quite fat. I took care of it in a drastic way. I'm still in a pretty good place. I had to convince them I was fat enough to be considered 'fat again'.

2. It's probably not raising my profile in the most positive way. If you buy into the basic premise, I'm 'fat' and 'again'. And if there is one thing I've learned, there is little room for the porky in Hollywood. Hence if you believe I'm fat, that's bad. If you believe I'm not, you're probably wondering what I'm doing there in the first place.

Either way, I'm at least hoping to gain my coveted IMDB entry so that I can add in my uncredited role in the major motion picture ATL. Sheez, this is the long way around to get this done...

Anyway, "I'm Fat Again" premieres tomorrow night at 8p eastern/5p pacific on Discovery Health. And if you have HD, you can view my chubby belly in fabulous HD on DHC-HD.

Child Slave Labor - Car Washing

This little worker (above) is absolutely useless
when it comes hard work. (Below) The rest of them are
little better in terms of quality slave labor.

In Southern California, it hardly ever rains so if you want your car to look any kind of nice you have to wash it a lot. Most people feel a need to take it to one of the nine hundred car washes within three miles of my house, but I just employ a father's best friend: child labor. With four young, strapping men running around this house, stinking the place up, you would think I could just do what my dad did and make them do all the chores I detest.

Child labor is of course a two-edge sword...

Positive: it is free. Negative: they complain the whole time. Positive: They show up on time. Negative: They are slow as molasses. Positive: quality time with their father. Negative: I end up redoing the work anyway. Positive: They get wet. Negative: I get wet.

I just feel like if I'm going to provide food and shelter, they should kick in with some quality, non-complaining labor.

Time Travel 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 3 "I'm Black"

Episode number 3 of the ever popular Time Travel 1,000,000 BC starring Jeffrey Rhodes as the Professor and Jordan Rhodes as his young assistant.

My Records - Starship "Nuclear Furniture"

I probably speak for many when I lament the old Jefferson Airplane and say, "Oh, what happened to ye?" Answer: Jefferson Starship. Nuclear Furniture.

Did they owe an album? Were they short of dough? Did the drugs do that much damage? I give it 1/2 of a White Man Overbite on the WMO scale because one tooth went over a tiny sliver of lip on "Layin It On the Line". The rest was very difficult...

East Coasters Guide to Memorial Day on the West Coast

If you are from the east coast, specifically Maryland/Delaware/Virginia region, Memorial Day weekend can mean only one thing: steamed crabs. Yet being here in Hollywood, makes it incredibly difficult to maintain that tradition for anything less than three gold bars it would cost to ship blue crabs live across the country.

That being said, there are ways of faking a crab feast here on the west coast and that requires two important elements:

a) Cold beer
b) Old Bay

For the proper eating of steamed crabs, the beer obviously has to be cold. (Reminds me of the old joke: Man walks into a bar and asks for a cold beer. The bartender asks 'what kind?'. The man says, 'I just told you... cold.') Preferably cheap beer but definitely cold.

If you are not from the mid-Atlantic you may be unfamiliar with Old Bay. Old Bay is the spice that you gob generously on top of steamed crabs to season them. By gob, I mean at least a half an inch of rock salt and seasony goodness heaped high on top. Steamed crabs tend to taste a lot like Old Bay. Hence, anything with Old Bay on top reminds everyone of steamed crabs.

In fact, potato chips seasoned with Old Bay are called Crab Chips.

So for us native east coaster reveling this holiday in the trappings of Hollywood, here are my suggestions:

1) Dungeness crab with Old Bay.
2) Lobster with Old Bay.
3) Sushi with Old Bay.
4) Hamburger with Old Bay.
5) Pumpkin Pie with Old Bay.
6) Old Bay mixed in water and sipped like a cocktail.

...and cold beer. Happy Memorial Day weekend...

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 2

In my never ending series on the wonders and beauty of Twinkies, I have decided to post some recipes that use Twinkies as ingredients. Yes, there are recipes that include Twinkies as ingredients. No, they have absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Yes, it is possible to completely clog your arteries in one Twinkie sitting.

Recipe #1 - Deep Fried Twinkies
Ingredients

# 6 Twinkies
# Popsicle sticks
# 4 cups vegetable oil
# Flour for dusting
# 1 cup milk
# 2 tablespoons vinegar
# 1 Tablespoon oil
# 1 cup flour
# 1 teaspoon baking powder
# 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions

1. Chill or freeze Twinkies for several hours or overnight.

2. Heat 4 cups vegetable oil in deep fryer to about 375 degrees.

3. Mix together milk, vinegar and oil.

4. In another bowl, blend flour, baking powder and salt.

5. Whisk wet ingredients into dry and continue mixing until smooth. Refrigerate while oil heats.

6. Push stick into Twinkie lengthwise, leaving about 2 inches to use as a handle, dust with flour and dip into the batter. Rotate Twinkie until batter covers entire cake.

7. Place carefully in hot oil. The Twinkie will float, so hold it under with a utensil to ensure even browning. It should turn golden in 3 to 4 minutes. Depending on the size of your deep fryer, you might be able to fry only one at a time, two at the most.

8. Remove Twinkie to paper towel and let drain. Remove stick and allow Twinkie to sit for about 5 minutes before serving.

Makes 6.


Recipe #2 - Twinkie Sushi

SERVES 2 -3 (change servings and units)
Ingredients

* 3 Hostess Twinkies
* assorted dried fruits
* assorted fruity decorative candies
* 2 green fruit leather
* dried mango (looks like pickled ginger)

Directions

1. Slice Twinkies into pieces about an inch tall.
2. Slice fruit rollups in strips to be long enough and wide enough to wrap around the Twinkie pieces.
3. Place dried fruits and candies into the cream filling.
4. Place Twinkie rolls on a plate or in a Bento box.
5. Garnish with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger if you wish.
6. Serve with chopsticks.

Quotes of the Infamous - O.J. Simpson

Going through my old stack of 'Success Joggers' and I found something interesting. 'Success Joggers' are business card sized papers with different quotes on them. The thought is that everyday, you go to the next card and get a nugget of wisdom to get your day started.

My wife got a stack of these from her old job at MCI and I go through them from time-to-time.

Found one from O.J. Simpson, obviously pre-1994 and very interesting...

Stuff I Keep

I keep so much stuff. In these green, lean, Ikea-saturated times, it is probably best to keep things cleaned-out and recycled. When keeping old papers, there is problems with musty odors and mold spores, not to mention dust mites.

My Mom called me messy. My friends called me a pack rat. My doctor calls it 'unhealthy hording'. For whatever reason, I keep the oddest things:


I keep most of my old movie ticket stubs (above). Whether or not I like the movie or not, I stick the stub in a drawer and forget about it. I found my old stub from the original 'MATRIX' the other day.


I have all of my old ID's. Everything from my high school ID to long expired membership cards to health clubs and movie clubs. I even have my student ID from the Baltimore Orioles. Yikes.



In the "there is absolutely no reason to keep this department", as if the other things had a reason, I still have all of the codes to my old school combination locks. When you bought the lock, the combination was looped through the metal latch on a piece of paper. I put it in a safe place and still have them all.



Last but certainly not least is my collection of old hotel key cards. I can't ever bear to give them back at hotel checkout time, claim to have 'left it in the room' then bring it home and add it to the pile.

Jeff's Spaceship Design

When I was geeky Uncool kid (many years before I was the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood) I designed and created the blueprints for a spaceship I honestly believed would work if I only had the money to construct it. Still don't have enough dough, but I'm holding onto those blueprints just in case!

Mad Magazine Monday - More Movies

I was leafing through the stack of Mad Magazines and I noticed some more movie covers. These were all movies I first saw when I was much younger and didn't realize I have Mad covers for...

Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid... Bonnie & Clyde... Easy Rider... and Rosemary's Baby


I love my Mad Magazines

My Records - Cars "Candy-O"

Two things to note right off the top: this is actually my wife's record and this record is actually kind of cool.

The reason I decided to take a look at this album was because I had a tape of it that I listened to constantly in college. So in a sense, I felt like I owned it. My roommate from college, a pretty cool cat in his own right by the name of Tim Leffel had all of the Cars albums and I spent the first few weeks of freshman year 'taping' as much as I could. Back in the days of $5.98 records, even if there were multiple tracks you liked on an album, it was decadent to own the album if you had access to it and the ability to tape it. So I erred on the side of cheap, taped the bulk of his collection and jammed for the price of blank tapes.

I had a "Walkman" (a miniature, battery powered cassette tape player with which one listened to their 'mixtapes'. A much bulkier precurser to the iPod) that I would listen to back at college. I loved that "Walkman". Then a teammate from the football team borrowed it, broke it, swore it was broken already, and never paid me back. So I had to listen to my Cars tapes either in the car or on the 'stereo'. I miss that "Walkman".

I digress. With the exception of the disturbingly effeminate pictures on the back, 'Candy-O' rocks my socks. The three tracks I dig the most, 'Let's Go', 'It's All I Can Do', and 'Dangerous Type' alone make it worth 3 white man overbites on the WMO scale.

Time Travel - 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 2 "The Great Ape"

Though it may look very similar to episode 1, this next episode is actually completely different. What happens when a scientist and his young/naive assistant go back in time to 1,000,000 BC? The ramifications of an interaction could distort time as we know it...

Presidential Election 2012 - Hollywood Conundrum

Living and working in the most non-conservative most intolerant city in the world makes it difficult to talk politics. You either go with the flow, say what you think everybody else thinks, be silent or you don't work. The blacklist is alive and well. So how does the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood talk presidential politics? By making my official endorsement for the next presidential election early and fast. My choice:

Nixon/Agnew...

Oh sure, they're dead, but there are tremendous upsides. First, Richard Nixon is from California so I've got the homer crowd covered. Agnew is from Baltimore County, so I've got my home state covered ('You've gone Hollywood, haven't you?'). He's Republican so I've got that covered, but he was really one of the most liberal presidents in a lot of ways so I've got that covered. He's dead, so I've got the "but what about the damage he could do" crowd covered. He's experienced and he's already pardoned, so I've got all the legal stuff covered.

Tricky Dick and Spiro T. for a REAL change!

Twinkies: A Celebration of Gold - Pt. 1

There is quite simply little that can compare to the classic Twinkie. The golden sponge cake, the creamy filling... it was a treat of my youth and it is still around today. Being extremely Uncool and not content to just buy Twinkies, I decided to make Friday May 15, 2009, "Jeff Loves Twinkies Day".

In honor of said day, I decided to make Twinkies from scratch and found this helpful recipe HERE on the internet. Hopefully, this is really a recipe for Twinkies and not some kind of explosive I am making:

Ingredients:

* Supplies:
* 1 round spice bottle, the size of a Twinkie
* 12 (12 x 14-inches each) pieces non-stick aluminum foil
* Pastry bag
* Toothpick
* Vegetable oil spray

* Cake:
* 16-ounce box golden pound cake mix
* 4 egg whites, beaten until stiff
* 2/3 cup water

* Filling:
* 1/3 cup vegetable shortening
* 2 teaspoons butter, at room temperature
* 1 cup powdered sugar
* 1/4 cup granulated white sugar
* 1/3 cup evaporated milk
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2 drops lemon extract

Preparation:
Faux twinkie cakes: Fold each piece of foil in half with the nonstick side out. Then fold in half again. Roll foil pieces around the spice bottle to form a tube. Fold down edges to seal, leaving one end of the tube open to be filled with the batter. Remove the spice bottle. Spray the insides with vegetable oil and set each tube open-end-up in a muffin tray.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

Beat cake mix, whipped egg whites, and water on medium speed until completely blended, about 2 minutes. Carefully fill the foil tubes, leaving 3/4-inch headspace. Bake about 30 minutes until golden and toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Let cakes cool, then remove foil. Use a toothpick to make 3 holes along the length of each cake. Wiggle the toothpick around the center to make room for the filling, taking care not to poke through to the other side.

Filling: Cream shortening and butter together in a medium bowl. With mixer running on medium speed, add powdered sugar and granulated sugar, a little at a time, until smooth. Add evaporated milk, vanilla, and lemon extract. Continue mixing until fluffy.

Spoon filling into a pastry bag with a No. 5 tip. Inject filling into each of the 3 holes in each faux twinkie cake and place hole-side-down on a serving platter or store in a covered container.

Yield: 12 faux twinkie cakes

I will report success or failure as soon as I come out of my sugar coma.

Time Travel 1,000,000 BC - Ep. 1 "The Kid"

Welcome to episode #1 of Time Travel 1,000,000 BC. We at Rhodes Boys Productions (a division of Rhodes Media Group, LLC & Monsanto) have worked for many hours and a couple of minutes to bring you episode 1 entitled "The Kid".

Riddle of the Ages!

As part of our comic books me and the boys would put together, we needed page fillers (like ads).  Here is one of my favorites:  William's Riddle of the Ages!

FIGHT! The Kids' Superhero Shortfilm

This what the Uncoolest Dude in Hollywood does for fun when he is able to trick the kids into doing some acting. We created a fight scene for their BLAZER comic book and I was able to edit the stills together to show a quick scene. That's right, we make comic books together (some times). I think it's fun...

...and fun to watch at parties! (Note: Grandma wasn't very pleased with this. Note #2: They aren't really hitting each other, it's all pretend). Sheez.

Enjoy!

BLAZER! Comic Book

Me and the boys have put together some comic books over the years. With digital photography and comic book programs on the MAC, it is pretty easy to do. Here's a couple of pages from Issue #1 of BLAZER!

Mad Magazine Monday - TV Shows

I was looking through the old Mad Magazine collection once again and pulled all of the covers I could find with TV shows. When I was reading these as a giddy 12-year old, they were the most hilarious writing I could imagine. I flipped through them and just didn't really chuckle all that much. Obviously a little dated.

I bought a new issue for my older boys but they just didn't take to it. In fact, Alfred E. Neuman kind of scared the younger ones to the point where he became like a boogie-man, "Hey, look... Alfred is in your closet."

Yikes...

My Records - Scandal featuring Patty Smyth "Warrior"

I bought this record sometime during college and paid full-price for it. I must have totally bought into the corporate line because I'm at a loss as to why I would have bought it. Remember, Jeff had a two-hit minimum before he would purchase a 'record' and this clearly has only one "The Warrior". Maybe it was the catchy hook or the tre chic music video that convinced me there would be more to it, but alas no.

A couple of things in retrospect:

1. This is the first album I can recall purchasing that had the 'featuring...' thing going on. Today, it's '...featuring Kanye West' this, '...featuring Lil Wayne' that, 'featuring this' is standard practice these days but this was one of the first I remember. It has the smell of "I'm Patty Smyth, I don't know who these people are who you stuck me with but the last thing I'm going to do is be part of some group called SCANDAL" etc., etc.

2. There is a really cool singer named Patti Smith who is a different person, even though Patty Smyth seems just fine as well.

3. On the back cover, there is a picture of the guitar dude, the bass dude, and the other guitar dude. There is no picture of the drummer dude. Did he miss the shoot date and they just kept it blank? Was he being punished? Was he ugly?

4. Also on the back cover, the words: 'Also on Cassette'. You don't see that written much anymore.

I jammed on "The Warrior", enough for two White Man overbites on the WM scale. I will never listen to this record again in my life.

Going to see the Star Trek Movie

Star Trek movie week reaches its conclusion tonight as me and the wife hit the AMC Promenade here in Woodland Hills to see the brand new Star Trek movie. We've decided to make a somewhat date night but we miscalculated youth sports and may not be able to.

In typical Uncool fashion, I have also tracked down a coupon so that we can get a free Coke with our popcorn.

It's been a fun week in anticipation, much like how NFL football works. It's not always just the game that is fun, but the talking about it and looking forward to it. I'm lucky Ms. Uncool Hollywood likes Star Trek as well so we will certainly enjoy the flick. Babysitting and kid watching is taken care of, ready to hit the road.

Thank you for being patient with my whole Star Trek week thing. We return to strictly Uncool Hollywood stuff beginning tomorrow.

Enterprise Model Kit Model

This is Jeff's old Enterprise model from when he was a kid. In honor of Star Trek movie week, I dug it out and took a picture of it. Why do I still have a model from when I was a kid? I'm geek, that's why!

I tried to make it look real by rubbing it with pencil to give it wear marks. I could never get the engines to stay put so I tied them together with a piece of thread. It never worked. But I still have it anyway...

Trek Week - Poster Magazines

As Star Trek movie week continues...

Below is some of my collection of Star Trek poster magazines I used to get when I was a kid. I bought my first one at the mall bookstore and ordered a subscription for the monthly. As a goofy kid, if I liked something I'd buy the subscription and I loved getting these things in the mail every month. Chock full of Trek information and analysis, I was at the perfect age to dig this kind of crud.

As you read and unfolded the magazine, it became a poster. Of course the Uncoolest kids bedroom in Maryland was covered NOT with Farrah Fawcett posters like it should have been, but with Star Trek stuff. Oh well...

Like usual, I never threw them away and have them to this day.

Side note: the magazine was discontinued part of the way through my subscription so they started sending me Star Wars poster magazines, Close Encounters poster magazines, and even Charlies Angels poster magazines. I was disappointed beyond measure.

Trek Week - Star Trek Record

Trek Week - Geeky Trek Books

When I was a kid, I used to have tons of Star Trek books. Whenever we would hit the hall in my teen years (Golden Ring Mall, MD, my first experience with the double decker mall), I would always hit the book store and look for Star Trek books. Back in those days, there weren't all that many to choose from, unlike today where they have a whole section. I bought the novelizations of all the original series episodes by James Blish and the Star Trek Log series which novelized the cartoons.

In one of my rare 'clean-out' moments, I sold all of those books at a used book shop for pennies on the dollar, not realizing they were already collectors items. Sheez.
I still have a couple, my favorite being 'Star Trek Technical Manual'. It's full of more sketches and lists and schematics than you could imagine. My 12 year old brain exploded! I also had the Enterpirse blueprints at one time but for the life of me can't find them. Stolen, I assume...

Trek Week - Models

Star Trek movie week continues and now it is time to look at some models. No, I'm not talking about the pretty models one would expect to see from the usual Hollywood stud, but the kinds of models us Uncool peoples like to show-off: Models of Star Trek stuff.

I bought these kits years ago and I still haven't done them. I bought them with the intention of, "One day, I'll decide to want to start the hobby of model making, and when I do, I might as well have some Star Trek models to construct." I still haven't picked up the hobby, but I sure do have my Star Trek model kits. The Enterprise kit is pretty cool and the Klingon Battle Cruiser is even cooler still, but the one I'm excited about is the model of the Bridge. The Bridge. I have a model of the Enterprise Bridge.

Geek!!!!!!

Trek Week - Mad Magazine Monday

Being a Star Trek geek, and with Friday being opening day of the brand new Paramount motion picture Star Trek, I am particularly stoked. So, being the Uncoolest cat in town, I decided to celebrate by making this Star Trek week around the house (much to the utter delight of my wife and children).

On many Monday's, I like to share some of my old Mad Magazines, and this Monday is no exception. So in keeping with Star Trek Week and Mad Magazine Monday, here is one of my favorite Mad Magazine covers from October of 1976.